At the same time, it really, really sucks thinking you found this and then slowly realizing years into it that it’s not going to work because it’s just crushing your soul and there are some fundamental incompatibilities that are just not going to change and you have to get out for the sake of your own sanity and long term happiness, despite how much you want to make it work.
Source: I’m in the terminal phases of that process right now.
Apologies for being a Debbie downer. Just having some pretty rough times right now, and the next couple of weeks are going to absolutely suck, and there’s definitely no way around it but through.
Hey, I just did that a year ago this November 1st!
Man, am I glad I did. And man, was it so worth it.
So glad to hear it gets better. Thank you!
At the same time, it really, really sucks thinking you found this and then slowly realizing years into it that it’s not going to work
Its not going to work with that particular person, but that doesn't mean your life is over nor that the one you're looking for still isn't out there looking for you. I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you're in right now, and its not going to be easy to get through this and its certainly not going to be quick, but you can get through this. You can heal. You are so much more than just that relationship even though it may not feel like that right now.
You must navigate these choppy waters with an aim to come out the other side whole in time. You owe it to yourself. If you want to try again in the future, should you want to try again, you owe it to the other person thats still out there looking for you.
Oh, I know that. I am actually very confident I’m going to feel way better in the long term. I’m just struggling a lot with guilt and stuff right now because a big part of me feels like a complete psychopath for basically spurning someone I love a lot, and who I know loves me a lot too.
That said, I do appreciate your well-wishes. <3
Yo, I'm turning in the divorce papers in a few weeks. After months of detangling finances and finding new places 🎉 Only took like 5 years of me giving it my all and my former spouse constantly telling me I wasn't doing enough for them. The years before all that were pretty great though
As a generally lazy person, I would suggest other lazy people look for similar minded matches. Don't look for a type A hyper organized person that'll pick up after you. My wife and I are lazy in different ways and make that work for us. Sorry you are going through this OP, I hope you find your match!
Dude I'm in the detangling finance stage now.
I made like 3x what she did before we separated so quite literally everything has my name on it. Her lawyer gave an absurd number for the budget she would need me to cover for maintenance for the next 5 years and my lawyer said "ok prove the need." I don't think she'll be able to, but yikes, the thought of this having to go through court is frustrating
Been there my friend. 30 years together, and she ended it without warning with a weak excuse. Took me a year to realize she was a drain on my mental wellbeing and I’m now better off. But, for the first 10 years I can say life was good.
Today, life is way better.
It is absolutely soul crushing. Here, have some flowers to cheer you up. 💐
May take a while, but you’ll be ok eventually.
Yuuuup been there before. Gets worse if you have a kid together. Thankfully I didn’t in my case but I have friends who are “stuck”
Wife doesn't love me, least not the way I love her. Just had the talk, this post is downright brutal right now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna give you a hug right now.
Yeah. Big hug.
People never stop changing. It's the risk of making the commitment. You're trying to join two winding creeks together with a piece of string. When things break up, it hurts, but it's not failure, just change.
I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together.
I'm really sorry. I just had a friend go through the same thing and I was counseling him last night. I will say something similar to you that I did to him:
It all seems awful right now, but you will get past it. Remember that there are other people in your life who love you even if it's platonic love. On top of that, I had a good friend who was good looking and friendly, someone people enjoyed being around. He was single for 15 years. He got married in his mid-40s to someone I can tell he will be very happy with.
There's always time to find love, even if you've lost the love you've had before.
Now granted, I have been married for more than two decades, so feel free to tell me to fuck off with this advice.
Checking in on you
I'm doing better, thank you for the concern.
until you grow old
Really hope they mean "as you grow old".
We found Leonardo DiCaprio's secret Twitter.
DiCaprio steps into the chat.
nah that's "until you grow to fully develop your brain"
Isn't this just phrasing it differently? "Until you're old" doesn't imply anything different than "as you grow old" to me.
As an old person with my same old spouse, I'm glad it didn't have to end as soon as we got here. We're going to continue growing older and older together, because as much as getting old sucks, it would be worse all alone.
When I get old, I'm done.
Ideally yes. This is me and Mrs. Warp Core and I wouldn't change it for the world.
However...
Well, let me put it this way. Ever have a best friend that, after spending a lot of time around, you find out that you actually can't stand more than a few hours at time? That is absolutely a possibility here. Only now their stuff is in your house (or vice-versa), and/or they're on the same lease.
$0.02: It may not always be advisable, but absolutely benchmark the practical aspects of your romance long before tying the knot. Long-term co-habitation is not the only route here. Consider other ways to rack up large blocks of time: getaway vacations, long weekends, or even just "play house" for a few days at a time. You'd be amazed at what horrible, terrible, filthy, obnoxious habits your partner has when "at home." The reality is that everyone is a bit (more) of a mess in private, and the only real question you have to answer is: "what am I willing to put up with?"
I took a getaway vacation with a woman I had been dating for 3 months. We got back and haven't corresponded since then. That was a few years ago.
I'm a full blown mess in private or public, they know what they're getting into before seeing me at home. I have no shame
Exactly ... and a good way to do that is international budget travelling while you are still young (20-30 years of age).
It doesn't matter what you got right now in your 20s, borrow, scrape and ask for money wherever you both can and go travel to some foreign country on the most minimal budget you guys can afford.
Stay within safety margins of course ... don't stay in deep dark corners that cost a dollar and risk your lives.
Stay on the trip for about two or three months and you will both cement your relationship if not for the long term than for life. You will go through terrible situations, unsavoury situations, disgusting events ... but also see unbelievable things, beautiful images and people and cultures ... and best of all you will learn to trust one another completely with money, with time, with space, with your lives. You'll see the ugly sides of one another and you will learn what you like and dislike about one another and you will find out if you can accept all that or not.
The first five years of being with my wife, we went overseas as often as we could on the skin of our teeth ... and it was scary, terrible and absolutely fun and exhilarating for both of us. We saw Asia, India, North Africa and a dozen major European cities ... in the summers we got in the car and explored the Canadian west coast ... then the Canadian east coast.
Part of the inspiration was an older couple that we made friends with years ago. Before they got married in 1970, they took a motorcycle to Alaska, then down to Patagonia for a year ... they went through absolute hell and back and they are still together.
My sister did this with her then boyfriend by canoeing down the Mississippi River.
I still cannot fathom how anyone thinks it is a good idea not to do these things with another person before marrying them. My wife and I were both adamant that we live together and go on trips together and do "married" things long before we made that decision. I like to think we ironed out many of the early kinks without the pressure of "we're married so this absolutely has to work" lingering over us.
This post is going to make some people very sad and some people very happy and I guess I'm here for that. Life is alllll sorts of experiences, good and bad. Just gotta roll with it.
And some of us just, meh. Tried the co-op mode and found that the people I'm attracted to aren't good for me. Now I'm just looking forward to retiring before I'm 50, and surfing. That and having tons of dogs that I foster and train to be good, and then adopt out. I'm not a good dog parent because I can't see them as anything but needy toddlers. Therefore annoying. I can't foster cats because I couldn't adopt the cats out. The dogs are at least consistently needing the same repetition so that they become good dogs for some family out there.
At first I imagined actually getting into the fetal position and rolling on the ground, but then I realized that's only my fetish... You were obviously talking about trains.
I'd rather just not tbh but I don't want to leave a me shaped hole in people's lives
I get that
Reminder that you don't need to be married to have this.
Well, one more reason to be sad about being unlovable :/
Same.
I only really ever had two goals in life and I managed to fail them stupendously:
1)Not be the guy who's miserable every day and doesn't want to wake up to go to work.
2)To be in a loving relationship.
1 is making 2 even more difficult. On second thought it's like an ouroboros, 1 makes 2 more difficult which compounds the misery of 1 lol
So this blew my mind, but once I got beyond the whole "my ex doesn't love me, she ruined my life" the whole thing of single 4eva disappeared. It turns out, you, as an individual, need to love yourself first, before anyone else can.
Know why? Cause only you can advocate for all of your qualities and issues.
I'm discovering a lot about me. I don't have the time or energy for a significant other right now, so I should be single. Sure I have physical desires, but with creativity you can get through that.
same here. I should probably start blocking those types of posts. All they do is make my depression worse.
I have been married for 24 years and it's been a mostly happy marriage. I also do consider my wife to be my best friend. But it's silly to think that you will come home every day and be happy about dealing with another human, no matter who they are. Sometimes I will come home or my wife will come home and I won't want to be around her because I won't want to be around anyone. That's just how life is. My wife is cool with it and I'm cool with when she wants the same.
Alone time is an important resource, especially when kids.
Absolutely.
I'm living that life and we're not even married yet. 5 years since this June. Never been happier :)
My partner and I are on year 8? I think? Neither of us care about anniversaries or any of that stuff, so we lose track often.
We just fit. We rarely disagree, and when we disagree, we're civil about it. There's no yelling and screaming about who is right.
It's genuinely co-op mode, and we pair up to get stuff done regularly, but when no co-op is required, we just keep living our lives, together.
So I put a ring on it. Planning to sign the papers next year to make it official.
Going on 11 years here. Though we sometimes disagree, but that is rare to the bliss we find in one another. And yes she is my best friend and lover.
Congratulations! It's very much the same for us here. We do get into occasional arguments but it's usually either very minute and unimportant things or it's just a misunderstanding that get solved easily.
Our anniversary this year was also very low-key - I think we didn't even gift each other anything (super noteworthy) . We used to go crazy in our first few years but we just appreciate and value our time together
This is exactly the relationship my wife and I share. We're each other's best friends, so it's easy to hang out every day. Which is important because we're both not working, so we're around each other 24/7.
So many couples struggled throughout the pandemic because they were actually forced to spend a lot of time together and realized they just didn't care for each others' company as much as they thought. But it had no effect on my relationship with my wife because we already spent almost every moment of our free time together.
And it's not like we do absolutely everything together. There are plenty of days when we're indulging in our own separate hobbies or interests. But we're always close by, so we can chat or share our geeky hobbies with one another.
If you marry someone for looks, status, money, etc., you may find yourself in more of a business relationship than a romantic one, which will struggle as you get older. But finding someone who completely gets you is refreshing. You don't need to put on a mask around them; you can be yourself and be confident that they love you for YOU. And if you truly respect them, you'll also love and appreciate them for being themselves too.
As a counter example my wife and I have separate rooms and some hobbies that we don't share...and it's amazing. She's still my best friend, we still hang out every day, we still do the dirty, we're still very much in love...we just realized that we both love some degree of personal space, personal time when necessary, and sleep 10x better in separate rooms. I think we still fit the idea of "best friends doing life together" despite not wanting that 24/7 always together lifestyle.
I can get behind that. My wife and I share a bed, but she's talked about having her own separate bed. She's an extremely light sleeper and even shifting a little bit in bed wakes her up. Suffice to say, she almost never gets good sleep and ends up napping half of the day after I've gotten up. She still prefers to fall asleep cuddled up to me, though, which is why we haven't gotten her a separate bed yet.
We also have plenty of separate hobbies that the other doesn't care for. I collect comic books that my wife isn't interested in, and she loves true crime shows, which get very boring and repetitive for me. But we each indulge in our separate hobbies in nearby rooms, so we can excitedly share details with the other.
She loves telling me all about the horrifying ways someone was murdered on one of her shows, and whereas I don't care for the show myself, I enjoy how excited she is about sharing all the gory details. I love her passion for her interests. 🥰
This is me and my husband. I find the part about going through the pandemic together especially true. “After” the pandemic I never went back to the office and the number of coworkers I had who seemed to be flabbergasted that I wanted to stay at home was through the roof. They seemed genuinely confused that husband and I weren't dying to get away from each other.
I have to admit though, it may have become somewhat of a hostile work environment as my husband has been threatening to tell my boss about all the times I make fish for lunch.
As a recent divorcee: fuck this hurts.
Yeah, man. This isn’t what most marriages are and later on in life we realize this. People have this false idea marriage is some happy co-op mode and it’s mostly shit.
20 years in, it is pretty dope I have to say.
Can't wait for these comments to be depressing
They’re not wrong, but you’re not either. Nothing is perfect all the time and the OP statement really leaves a lot out. Been married for 20 years. Would do it all again. That’s what matters.
It's really nice if you got the right person for it. I love my person so much 💓💓💓
This is exactly my life right now, and it's great.
It's damn nice, ngl. And I didn't get married until 2013 at almost 40.
It's one of those things worth waiting for, rather than jumping into at first opportunity. Not saying I wouldn't have preferred to have had what I have now sooner, but younger me wouldn't have been ready anyway. I'm just saying that it isn't something to rush for the sake of being married, it's about being good partners, matching well, and that's not something that's guaranteed to happen at any given age.
Know more than a few people who lived together for years before tying the knot primarily for the economic benefit (plus throwing a big party is fun). By the time you're really vibing with someone, marriage is almost an afterthought.
This is my situation. Dated/lived together for 3 years before going to the courthouse. Reception was at a spaghetti place nothing fancy since there are a lot of kids in my family lol it was such a blast, so low key. We’ve been together for a decade now. Wouldn’t change it for the world. We’re best friends. When we got married, everything and nothing changed all at once. Best decision I’ve ever made.
My [second] wife is the coolest person ever and my best friend. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. She came into my life when I wasn't even looking.
My first wife was a horrible person who convinced me that I was better off being single. I was perfectly content with that. It is much better to be alone than to be with someone who fills your life with misery.
If you're reading the OP and feeling sad about your own circumstances, I totally get it because I've been there. Bad relationships or the breakdown of a relationship are really hard. You can get through it. Remember to take care of yourself. Prioritize spending time on things that bring you joy. Find someone to talk to, even if it's just some random guy on the Internet. And know that it absolutely can get better.
It's great as long as both parties fully understand the other's "drawbacks" and are prepared to deal with those. Never assume you'll fix somebody with time. Hopefully both parties do grow and improve themselves over the years, but nobody is perfect.
Love is being able to get angry with someone, wanting to resolve it healthily, and then actually moving forward and feeling it was worth it. It can feel like work sometimes, but the work should never feel pointless.
Enjoy it for me, friends. I'm just an NPC.
To those who feel saddened by this, always remember that you can be your own best friend. Treat yourself.
That about sums it up. 10/10 fucking love being married
*"Listen, happy endings is fine if they turn out happy,” said Granny, glaring at the sky. “But you can't make 'em for other people. Like the only way you could make a happy marriage is by cuttin' their heads off as soon as they say 'I do', yes? You can't make happiness…” Granny Weatherwax stared at the distant city.
shut up grandma. people are allowed to get to know each other before they're married now. also they're allowed to get a divorce so they don't have to resort to slowly poisoning their spouse.
Do NOT talk to Granny Weatherwax like that.
Wooosh
Are you the same person you were 5 years ago? 10? 20? Do you think you'll be the same in the future? Will your partner also be? The correct answer is no. Marriage takes work to keep working as life takes you through its ups and downs and we evolve and grow as people. Best of luck to you all!
I was head-over-heels in love with my best friend when I was in my late teens/early 20's. We had a short-lived romance. Turned out he was quietly suffering through severe depression and killed himself; it destroyed me for a long time.
However, I made a new best friend. We trauma bonded a bit, as he also went through a deep loss. We've been together for 10 years, 4 of them married. I love him to death. He's my ride or die.
There are so many things couples put blinders on, but it's important to always communicate. I've learned that though it's really hard to express some of your deepest insecurities and feelings, it's better to discuss the things that you're struggling with, because a good partner isn't perfect, yet they will love you, listen to your problems, accept your faults, and help you work on building a life together. Some days you'll carry the heavier load, other days your partner will.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that a happy marriage takes effort from both partners, and even the most perfect couple has work to do. It's important to be open about what's important to you, especially if that changes over time. Everyone hits bumps in the road.
I can't recommend therapy enough. For any reason. Life is worth living. It gets easier, and with the right support you can heal and grow.
We decided to finally play Jumanji. She had to crawl across the living room and almost broke her knee. Now she is pouting with a cool pack while I boil water to make her tea.
Being single is cool and all. But I never want to go back. I decided this to be my life.
The best part is you don't even have to be married to have this
Maybe someday...
My wife is the best thing to ever happen to me, plain and simple. My life would be a whole lot worse, and a whole lot more boring, without her in it.
After being a few months away from being married and seeing it all fall apart I've realized that I don't ever want to be married.
Doesn't mean I don't want a long term relationship but I don't want to tie the knot and tangle up my life like that ever again. If we had gotten married then divorced my ex would have ruined me. I was too soft at that time and I would have let her use me as a doormat on the way out. I know better now but I still don't want to deal with those complications.
This entirely unironically. Life is better when you can share it with other people.
Grew up assuming this would never happen so I never tried, and now I prolly won't ever try
Far and away, the best aspect of my life.
Famous last words
Lol. Kek.
Right? Lmao even. I know too many people that have been ruined by cheaters to want to marry and I have a genetic disorder I refuse to pass along, so I won't be having kids. There goes 99% of the dating pool for me.
The person who wrote this has not met many married people. I don't think they ever had a best friend either.
As someone who is 15 years into the situation OP described - yes it's somewhat of an oversimplication of how it all works... but broadstokewise it's on the money with the right partner and mindset. Whether your marriage works this way or not comes down to how fungible you both believe your partner to ultimately be and how much you dedicate to being each other's joy.
Thinking being pessimistic in the face of romance is just "reality" means your chances of experiencing that kind of romance become mighty slim. Optimism and trust are nessisary components to making it happen but are sadly also attractive to abusers. End of the day I wish OP the very best of luck because coming home to your partner excited to see them every day for years on end really is worth the attempt.
Yep, also had a "bad" experience recently with divorce. Still not feeling back to 100%, but I know deep down that a happy, functional relationship is just around the corner. I could meet them at any point, and if we're true partners, we'll find a way to be happy with eachother. It's a little tough to remain optimistic, but it's dramatically better than giving up and being cold and pessimistic for the rest of my life!
