Since America's namesake Amerigo Vespucci was an immigrant, what should the United States of America be renamed to? (no wrong answers)

North Mexico

Dumbfuckistan

Fascistan

Ignorancia

Corpoland

Gun-ited Steaks

RetroPolice, like metropolis but it's a reactionary police state

X

I'm partial to "Sideræl", myself.
Just got an image in my head of a map where it's just Xs dotted across the country titled X sandwiched between Canada and Mexico and the 'gulf of X (gulf of Mexico)'

"Just take interstate X southbound and get of at exit X towards X. If you see X you've give too far."
yes please

~~The United States of America~~

Kleptostan brought to you by Carl's Jr

The Golden Whored

No, he did not. But I thought it was funny to say he was an immigrant, and it doubled as bait for people to call out that he wasn't. Hook, line, sinker?

“Vinland” is what the Vikings who discovered the land named it. Not a bad name.

Were I to name it today I’d pick some foreign language version of “The Land of Pulling Up the Ladder” or “The Land of Crabs in a Bucket”.

how about turkish, Yukarıya Çekilen Merdivenlerin Ülkesi (Land Of Pulling Up The Ladder)

The DraftKingsTM United States of Trump

Ozempia

The vikings were there first (after the native Americans), so I'd go with Greater Norway.

Worser Norway.
- Would be Lesser in this context and refers to size
Forvestlandet

The incorporated states of Northern America ltd.

Welcome to Costco I love you.

Disneyland.

Han Dynasty would be funny, not least because it doesn’t solve the problem

There’s also the Prince joke “Land formally known as USA”

It's "formerly." Whether or not he wore a suit didn't change his legal name back from the symbol

Did Amerigo Vespucci migrate to North America or did he just pass through?

Dumbfuckistan

Mountain Dew presents: Freedom Country - Brought to you by United Healthcare.

Way too credible

Eduardo

The Bada Bing Republic

Xico

Break up the union and pick the name of the most powerful government that existed within the bounds of every state before the land was occupied by any old-world government.

South Canada.

Idiocracy

Wendigo

It’s an Algonquin cryptid / monster with an insatiable hunger for human flesh and a love of murder. Generally greedy and evil. Also known to smell bad.

Honors our native heritage and says something about our beloved country’s strength of character.

The more I read about it and learned about these stories as a kid from my parents and Elders ... the more I realize that it is also a metaphor or life lesson about who we are as people and humanity as a whole.

Wendigo in many legends was originally just a man or woman like you or me or anyone. They are infected or affected by a mysterious force and changed to become a hunter of people. Many of the legends talk about how Wendigo is basically just out hunting, doing things like a hunter does, tracking, following, hiding, creeping towards their prey ... but the prey are humans, people, families, children, etc. They are intelligent, speak, understand, communicate, can trick people but they can also be tricked, they can also be dumb, silly, wise or completely wild.

The metaphor is that we are all capable or prone to becoming infected with dark forces if we allow them and change us into beings that will take from others and even kill them to enrich ourselves or prolong our lives.

Many believe that Wendigos still live and prey on people all over the world ... but instead of hunting and preying on people in the forests and wilderness ... they live and work in corporations and governments.
- Yeah, it’s definitely a powerful metaphor for greed. The image of something constantly starving, never satiated no matter how much it eats, miserable and ravenous and destructive is clearly not something to strive for. I was reading that in some legends Wendigo just grow in proportion to how much they consume, so they never feel less hungry, they just get bigger. Kinda reminds one of how corporations function, with a constant drive to acquire and grow, but they never reach a point of satisfaction, where they’re big enough. They just take and take as much as they’re capable of.
- Now I need to go watch "Prey", again.
"It's just a prank, Han!"

Oops.

North Mexico

The United States of Moronica

no offense to actual morons intended

None taken.

Whatever the Cherokee word for "stolen land" is.

Or, you know, the thousands of other languages that existed.

Sorry, distilling everything indigenous down to the Cherokee is a pet peeve of mine.
- https://indigamerica.blogspot.com/
Truly the English specialty: stealing stuff from other people.
- What's the only reason the pyramids are still in Egypt? They're too big to fit in the British museum.
- Spain owned more

Mississippiland

Red, white and blue land obviously.

Turtle Island

OK hear me out: It should be named after the first European explorer to discover it and popularize the European expansion: Christopher Columbus.

Like its namesake, the nation too is racist, cruel and genocidal. Even the Spanish Inquisition era Catholics were like, damn Christopher!
Like the largest exporter of cocaíne in South America, it too is full of drugs, and its elections are the plaything of big money cartels and foreign powers.
It was mostly settled by white people from England.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your new nation: British Columbia.

The world isn't ready for Mega BC

Stolidus

It sounds strong and powerful
It's Latin, and therefore properly awesome.
It's definition is: foolish, absurd, dumb, forceless, powerless

Your first it's is correct. It is Latin.

Your second it's should be its. The definition belongs to the word. But to be fair, I typed it correctly, and then just now had to go back and fix the autoincorrection. So that probably happened to you as well.
- https://blogs.illinois.edu/view/25/76120

Rename it to Mexico. Then the whole gulf of mexico situation is fixed.

A vast amount of it used to be Mexico.

Trade names with the Gulf and become the United States of Mexico.

A not-insignificant amount of the USA was Mexico, at one time.
That’s just Mexico’s actual name
- Yup
There's nothing united about it, other than maybe hatred towards minorities
- other than maybe hatred towards minorities
  
  dissents
  
  There are ~~dozens~~ thousands of us!
New New Mexico and Old New Mexico
United States of Gulf & Mexico America

Formally: Jeb!
Informally: Jebland
Dialectical variant of English: Jeblish
Collective name for the people of Jebland: Jebanese

I’m kidding of course. We all know the process to rename the U.S. would be taken over by the wealthy and we’d wind up named HCH (Human Capital Holdings), LLC, a shell corporation/nation that is jointly owned by Blackrock, Vanguard, and State Street.

The States of Northern Mexico

Fuckwitistan might be prudent after the russian takeover.

Listen. I know you said no wrong answers but unfortunately due to the past few decades of the American Political system, pretty much anything is now effectively accurate. Even such things as:

The Divided States of America
McMilitary Industrial Complex
The Paycheck-to-Paycheck Republic
Red vs Blue
Gilded Ruins
AmeriKKKa
Walmartistan
Gunlandia
Yeehaw Reich
Methlehem
Debtlandia
Live, Laugh, Lawsuit

+2 for Yeehaw Reich
+1 for Methlehem

... but it also reminds of my personal favourite ... Alamabadan
DUM-FUCK-ISTAN. Fuck yeah!!!!

oligarchistan

Fartland.

Given the religious fervor throughout its history, how about naming it after an ancient biblical region?

Transjordan?

Wait. Shit, that won't work, even Jordan's gone woke. Maybe something else in the region?

OH! How about Gilead!?

Sodom. From the story of Sodom & Gommorah, but I would choose the name based on a passage from Ezekiel.

"This was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy."
- I grew up being taught that America was literally the "Whore of Babylon" from the Book of Revelation.
  
  And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. - Revelation 17:5
  
  It was specifically said to be a prophecy about the United States and once you understood that, the rest of the story just clicked into place! I want to vomit just thinking back to that bullshit.
- Yep, in classical biblical literature it's understood that the "sin of Sodom" was lack of social justice.
  
  It's the Christian interpretation that made it primarily a sex thing.
Except Transjordan isn't biblical. It's the region of Palestine that became The Kingdom of Jordan. As opposed to Cisjordan, which is the region that became Israel and the present Palestine.

But I don't think we're allowed to say cis anymore. /s
- Except Transjordan isn’t biblical
  
  I know, but when I Googled to confirm the name of the country in Handmaid's Tale, I noticed the real Gilead was in Transjordan, saw a joke opportunity sitting there, and that was the smoothest I could work it in. I'm open to workshopping it.

The United States Inc. since that's all we are anyway....

United Corp.
- I'm not even sure United applies anymore. I change my answer to The States Corp.

Northern Lands of g.u.l.f. (= greedy unelected lying fascists)

Staties McStatyface

Oooh a contest to name the country, most votes wins!

I'll set up the 1-900 number, just $10 to submit your vote.

Still the same guy, but the Firesign Theater suggested decades ago that the country be called Vespucciland.

And yeah, we name everything else after people's last names.

The Adjacent States of Denial

TwatWaffle McDunceland

Hank D. Hamburgers Electric Freedom Gun-Republic

Needs to be named first.

United States of Lee (after General Robert Lee)

New motto

All For Me and None For Thee

Hey now - why go with Lee when you could go with Forrest and celebrate the first leader of the KKK.

Also, much better statutes.
Never fight uphill, me boys!

The United States of Whatever

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz7_3n7xyDg
I'm pretty sure that video just got posted recently in the new YouTubeClassics community.

Dumbfuckistan

Serious answer: the Viking settlers named the land "Vinland" long before Columbus was even born. That name is of Germanic origin, same as the English language, and would be appropriate for settlers of Germanic origin (England, Germany, etc.)

Alternatively, a name in ~~the~~ a Native American language would be most appropriate given that they were the original inhabitants of the land.

A name in the Native American language

There is no single native American language. There are over 200 of them, and used to be around 300-400, in 57 different families and over two dozen completely isolated languages (which might not be, but it's hard to find out). And they'd likely be at the very least somewhat mutually culturally insensitive.

So that might be even more difficult than using English, which at least has the benefit of being popular now.
- Vinland is Newfoundland, I'm afraid! It's not generally thought that the Norse made it as far south in the Americas as the modern day contiguous USA
"OKLAHOMA", but in all caps because it's big now.
- Needs at least two exclamation points on that thing; to properly imply scale. Add an extra one for each of the following territorial acquisitions: Canada and Greenland.
  
  Coming soon, to a map near you: OKLAHOMA!!!!
Sounds a lot like Finland doesn't it? I believe if our name is on it then it's ours!
they were the original inhabitants of the land.

Nope. Third, apparently, and counting.

The pirates of yore were based on an old fraternity from the 1300s and before, that called this land - no lie - Merica.
- what in gods name are you blathering about?

United States of Native America

United Tribes of America

As Amerigo is the Italianized version of the German 'Emmerich', i'd call it like that.

Bonus is that there is a very unassuming German border town called thusly.

The Land of the Flee while you still can

South Canada

Wackoland

Christland

Donald Trump’s Best, Biggest Country in the World, the Biggest, Juiciest Country there is, you know it, folks, No Illegals Allowed, No Fentanyl, All the Guns! And Covfefe!

Clown Country

The Chips and Cheese Deluxe Society

Muskland. Quickly so we can start a fight.

American States of Maga

And yes, it is infinitely recursive.

united states of fuck you, i got mine.

Divided States of Affairs

Brawndoland

President Camacho would be a marked improvement.

Just revert to using the old name: Vinland.

Turtle Island

https://greenwichhistory.org/whats-in-a-name-americas-first-name/

The only correct answer.

“Yucatán”

Which means “the end of your finger” because the Spanish asked some folks what they were pointing at and they didn’t understand the question

The birth place of Jesus

That's so Utah.

George Soros' United Commune of Mexifornia

Vespucciland

Annual bidding by major corporations for the opportunity to rename the country each year, stadium style.

Let's go United States of Waste Management

Metastasized States of Meta

Eagleland

I played far too much Earthbound.

Okay, so there was the roman empire, that's one, Spanish is two England is three, uh then there is the Mongol empire in the somewhere anyways that makes the US big empire #5 so I says Fivetopia

Annex of Denmark

We have dibs. But I think we'd welcome another Whisky War ;-)
- Denmark 2: American Boogaloo

Whatever the natives decide on tbh. Turtle island is popular but applies to the continent not the country

United mcstatesface

After Hispaniola they made a brief slave raid in the Bahamas, capturing 232 Lucayans, and then returned to Spain.[34] src

i think the cult would call him 'one of the good ones'

Returned to Spain? Traitor!

Bonerland

Hmm, idiocracy fits I guess. Seems to describe our country well enough.

Shitstain

Trumpland. Trumptopia. United states of Trump. Trumplvania. The new republic of Trump.

Just testing the "no wrong answers"

You missed Trumpistan

El Gabacho

Columbo. Marybe Columbo's wife.

Slaves-R-Us

Actually, that's Africa. Africa is the birthplace of slavery. Also, unfortunately, every major civilization was built on the backs of slaves.
- I'm not saying that we either invented slavery or are unique in benefiting from it. We've written a loophole for prisoners to be used as slave labor into our constitution and have the highest number of prisoners of any nation, we have politicians actively trying to create new laws adding more slave labor, and we've tied healthcare to employment and left per-Capita income so low that insinuating that the people who put food on your table are slaves isn't as laughable as it seems.
  
  The reason I suggested the name is that we're the only "advanced" civilization that still directly relies on slave labor. I know that there are examples of other non-third-world countries that consume goods and services from sweatshops, but, as one of the world-leaders in consumerism, we arguably fund and keep alive the demand that necessitates sweatshops.
  
  So, no, we're not unique in our slavery—just in our ability and willingness to sexy it up and slap some paint and labels on it that help us perpetuate it.

Hell.

United States of America (temporary). America as a country isn't making it much longer anyway so no need to think about it too much.

Rome Secundus

United States

There's actually debate over whether America was actually named after Amerigo Vespucci. My understanding is that it was likely just a coincidence that his name is so similar to America. As I understand it, it was actually named after a tribe of native Americans. But native Americans don't pass the Republican scale of whiteness, so they'll probably try to rename America anyways. I'm calling it now: they're going to rename it to Trumpia