Do you ever worry that you're secretly a psychopath that unknowingly manipulates people around you?

You should talk to a therapist.

Asking this question and being self critical is a good sign.

Being told you are gaslighting is NOT necessarily a sign you are a psychopath. They could be gas lighting you. Or you could just have some other blind spots about your own behavior.

You sound like someone on the ASD spectrum - honest, principled, not confirming to social norms, overthinking. You had to mask to survive, yes, so obviously there is a facade, but that don't make you a thief. You are thoughtful & intelligent, & capable of using logic to steer the conversation, but that don't make you manipulative. You are honest man with morals, how can you not be kind? Why don't you consider yourself a nice person?

Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me

Are you sure that they know what that word means? Most of the time I see the word gaslighting, they actually mean something else.

Not to be an armchair psychologist over here (you should probably see a therapist) but it sounds more like autism, not psychopathy.

It doesn't seem like you're a sociopath, it seems like you have ASD. That kind of analytical, no nonsense approach to socialization is typical of high functioning ASD.

It might be worth looking into, of for no other reason than to better understand yourself

Maybe you’re undiagnosed autistic. Im serious.

Sounds like the absolute worst version of imposter syndrome. You doubt everything you are and believe, because you might have some sort of mental illness. Not knowing what that mental illness is you assume the worst possible one.

Oof. Don't worry. You're just who you are. All your accomplishments are real. All your values are valid. Anyone can feel gaslit, honestly memory itself is very shaky. For example tell me exactly what you did 12 days ago. Tell me what you had for lunch that day.

If it's still bugging you just go talk to a therapist. Every person, mentally well or not should see a therapist at least once. There is no shame in exploring your pysche.

Well I wasn't going to comment because I thought everyone here was going to say "you're describing everyone we all feel that way" but I guess not haha

Everything you said in your original post is something I've said when describing myself to my SO or friends. I've been called condescending and I've worked very hard to not be that way. Sometimes when I start hanging out with someone new or get a new coworker I can tell by first impressions they aren't going to like me. Nowadays I can usually turn it around but in the past I would just try not to bother them. People will say "why do you hate me?" and it will catch me off guard because I dont feel that way at all.

I'm also told I can be very argumentative. I get that less now as I am more aware of it, but people who know me know that I am passionate about my opinions.

I don't have any advice besides thank people who give you feedback. Being yourself doesn't mean not working on your social skills, they can be trained like anything else. I've definitely learned better habits, I have more and closer friends through years of work and introspection.

Also you are not a psychopath and there isn't anything wrong with you. Most likely your social type isn't the majority and you have to work a bit harder to gel with the mainstream. Its just something to be aware of. I often feel like my '"true self" is hidden from others, so I try to be as real as possible with my SO and my closest friends.

are you sure it isn't autism

I’ve had similar concerns about myself. I’ve started therapy and found out that I’m suffering from toxic shame - something originating in childhood, developing as you age, and comprehensively modifying behavior in adulthood to include masking, dissociation, lack of emotional connection, inhumanly strong moral guidelines/standards, etc. I’d suggest at least looking up the concept of toxic shame. Also, give yourself some credit and some love; whatever the cause, it’s almost certain that your behavioral patterns were set by forces outside of your control and it sounds like you’ve managed it well

Psychopathy is a popular catch-all term. "Low-empathy" is better, but I think you're just a critical person and most people don't like criticism or self-reflection.

Are you capable of feeling guilt or remorse? If so you are probably not a psychopath. If not you might have some traits. In any case you might want to see a professional.

Also autism is often mistaken for some degree of psychopathy. As an autist I have personal experience with this.

Just out of curiosity: When you say you always speak the truth, is that truth you speak always something negative?

Yes. But then I remember I'm not smart enough to do that.

Well if you're capable of worrying about it that means you're not a psychopath. Sounds more like you think critically about subjects and raise points that they never considered.

Now you may not be bringing those points up nicely, or maybe abruptly, or lack of grace. That you'll have to explore yourself. It really depends on the nature of your conversations/debates/attitude.

Life advice for everyone, read "How to win friends and influence people".

No of course not. If I'm a psychobath I wouldn't worry about it.

The undiplomatic straightforwardness you describe makes me think your empathy might be severely limited, which is sometimes looked at as a defining aspect of psychopathy. Have you heard about this guy? It's a great story.

Maybe look into being tested for ASD. This isn’t uncommon amongst us.

Something to consider in regards to honesty, is tact.There's no reason to lie, but also no reason to be abrasive. It is something I struggle with myself and how I use words.

An example of tact could be someone has bad breath your response could be: "Your breath smells like shit" or "You could use a mint"

The latter will be much better received than the former but neither are a lie and present the issue. Saying things as definitive I've noticed also comes across as harsh even if you are 100% certain of something. I don't fully grasp communication in that way but I've gotten better once I've recognized it and it has helped my interactions. Perhaps it could aid yours.

If you worry that you may be a psychopath, you’re not one!

You’d have framed this question differently. You’d be putting the blame on the other person

“Why is he/she stupid enough to think I’m gaslighting? Can’t they grow up?”

I'm gonna guess that "Quite the opposite; I have very strong morals. This however icludes things like not lying which means that I always speak the truth and not everyone likes hearing it. I don't follow many of the social norms expected of me."

is the reason for this

"A person recently said to me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I so effortlesly make them question their own beliefs and feelings."

It's good to remember that most of our society is based on lying, and that most people prefer someone nice, rather than someone honest.

It's good to be self aware and self critical but I think you're over analysing yourself and putting negative labels on you.

A true psychopath wouldn't care or have the ability to care.

The way you describe yourself you sound like you're intelligent and insightful, and it's unsurprising you would get on with older people if you're more mature than others of your age.

You do need to be careful about inadvertently manipulating other people to your way of thinking - anyone needs to be careful of that, but particularly if they're skilled in being persuasive. Just because you can persuade people to your way of thinking does not mean you are always right. I'm able to do the same in real life but have to frequently stop myself and think - it's really important to learn to be open to other positions before you rush in and try to change people's minds.

Having said all that, that is not "gaslighting". You may need to understand what your friend is saying. It may be that actually you are doing a good thing in persuading them. Or it may be you're inadvertently doing harm.

Or it may just be that your friend is very impressionable - some people are a bit like pillows - they will take on the opinion of the last person they spoke to much like a pillow takes an indent from the l last head they laid on. That'd be their problem, now yours.

But you probably need to understand what it is your friend is saying so you can reflect on whether they are right or wrong to blame you.

Overall though, you seem to take quite a negative view of yourself or are worrying you are a "bad person" (although a psychopath isn't bad, they're just built differently; but obviously that seems bad to a lot of people). The fact you worry about being a psychopath shows you are not one, but also it shows you seem to be feel bad or guilty about who you are. You should explore why that is. As others have said, therapy can be a good way to do that. But having self awareness and a degree of self criticism (within limits) is already a powerful thing; but it can be a bad thing when that is paired with low self esteem.

Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings

That says more about them than about you. An intelligent, stable adult shouldn't be able to be so easily affected, even if they were in a room with Hannibal Lecter.

I've always been quite critical of myself

Lots of people are. That's a good thing, as long as it's constructive criticism. Sometimes it can go overboard and become unhealthy.

don't consider myself a very nice person

Yeah that's not great. You should be nice.

I have very strong morals

Then I think you're not a psychopath.

However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don't conform to many social norms expected of me

That's great! I wish more people in the world were like this.

However, it's also important to say things in a respectful way. That doesn't mean beating around the bush or sugar coating anything. It just means take their feelings into account.

E.g. if someone asks you if they are good at their job, and the truth is they suck, don't say "no, you suck" (unless they deserve it). Say "there's room for improvement. You can get there by working on x, y, and z." The latter is constructive and gives them a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. In a way, that is more truthful than no light at all. Everyone can improve and change and better themselves, and it's important to remind others (and yourself) of that.

Not conforming to society is great. I wish fewer people conformed.

But I can't help but wonder why they don't see me as I see myself

No one can do that but you.

I worry that I'm hiding the true me so well that people don't actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain

That's called being an adult. As a child, we aren't required to regulate our emotions, or enter complicated relationships with others. Life is full of tradeoffs, and after enough of them, even if you always make the best choices, you'll still be far from where you felt when you started. We're all strangers in foreign lands after a while. That doesn't make you a psychopath; it makes you human.

I feel of felt something like you (and like someones that commented here). What made me search for help was this fantastic interview with a sociopath, with which I found big big (BIG) correlation: https://youtu.be/bdPMUX8_8Ms (I didn' t remember it was that long, but is worth if you may).

Long story short: it was found that I'm not sociopath, autistic (all questions of mine, subject to exams), but I know I have a different perception of relations. I can go aroung and do like Dyshae (the interviewed person of the video), demonstrating what others expect for good even though I don't feel it like everyone else.

Or I can be myself and, if my lifestyle is healthy for me and others, only live, no need to change how I do or trying to change my feelings. (In my specific case, it is not healthy to me, I have depression and I'm paralyzed by many things, but this would not then be of interest here and, certainly, not more Long Story Short.)

I hope it can be a light for you.

The psychopaths I knew were quite proud of their ability to manipulate people.

I would suggest that you find a therapist who is experienced with psychopathy and see them. Although a lot of people who are psychopaths do terrible things, not everyone does and empathetic SEEMING behaviors can be learned and be beneficial. It seems like this is bothering you and getting a diagnosis and learning how to read other people's emotions and respond appropriately might help. Even if you aren't actually feeling it, you could put them at ease and fit in better. Radical truth is great and all but little white lies get told for a reason and that's something it might help you to learn.

I sometimes wonder if the emotions I display are genuine or if I'm mimicking them to appear normal.

So a sociopath, basically.

Yeah I absolutely relate to this, but challenging people yo be objective and showing them a new perspective* that is outside of the norm is not gaslighting. Asking someone to question their behavior is not gaslighting. Especially when you are here applying the same reasoning to yourself.

Gaslighting is intentionally making somebody question their perceivable reality with the intent to manipulate for your own gain. I don't think this applies to philosophical questions of morality unless you are contradicting and forcing your beliefs on them through some type of moral absolutism. I also don't think it applies if you convince someone the closed down shop was a hot dog stand and it was actually a Burger stand so long as you were honestly mistaken. If you keep them in the dark intentionally after learning the truth that would probably be though.

It is possible also that your definition of truth is too broad and you need to interject some self doubt, since we've all been wrong before, and maybe in that invitation to discuss both possibilities your approach will be refined.

In line with what others here are saying, I have the same thoughts as you and i got diagnosed with ADHD late, the psychiatrist mentioned I fit multiple criteria for ASD but that ADHD correctly captures most symptoms so we go with that. If possible taking assessments and talking to a profrssional should help cut down on these instances where you assume the worst of yourself.

as someone who contemplates my seemingly sociopathic demeanor in general. This is something i think about quite a bit from time to time.

Personally, i've sort of disassociated from myself and other people in regards to a lot of socialization. In order to explicitly prevent manipulative tendencies from cropping up. Generally i refer to it as giving other people explicit free will in my interactions. That tends to be through pretty vague non descript statements. Though you have to be careful to still say things that you stand behind as well. It's kind of a thing.

A lot of people would say that's not the correct thing to do. But it is what i do. It makes me feel better about interacting with other people. Also it's sort of a performance art type of thing for me, i can leverage it pretty weirdly to engage in some interesting interactions.

You should sit down with them and talk to them about it, in a mostly one sided manner (you're trying to see how they feel, not convince them of anything) and also bring up your thoughts about yourself. Gauge where they are, see if they have any similar thoughts on their end that are tangential to yours (do they feel like they easily get gaslit, or that they aren't keen on interacting with very "forward" (for lack of a better word) people. It'll give you a perspective into them, and them a perspective into you.

No, mainly because even when I try to manipulate people, I usually don't succeed.

As an American, I prefer to be called a Sociopath. Because of the implications for society.

No. I crit fail on every charisma check. Besides I have dealt with people who have conditions in the dark triad and nothing I do is like that.

Just remember not giving a shit isn't a superpower. For every millionaire that is a sociopath you see there are hundreds of ones you don't see divorced and poor. It is observation bias and no one cares about the boring ones.

No, brcause I'm a total doormat who always caters to everyone else's needs before my own. Which is the opposite of a narcissist. I wish I could be. It seems more liberating than what I'm doing now.

Then again, what little self esteem I have is predicated on being able to cater to other people's needs - even my job is customer support.

I'd flip to being a user in a heartbeat if only I could.

I have these thoughts myself and I find what you describe seem to apply to me as well. I’ve been trying to follow the saying of. Speak only when it’s true, kind, and necessary.

It’s not easy. I fail often.

No, I don't have people around me anymore.

Some nights I lie awake rewriting the game dialogue options in my head so I can say what I gotta say without making NPCs sad.

So... no.

this includes things like not lying,

Then stay quiet, if what you have to say is only negative. A white lie is OK to not make people sad or offend them if it's matters of little importance. There's this thing called being polite. And that includes for instance saying dinner is nice when it isn't.

I'm guessing you are a bit autistic, i can absolutely relate to what you say, and the above took me decades to learn, and I'm still struggling with it.

Well, if I am, I'm really bad at it.

I can't convince a mouse to eat cheese.

The fact you are even asking this makes me think you’re not a psychopath or sociopath.

A (psycho/socio)path would probably not be introspective at that accusation. They would probably just dismiss it or be angry that someone could even think that about them.

I am not a therapist or licensed to diagnose someone and no professional would/could ever diagnose someone without meeting them and interacting.

I would strongly suggest seeking out a therapist. I am a huge proponent of therapy for everyone - everyone needs an impartial party to talk to about things, even when things are going well.

Personality disorder characterized by persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, disinhibited, and egotistical traits Wikipedia

Seems you’re not since in this post you show empathy, remorse, and examining your flaws is anti-egotistical. Though you may think of not conforming to social norms as antisocial behavior, many people do this and put on a “public” facade.

Though, being “honest to a fault” is a little antisocial depending on how far you take that. Is it just “I never give a lie to a direct question.” Or: Do you always correct people who you know told a lie? Do you interject in stories where a lie has been told? Do you tell people unsolicited truths that are hurtful? Some would consider the latter list of behaviors to be antisocial.

It’s good to self-evaluate. I know I have some manipulative habits, I definitely lie too easily, sometimes without remorse, but I don’t fit a majority of the markers: I feel immense remorse at certain things, I’m not arrogant, I’m genuinely helpful, not just manipulatively so, etc. I would consider talking more in dept with your friends that want to cut ties or express frustration and hear out their concerns. We all have areas for self improvement, so don’t just yourself too harshly. Maybe as another commenter suggested, go to therapy and see what you can uncover.

Psychopaths don't unknowingly manipulate.

I used to. I mean, I still do, but I used to, too and the way I think about it now is just different. Went to a doctor because of it.

Turns out it was just a combination of ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe autism (but they wanted a specialist to handle that and I haven't done it yet).

I feel like it might be better to think about whether your specific words and actions are manipulative than whether you're a psychopath or what your identity is in general. Is that person justified in feeling gaslit? Are you in fact manipulating people or not? That's a question that can be looked at more objectively.

It's because you make them unsure of themselves. Maybe. If they say they feel gaslit around you, because you make them think, maybe remind them "gaslighting" is more convincing them they're crazy, not wrong exactly. This can also seem like gaslighting to that type.

1000% I feel whenever someone has a connection with me i'm manipulating them, I'm diagnosed bipolar so I overthink things a lot sometimes.

As people are saying, a true psychopath might not even question themselves. That said, it is probably a spectrum and we all may have such tendencies - and I mean like 100% of the population, as a shared human condition, to lie somewhere on that spectrum. It seems a good thing to me to examine myself in that manner and maybe dial down, or perhaps even dial up, those things. Especially when others misuse the words, twisting them to suit their own perspectives - e.g. calling someone "unstable" if they want to escape them, the abuser.

Also there are generational differences, and even generational (and other) traps - e.g. a lot of older MAGA parents in the midwestern USA have been abandoned by their children, who want to do things like "take the vaccine" (which I chose to highlight the discussion since it is a decision involving fully literal life-and-death consequences, plus also likelihood of permanent brain damage, which is what we now know long-covid to be), so in such cases is it truly the children who are being "unstable" and "aggressive" to leave, or rather the fault of the parents who attempt to force their christofacist belief structures onto their children, leaving no room in the latter to have their own thoughts or desires?

These are complex, weighty matters, and won't be resolved quickly, but are good to think about regardless.

Literally all the time

No. I have not thought that.

If that's the case I'm a lousy one.

Everyone manipulates everyone around them unknowingly all the time. Even altruistic behavior exists partly because it makes other people think good things about you.

Only if you'd stop all human contact would you stop that. We're built to want things (mostly sex+resources) from other people, and we're equipped to get it.

We also all have "dark" ("psychopathic") thoughts & behaviors that we're hiding, not only from others but also ourselves. Some people embrace them more than others, some people resist them more than others.

I can suggest The Moral Animal for deeper understanding.

I choose to handle this by not interacting with people.

No. I don't do any of this stuff and it has never occurred to me to do it.

Maybe reflect on how the other person is feeling with your comments and adapt if possible. Sometimes you can't. My SO grandma says racist stuff to me all the time and I just laugh inside. I could debate her but what value is there for me. She's on deaths door anyway. Grandma also used to trash talk mom until my SO said stop it. Those are examples of Just go with the flow or end the behavior that is causing stress.

My wife, a psychologist, says that you could be a psychopath, but its much more likely you have borderline personality disorder or are on the austism spectrum

i don't because i don't meet the diagnostic criteria for ASPD

No. That's a very weird thing to wonder about and almost makes me think you might actually be a psycho.

https://www.amazon.com/Gaslighting-Recognize-Manipulative-Emotionally-People/dp/0738284661/

The fact that you're bothered by the question rules-out your being a ( intrinsic/brain ) psychopath,

but mentally/abuse/culturally induced sociopathy is a thing ( I've some ),

and even that is beside the point.

Please invest in that excellent book & earn becoming ore whole.

_ /\ _

With a name like Thorny_Insight, I imagine you’ve already accepted and internalized the possibility that your internally critical mindset is equally external. This doesn’t make you evil, it doesn’t make you awful to be around, it just means that you have embraced the personality that you currently question, even if it isn’t who you truly are.

The world is becoming a very different place and the personality you have is one which is constantly questioned by people that think what is good is conformity and acceptance of anything and everything. There is no reason you need to conform or accept everything at face value.

No, because I knowingly manipulate the people around me. I'm firmly against violence, including emotional and verbal violence, so I make the effort to manipulate people with misdirection and incentives rather than threats or punishment.

Every manipulates others all the time, whether they know it or not, whether they admit it or not. The important thing is to do it ethically, and how can you do that if you're not aware of the effects you have on others?

It's good that you are engaging in self-examination in this way. I might suggest that there's a difference between being honest and being blunt. Just because you refuse to lie does not mean you always need to tell the truth, rather that you only tell the truth. You're allowed to keep silent, to leave a true-but-painful confrontation unspoken.

Troll.