The problem is, everyone THINKS that they're the woman in this meme.
True, in reality everyone in the ghoul. Dating does become harder the older you get. When you're 18 and you date an 18 year old, both have very little life and dating experience. You basically mix water with water. When you're 35, you're vinegar and even if you like your date, she might be oil and you just don't mix. You have to compromise, which only gets harder and harder.
It's not harder, objectively.
It's just that people's expectations aren't realistic. And nobody is more bitter than average folks who think they are the top 1% of the dating pool, which is what the average person thinks. So many people in the dating pool make like 50k/yr and think you should be a millionaire to date them.
I've met so many women who are complete average looking, average income, etc. who think they DESERVE Don Draper and anything less is 'below them'. They'd rather be alone with their fantasy TV boyfriend then be in a real relationship with a person who is their equal with whom they can build a good life.
I'm a medium successful dude, and when I go out dating all I seem to encounter women who are worse than me in pretty much every metric who dunk on me for not being the top 1% man of their dreams. Like I can run a half marathon, no problem, but these ladies who can't even run a mile will dunk on me for not being in the Olympics. I have more wealth than 80% of other americans, and to most women I meet, I am 'poor'.
and if you go check out 'female dating advice' on social media... 99% of it reflects this crazy unrealistic attitude and it's SUPER popular.
I know a 30yo woman that I am interested in, and is 40mins away. The problem is she is not interested. She likes guys that are 20yo and live long distance(other countries), and they all end disastrously. I am just her 34yo friend.
They do? Oh... oh, I might need therapy.
I know you’re not from the South because down there the first wave of divorces is at about 21 years old with three kids
Marrying the first person you ever fuck and breeding uncontrollably only to become deeply miserable and unfulfilled in your locked down life is very human and not at all a good idea. Every success story of first love is a random aberration that fuels the myth that this should be the status quo.
Most people are a lot sluttier than that
Not all of the kids have to be theirs either.
And you know they’re not from NYC, LA, or SF - because there are tons of good looking single people over 35.
I hate how true this is.
What's worse is that many of the people who didn't fall into that trap have been waiting to responsibly have children later, which I also don't want. Finding anyone down here that is interested in being child free down here is a challenge and finding someone who doesn't expect to have a busy life to make up for it is even more difficult.
I didn't know penguins could marry.
Four suitors? What is she, a billionaire?!
I worked for one of the major dating sites about a decade ago. Let me assure you, that people act like debased hyperhormonal chimps in heat when they think nobody is watching. Oh, and by the way - someone is ALWAYS watching.
If you're a male who has some combination of a steady job, are remotely reliable, not drug or booze addled, have most of your teeth and hair and can tell a joke and hold a conversation - you're golden. It is UTTERLY unfair to ladies, but just being able to hold that low bar will get you much farther than you might think.
It's a strange dilemma - for a dating site to suceed, you have to protect the women. From the guys' perspective, it's shouting into the void, on the off chance you might EVER stand out enough to get a reply a week. From a woman's perspective, it's like the ozone layer protecting a constant bombardment of radiation and lethal rocks from space. A cornucopia of typically BAD CHOICES that manage to slip through the various cracks that the sites/apps put up to protect them.
But - the women ARE the site. If you have the WOMEN, then the men would follow you buck naked through the flaming tar pits of hell to get to them. But - the average male is a monosyllabic goblin with skeletons in his closet and bad intentions much more often than you'd think. It's why Bumble tried female-only communication initiation. The women on dating sites have an invisible shield tbey don't even realize exists around them to prevent bots, unsolicited dick pics, one word messages, repeat-offense harassers, and wide-net-casting quagmires who have more deeply held mysoginstic beliefs than they do good pick up lines.
I think the joke and hold a good conversation are where I run into problems.
I can't keep jobs because of my agoraphobia, and anxiety. I was thinking of volunteering at the library, but transportation sucks in my city, and I don't drive. I have mental rumination, and depression, while I also suck at keeping a good conversation. I do a lot of sucking, but not the good kind, except when I have a bowl of noodles.
That there is already a good self deprecating joke. Don’t sell yourself short. Unless you ARE short, then may I recommend entering the priesthood
This is a good ad.
Except that "the women" on your sites are often bots controlled by the site. Men will drag themselves through hell when they're led on by a bot, too. And the site gets to control the bots.
Surely they can't start browsing DMs?
Anything not advertised as E2EE can be assumed to have some 3rd party able to look at the conversation, malicious or not.
Of course. How do you investigate harassment and identify site-killing lunatics without keyword searching.
It’s all stored and anyone who needs to see stuff their site hosts can get it. Plus - you’d be surprised how much criminal activity people are willing to discuss with strangers.
No. No it does not.
No kidding. I'm apparently the only person who has ever had an amicable divorce where we just realized we weren't compatible and never felt the need to bash each other. The post-divorce crowd can be pretty dire. They should mandate a certain number of therapy sessions before you can sign up for a dating app.
From what I've learned, it has a lot to do with attachment styles.
My ex is avoidant, with some pretty narcissistic traits (love bombing, then refusal to even hug because it's too much).
I was/am anxious, or as the couples counselor told me "clingy."
In our one-on-ones, she summarized up a book we had been assigned (which my ex didn't read lol) that it was a statistic thing. 50% of people are secure style - they meet, and tend to stay together cause it just works. ~25% are anxious, and they do ok together and work fine with secure. ~25% are avoidant, and unfortunately, unless they work towards secure attachments, are pretty much always in and out of relationships. There's a small amount of "disorganized" that has both insecure styles, but they tend towards secure over time.
The result is that the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. There will always been avoidant people available though. Secure style people are great at recognizing avoidant and typically don't put up with their bullshit for long. Anxious attachment though end up with avoidants and it becomes a terrible thing, the anxious will do anything to stay, causing the avoidant to do things out of the relationship more.
If you could guess one common thing amongst avoidants that finally ends the relationship, what would it be? If you said cheating, you'd be completely right. It's really hard to end amicably after that.
Dude, I hear that loud and f-ing clear. I'm also someone who left a marriage without any real hate toward my ex. We were chill during the marriage and afterward. No cheating; no drama.
So when I re-entered the dating world a decade after I had previously been in it, I did not expect the amount of bitter dudes I've since come across. If your profile starts with you saying you won't tolerate a woman who does ______., I'm more concerned about how damaged you are from your previous relationship than I am about whether or not we would be a good match.
I had one too. My ex and I are on great terms. It makes for some fun moments when we can joke about our divorce and make people uncomfortable.
After 35 is the first wave of divorces?
Dude most people I know don't start thinking about marriage or kids before 30
What's the movie? I really identify with corpse #3
Poltergeist
Also she's swimming with real bodies because it was cheaper.
Do I remember correctly that these were real bodies because it was cheaper than fakes?
The bigger problem is everyone has kids already. But by 45 or so you can start looking for people with adult kids.
nobody has kids at that age in the urban coastal cities. i'm 40 i've never dated or met a single mother.
I feel this in my core. Dating in your 30s is like dating at max difficulty
I find it much easier!
- People are less shy
- They have more experience
- They know better what they are looking for
- Their fantasy marriage/life has been renounced
- People are much more chill about sex matters
- Their romantic histories are quite telling
- Most people have their own place
- Careers are mostly stable
/
Cons
- Much smaller dating pool
- Many have kids already
- More difficult to make friends/meet people in general
As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?
The issue I have run into a lot is that they have the "wrong" kind of experience. Somewhat inline with the adage "practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect". I spent a lot of my teens and 20s being introspective, working on myself, and becoming the kind of person I would want to date. A lot of people I have had experiences with in my 30s spent a lot of that time in bad relationships creating reactive responses to various things rather than addressing the core issues or learning how to, and as a result they often have a lot of "bad habits" or expectations going into dating or future relationships.
I have met more than one person that has said they need someone who can be patient with them while they heal and deal with their past, while also not necessarily wanting to, or being capable of, providing that same level of patience and understanding to a partner. That seems....uhhh not really appropriate or fair? But I'm the one that's been single for quite a while, sooooo it's just as likely I could be the one with my head so far up my ass I can taste my tonsils.
bingo.
gist of most people who are terminally single is they aren't capable of offering as much as they demand. so for anyone that is a bad deal. a lot of people simple become parasites in a relationship, financially, emotionally, etc. and those parasitic people will never ever admit fault, they will blame the partner they are sucking the life out of that they aren't 'giving them enough'.
I was in a few relationships that became soul-sucking. i used to be depressed and suicidal in the past... because I as in relationships that were sucking my soul out. When I broke up, stayed single, and worked on myself... my life had value again and i was no longer depressed and suicidal.
the issue isn't about experience. it's about how you treat other people and if you see your partner as a person... rather than a resource to extract things from (money, sex, attention, etc)
As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?
I'd rather be content by myself.
No experience. All bad experiences means more potential for either a lot of unchecked baggage, that person is the cause of the bad experiences, or both.
Bad experiences. No experience at my age would be a very bad sign. With my husband, we each had one crazy ex, then he had a couple of two year relationships that weren't bad just sort of ran their course. Apparently when he met me he knew it could work out long term but I was afraid he was only good for two years, so just took it kinda slow, not sex-wise but relationship-wise. Waited two years to move in together (we both had kids so it was a good idea regardless) then he started making noise about getting married, I told him he could ask after we'd lived together two years.
Best relationship of my life so far, 12 years in, we are both well aware how good we have it, because we have both had the bad times. His kids won't even talk to their mom - in the divorce the courts gave him custody not just of his kids, but his step kids too, that is how bad she got, and she has not improved. My ex's mom said if it came to it she would argue her son should not even have visitation, that's how bad he got (we weren't married so that part was easier). He has improved when he quit drinking, thank God and now sometimes hangs out, like at holidays, parties, etc.
So I would argue for experience use but caution. Not someone with a string of crazy exes.
Is there a third option?
See above I guess lol
This is where I have massive respect for gay guys who just use Sniffies for outright hookups and sometimes don't even bother to learn the other guy's name. Listening to drag queen podcasts has taught me a lot, and that a sex life can be pretty straightforward for gay guys.
Meanwhile, gay women, 🦗🦗🦗
I do not recognise the bodies in the water!!
No, wait, I do actually, that's Steve, he died last week, I wonder how he got a movie part after that. Lucky.
Oh, and there is Shelly, looking sexy as ever.... oh shit.
I'm just waiting til I get to the retirement home in about 35 years, they're like huge orgies.
Orgies and Lan parties all day
Aww man, that sounds so awesome! Hopefully weed will be legal by then in the UK too.
I wish I didn’t know this first hand
What happened?
They removed the headstones but left the bodies!
is this poltergeist lolll
I believe so. If so, those are real skeletons
Not that I didn't believe you but I needed to understand it. This article not only confirms they were real but the actress wasn't aware until after filming. Nuts.
The solution is to just stop bothering trying and accept that you'll always be alone, or that at some point you'll stumble upon a person who you like and likes you back.
Im lesbian and know 2 lesbians, so like, I doubt that's going to happen, so I just do the former.
Am I the only one having a stroke trying to understand:
"clears up again after the first wave of divorces (after 35?)"
Seems plausible. Most of my friends got married or "like-married" between arround 28 and 32, then the divorces happened between arround 35 and 38. Those who survived that wave are still married.
yeah you are. it's really easy to understand.
the pool was clear before people got married. it clears up again after the first wave of divorces. clear meaning 'there are desirable people to date'
are you ESL?
I don't quite get it. Is the problem that you miss being pursued by younger people?
All the good men are already taken, the ones who are still available are single for a reason.
No matter the gender the issue is the same
Or we became so insecure in our previous relationship that we're terrified of meeting new people :).
Can't get hurt that way.
If you think the single men are bad that age, look at the women!
The real secret to dating after 35 - don't.
Folks are not looking to "date": they're after long term commitment OR quick hook ups. The middle ground really vanishes when you get older!
you can't build a successful relationship without dating and getting to know if you're a good fit.
Yes and no; I've met some people who were great to date but hell to live with.
A good relationship starts with both people knowing what they want - and continual contact helps determine if the other person is being honest about what they want. Post 35/30, this process is often a lot faster, and dating skill matters less than ability not to annoy the person you're suddenly around 24/7.
If it matches from the start, or a compromise grows, you're in for a winner. Otherwise, back to the sea of the undead you go, no matter how good your dating skill!
Sorry, no. Source: life experiences. It's just you should clarify up front.
I think it goes further than that - post 35 (post 30 really) there is a lot more pressure to shift from casual dating to a relationship at a faster pace.
Life experience talking here too, it isn't just "being upfront", it's also being willing to move at a faster pace.
That’s all dating is before 35 too. I mean what middle ground? Do you think people are going out with the intention of dating for a year or two?
Intention and reality are two different things - although I can't say I ever managed casual dating for 2 years! Usually most folks are in a relationship after 1.
This is so sadly accurate lol
