This is somewhat closer to some historical ideas on sex and gender than our strict homo/hetero divide.
In the classical period manliness in sex was more about being the penetrator rather than who you were penetrating. Intercrucial sex as he describes was quite popular among the Greeks, I believe. "You're only gay if you take it" is an attitude that still exists in some places.
The insecure need to deny the "gayness" is quite childish and perpetuates damaging homophobia, but you can identify as a man, fuck men, and not identify as gay. Human sexual is broader than the boundaries any one culture tries to put on it.
The insecure need to deny the "gayness" is quite childish and perpetuates damaging homophobia,
you can identify as a man, fuck men, and not identify as gay.
Hopefully you are talking about a broader spectrum because this feels contradictory. Bordering the spectrum is not helpful. We striving for people to be more open. There isn't anything to be ashamed of suggesting you are gay, even if you only like a very specific subset. In most cases the avoidance to the word is not because it's too exclusive but because they are afraid of the label.
You shouldn't be ashamed, or shamed for your private life if it doesn't hurt people
There isn’t anything to be ashamed of suggesting you are gay
No, for sure, definitely not. That shame - and the juvenile belief that being identified by others as gay is somehow damaging - is harmful. The insecure need to claim 'no homo' perpetuates homophobia. I wanted to state that clearly so my next point isn't misunderstood.
'Gay' is an identity that some people feel applies to them and others do not. Often when you hear, for example, public health officials talking about the '22-23 mpox outbreak, they used terms like 'men who have sex with men' - because men who identify as straight or primarily straight still occasionally have sex with men.
Similarly, plenty of people who identify as gay have sex or have had sex with the opposite gender. Among my gay friends gold star gays are a minority, but I'm 40 and suspect the numbers look different among younger folks. But that doesn't make them shamefully closeted bisexuals, as real as bi-erasure is.
These labels are not iron-clad descriptions of immutable fact, they're identities with fuzzy edges that only roughly describe how we see ourselves and how we want the world to see us.
It is possible to maintain a healthy, homophobia-free identity as a straight man, while still having sex with other men. It's definitely far less common in most parts of the US than a homophobia-laden gay man like Lindsey Graham. But identity is identity whereas behavior is behavior and the two aren't always linked in ways that fit our culture's expectations.
That's not true. Homosexuality has always considered bad and sexual relations with another man were considered gay.
A few years ago buzzfeed decided to give their perspectives on history and invented this false narrative that people in the past were more tolerant of gays.
The conquest mentality and "cult of virility" shaped same-sex relations. Roman men were free to enjoy sex with other males without a perceived loss of masculinity or social status, as long as they took the dominant or penetrative role.
The ancient Greeks did not conceive of sexual orientation as a social identity as modern Western societies have done. Greek society did not distinguish sexual desire or behavior by the gender of the participants, but rather by the role that each participant played in the sex act, that of active penetrator or passive penetrated.
Opposition to homosexuality in China rose in the medieval Tang dynasty, but did not become fully established until the late Qing dynasty and the Chinese Republic.
I mean, he isn't entirely wrong. A bit of a douche, but sexuality isn't purely binary, and it really is about what you're actually attracted to rather than what you can "make do with".
Another way of looking at it is that if you aren't into the person sexually, rather than just human contact as opposed to masturbation, it isn't something that changes your core orientation.
Now, I would still think of that as being into the bisexual section of the slider, but I prefer not to place labels on people when they don't want them. Dude says he's straight, doesn't matter what my personal opinion about where boundaries switch are, he's straight.
Also, it pretty much all feels the same in the dark, mouth and anus anyway. Or so I've been told, never done the whole "dark room" thing myself.
People just care too much about labels. Clearly they've figured out what they're comfortable with and just are uncomfortable with the black and white labels
But the thing is... who gives a shit, and if they do, why? Social ostracization. Being banished from your society, and the chance of violent consequences. That's why people distance themselves from what the consensus thinks is deviant behavior.