Excuses are "this is why I'm not at fault" and places the blame on someone or something else (including a circumstance). A reason is "this is why it happened" without trying to self-justify. A lot times reasons come across as excuses because the person has not taken responsibility for what they've done.
If a reason doesn't come with ownership of fault, it's an excuse.
It's not a neurotypical thing, it's an asshole thing.
"Go fuck yourself" is probably the response you're looking for. Or maybe just ending the conversation.
Because it is not a question. They are not asking for information. They are complaining about your work by recriminating you. Like a rethoric question where the answer is "because you're stupid".
they are inv asking for information
Every excuse is a reason, but not every reason is an excuse.
There are genuine good reasons for things not going as planned. Like things being outside of your control.
But if it was inside your control, and you could definitely have made it go as planned, but you didn't. Then your reason is an excuse.
Holy crap I feel seen! I always wondered this also!
It’s a problem even for those of us who are neurotypical (my son is not which is why I follow this community also, so as he gets older I can understand better).
But as someone said, bosses especially will say this and they really just want you to say it was your fault.
In my mind, the difference is if you are excusing the behavior.
“I’m sorry I’m late, I missed my alarm” is an explanation because I’m not excusing the behavior, just explaining.
“I’m late because my alarm didn’t go off” is an excuse because I’m asking to excuse the behavior.
That said, excuses seem to have this bad reputation as being just a reason for laziness, but they really shouldn’t as they can be valid.
Example, my work requires 2FA to log in, which I get via a text. I use a local carrier and “our vendor who handles texting went down”. In that sense, that was my excuse for being late getting logged in - and it wasn’t laziness.
If they ask for an explanation and complain about being given an excuse, then they don't want to hear the series of events which occurred. They want to hear which of your character flaws is responsible and that you're ashamed of that flaw.
Source: drag speaks fluent neurotypical
An excuse removes responsibility.
A reason does not.
"You are excused" means you no longer are responsible for the outcome.
"I literally wasn't present when it happened, so I'm not responsible for the outcome" < excuse, which can be valid
"I knew what was going to happen, here is why I did it for a good reason" < reason
Example: three kids are present, 2 are graffiti'ing the back of a house
When caught, 1 kid says "I was trying to stop them, they wouldn't listen". This is an excuse, they're claiming they aren't at fault and not responsible for the graffiti.
Another says "the home owner deserved it, he's an asshole", this is a reason as they are clearly not avoiding responsibility.
When you try and use an excuse to get out of something thar you clearly are responsible for, that's when you will get served the "I dont want an excuse" line.
When you try and use an excuse to get out of something thar you clearly are responsible for, that's when you will get served the "I dont want an excuse" line.
Or when they don't really want an explanation and just want you to admit fault and ask for forgiveness.
Not only was this well explained, but the short segments are great for my ADHD-phobia of large blocks of text
This exchange centers on excuse vs explanation.
An excuse intends to justify or remove blame.
An explanation simply retells the events without motivation or justification.
If someone ever says "I don't want your excuse" simply reply "I'm explaining what happened without excusing anything. Would you like to hear that?"
If someone ever says "I don't want your excuse" simply reply "I'm explaining what happened without excusing anything. Would you like to hear that?"
That never worked for me. The "I don't want your excuses" types were never looking for an answer they just wanted to be dicks.
Trying to further explain like in your quote above always produced "that's just more excuses!" or, "don't talk back to me" or "likely story..." or, "don't be a smartass!"
All bullshit. There are reasonable people out there but those who ask a question then berate the person they asked for answering (or for refusing to answer, when they already know the outcome) are just assholes who today will lose both my respect and attention.
Let me tell you a few secrets
First, anger uses up social energy. They get it back from your response to them... If you don't let them read any emotion from you, they'll tire themselves out very quickly.
You just have to control your body language, keep your tone calm, and let them talk. Make it clear you're paying attention to them, but otherwise give them nothing
You don't have to listen to what they say, they're just making angry human noises. Just listen to their tone, it'll rise and fall in energy cyclically until they run out of energy
When they stop talking, just give them a few moments of silence so they can feel embarrassed, then disregard their little temper tantrum and progress the conversation like it never happened, focusing on solutions
And that's the second secret - you can prompt-break a human. In every interaction, humans take on roles. Customer-employee, public official-citizen, manager-worker... Humans naturally fall into roles
You can pull a human out of their role by not playing your part, and in that moment of confusion you can recontectualize the interaction
In this case, you change the conversation roles from "you being mad at me" to "I'm the expert helping you fix your problem"
Obviously, if you just say that, people will generally just get more upset. But if you pull them off balance and start acting a new role, they'll take on the counterpart role
It's all third path conflict resolution, it's honestly harder to explain then it is to do it
If they say anything like that, just say "alright I'm gonna get back to work, cya" and quickly disengage. If they say like "we aren't done here" reply as professionally as possible to the effect of: "I was describing the events as plainly as possible. You don't seem to want that and this disagreement isn't helping me do my job. If you want the facts I have them."
If you are in an adult situation, don't allow someone to treat you like a child. Even if you've made a mistake.
That said, not sure if I mentioned it in this thread or another, but if you are in a weakened position, like you desperately need the job, then the only response is "yes sir, sorry it happened."
Oh, yeah, I think it's just a speech figure to win the debate.
Some boss-normies constantly do this to up the pressure and you stress levels.
I just stated to either fully ignore such questions or give beck bullshit one-liners ('bcs I know what I'm doing', 'it was the best resources allowed', 'bcs I deliver & achieve goals, and this one is achieved', etc.).
But it's all just leader bullshit.
I do it with my kids. Not because I don't want to hear the process, I do, but I want them to think about the root cause of why they do the things they do. Oversimplified example; why didn't you do your homework? Well, I didn't think about it. Ok, why didn't you think about it? I was focused on (x thing). Sure, so why weren't you able to remember you had homework? Etc, until we find what the reason was.
It's like a 5 whys or drill down method. The root is the reason, almost everything before it is an excuse. Essentially I'm attempting to teach them to do this on their own to improve their problem solving abilities and, because they're both ADHD, like me, to teach them to coping skills.
But yes, at work it's often just an excuse to push an agenda in a demeaning way.
When I get that line, I end the conversation. As politely as is just necessary.
I refuse to be scolded and lectured like a child, and if it's a work setting, I would probably fire off a couple resumés that very evening.
I'm too old to demean myself in the workplace. I am of equal value as everyone else in the company, even if somemakeare paid more money and can assign tasks to me. That doesn't make them higher-ups.It's not just you, neurotypicals on the receiving end of that hate it too. Everyone gets told that garbage line once in a while. It's always said by someone on a power trip, they're trying to put you down into a place beneath them
In reply to the meme: Anyone who asks why and then cuts off the person they asked immediately assumed that ANY response would be an excuse, since they didn't listen to it.
They just want to be angry. They don't care about anything else, and anything anyone says is irrelevant.
No, there's one reason that they wouldn't consider an excuse, and it's what they expected you to say: "I'm a good for nothing stupid head". That's what they want to hear. They're mad because you didn't say it.
Excuses are generally made to avoid responsibility, and they aren't always completely accurate. Explanations just clarify what happened.
The thing is, the person receiving an explanation might well just assume it's an excuse, and it's hard to convince them otherwise.
Yup, when it comes to intent only one person actually knows the intent and everyone else is assuming.
To add, justifications are the opposite of excuses, they are a reason for something that justifies it.
Excuse | Explanation | Justification
Yea, even when I explain something I did wrong, I make a point to mention it's not an okay excuse and own my mistake. Then give ways I will avoid this problem I'm the future.
It's this.
Good additions about justifications in this thread as well.
More often than not it's more appropriate to say "I misunderstood, how should it have been done?" or "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I'll be more careful" which may or may not include an apology depending on whether you inconvenienced someone else.
I absolutely hate when people say shit like that, and I will 100% tell management in front of everyone "If you just want someone to blame, that's fine but don't ask me to explain something and then get pissy like a child when I do exactly that."
Because that's exactly what they are doing.
And I will not participate in such assery.
Imho, an excuse is just an invalid reason, and that varies person to person and situation to situation.
I work in a role that has customer service elements, and sometimes there is no difference. Some people just want to be angry. CEO types are the worst about this, where an “excuse” is any less than perfect reason (from their ungrounded point of view) and a reason is whatever they accept, and usually their mind has already been up. Perfection or perish.
On the other hand, if I was late to work, and my manager asked why, and I said “Oh, there was a major wreck on the freeway” he would say “oh, that’s fine” knowing I often get to the office a little early because I add in an extra 20 minutes for traffic, since that usually gets me into the office in time due to how unpredictable my commute times tend to be.
The director at my first job, would not give a flying fuck, and would exclusively say “stop making excuses, you should have left earlier” if i was like two minutes late for any reason, even if a normal person would go “oh ok, that’s fine”
Yeah it's important to cut that off, if you can.
I try to reply something like "I'm not seeking to be excused, I'm explaining what happened. That's it." This can be a bit bristly but it clearly defines your role in the conversation, and stops them from putting you in a role they've picked for you. (the penitent subordinate) .
Obviously ymmv as you might not be stable enough in your role
As for dealing with other people, it's subjective. If they're not satisfied with your answer, it's an excuse to them.
To be a bit more specific, I'd say there are two factors at play, which are of course hard for the other person to judge, especially if they're a manager not involved in the task itself:
- If you can reasonably perform the task as expected despite the obstacle, it's probably an excuse. If you can't, it's almost certainly a valid reason.
- If you wanted to perform the task as expected, then something that caused you to not do so is likely a valid reason. If you didn't want to, then you're more likely to be using an excuse.
Of course, it also depends on the priority level of the task. If your sibling asks for a glass of water and you get them a mug because there are no glasses in the cabinet, those stakes are low enough that it's a valid reason even though you could have checked the dishwasher or washed a glass yourself.
"Let me make you feel this way real quick..."
"No reply, just feel!"
It's this. Anyone who asks you a question and then interrupts your reply was either trying to ask a rhetorical question (which is ambiguous for anyone in this scenario, neurodivergent or typical), or is acting in bad faith. You're completely justified in feeling frustrated by it.
That question can be clear by tone, and by level of trust.
I'm a very curious person, so I want to understand what drove a decision (even if it was "I don't know" or "Just seemed like the right answer"), and I want to understand someone's approach to things - there's lots to be learned that way.
But yea, quite often it's a rhetorical, judgmental question.
Reasons are explanations for actions. Eg. "The reason I was late turning in my homework is that I had to got to the hospital".
Excuses are explanations for actions (aka reasons) that are not socially justifiable. Eg. "The reason I was late turning in my homework is that my friends invited me out for drinks".
The hard part is that jackasses will view even valid reasons as excuses, because to them any factors negatively impacting you are not more important than the end result being achieved.
