A chilly, distant demeanor. Is it an asshole that hates you, or is it an introvert that just wants to go home?
Yes
Why not both
Oh, like Mr. Darcy!
Closely related is someone who's just a bit to the point with their responses. I don't mean the "I'm just saying" people; those people are assholes. I mean stuff like when someone skips the pleasantries and dives right into their question or comment. Instead of saying "hi", they'll dive right into saying "I have an issue with X". Or when they see something wrong when reviewing your work, they'll just outright say "this isn't right" without trying to sugarcoat it.
Personally, I like when people do that, particularly from people I know have good intentions. I don't want to waste time doing some "hi, how are you / I'm good, yourself?" sort of handshake when someone has a question for me. And reviews are a constant, daily thing in my job (software dev), so I don't want time wasting flowery language in review comments, nor do I want to waste time typing such up myself.
"I'm just asking questions." Could be a child, could be a moon-landing conspiracy person.
Could be someone who's genuinely trying to understand someone's viewpoint, but it reveals inconsistencies in the other person's logic, so they get irritated.
I'm autistic. This is the story of my life.
Ever since getting into arguments with strangers online stopped being fun for me, I try to be extremely polite to people when I’m asking a probably confrontational question.
On the internet, a good amount of time people asking questions in comments sections are often just trying to show others how much they know about something in the most passive aggressively way possible, so it better to always be extra clear that you’re trying to engage on a healthy discussion.
Eh, if it's coming from an adult who should know better, I wouldn't say it's being misinterpreted as a sign of being an asshole.
E.g. Tucker Carlson is just asking questions so that he can supply his own answers to them, that he doesn't want to suffer the obvious consequences for stating.
I think the big deciding factor is how they're approaching the questions and what the questions are. Like, if someone is "just asking questions" where the questions just so happen to be a common bad faith talking point, yeah, I'm gonna assume they're also acting in bad faith.
Eg, leading questions are a particularly common example here. The amount of lean towards their already-decided viewpoint can vary. They might word their question to be convinced away from their viewpoint as the default ("why isn't the moon landing fake?"), or maybe they'll provide a statement that obviously gives more weight to their side ("the government is so untrustworthy, so how can we trust the moon landing was real?").
But often, they even do word the questions in a perfectly valid way, because they're not trying to get an answer. They're not gonna be convinced and they're trying to get an answer. What they want to do is make someone else mistake being stumped for "this person might be right". Eg, if someone asks you "is the moon landing real?" and you don't actually know how to prove that it's real, that can make you think that perhaps it wasn't real. After all, you can't explain how it is. But that's a fallacy. You not being able to explain it has nothing to do with whether or not it's real. Asking questions is cheap and easy. It takes no time investment compared to answering or understanding an answer. That makes it effective for planting seeds of doubt. And of course, people should think critically, but many folks aren't going to or aren't don't have the time. So they'll retain this low effort seed of doubt and that's it.
Plus of course, searching for these questions, especially leading ones, can get you to fall into conspiracy theory or alt right echo chambers, which will have the leading question included in multiple times and technically is a better match from a pure SEO point of view. Search engines do try and train themselves against the common leading questions, but they often have to do that explicitly. This is actually an area where search engines like DuckDuckGo do worse at. You're more likely to have a leading question in the top results because, again, it really is the most accurate match for that question. Should search engines direct you to the correct results or should they direct you to the results that are most accurate for what you searched for? Nobody really agrees and it'll be criticized either way (personally, I think that correctness is far more important because otherwise the search engines propagates misinformation).
Not being a conversational person.
I don't do small talk very well and I very quickly run put of things to say to someone I don't know so I don't like to just talk rubbish with someone, I prefer to remain quiet and get on with what I am doing.
I don't mean that the person isn't worth talking to or I don't like them, if they need something from me or have a question then I'll galdly answer or help them, but almost everyone takes it as a slight against them when i dont want to engage in idle chit chat and assume I'm an arsehole when I'm really not trying to be.
listen, as someone who needs to be social but isnt, it is ok to let there be awkward silences. it is ok.
it isn't your job to be entertaining. conversation is a 2 way road.
contribute, motherfucker
People don't need to talk to you if they don't want to People are so selfish just let people be some of use are on the spectrum and don't want to be forced into dumb conversations just because you can't be quite for a few hours
As an autistic person I love interacting with people like you.
You'd like Northern Europe.
My trick is earbuds. Even if I'm not listening to anything. Also helps to be living in a country where you're not generally supposed to go talk to strangers
I think we are the same person
It took me way too long to realize when someone asks how my weekend was it's because they want to talk about their weekend
Setting up boundaries.
Massive one. People automatically assume those who have defined areas that others are not allowed to access (ie personal/physical contact, topics of communication, literal areas they restrict in their home, etc) are prudish and being willfully obstinate for unfounded reasons, without considering why these boundaries are set in the first place.
The second you inconvenience someone, they assume you're the problem.
Parking in a handicapped parking spot and having no visible disability.
It's bizarre to me how many people assume that disabilities must be visible. And not just visible, but that it has to be glaringly visible.
You'd think that it'd be well known that visibilities might not be obvious, but nope.
I have an invisible, part-time disability. I used to have a wheelchair and a handicapped hang tag, but I got rid of the tag because it wasn't worth getting hassled everywhere I parked. Thankfully, the medication is helping and I haven't needed the wheelchair in a very long time, but that doesn't mean I won't need it tomorrow.
It's like people want any excuse to be a righteous jackass.
What about parking diagonally across two or three disabled parking spots?
That's being an asshole who might be addicted to tic tac toe.
Being bluntly honest. People who are neurodivergent can struggle with being "politely dishonest" and can tell you what they think in a very blunt manner without meaning to offend.
Not engaging in small talk. Again, people who are neurodivergent tend to prefer talking about things that fascinate them and can have a hard time understanding the point of talking about just whatever.
Struggling with being on time, struggling to focus on someone or something, struggling with eye contact. In general, neurodivergent traits tend to be seen as "asshole behavior" because they are abnormal and don't conform to society. People who aren't normal tend to be viewed as assholes because how dare they inconvenience me by being different.
Source: personal experience as well as listening to the experiences of others. I've been hit with all these things at least once and accused of being an asshole, aloof, and/or self-centered.
I think it's important to bear in mind that some of those things are what neurotypical folks, I guess you could call them, use to convey interest or disinterest. Eye contact is a way to express interest, and helps to show one is intently listening to the speaker. Conversely, frequently glancing away is kind of the body language equivalent of giving short "uh huh" type answers when one is trying to disengage from a conversation.
My point isn't that you should feel bad about struggling with these nuances; I just think it's worth mentioning that some of those negative reactions you may have experienced just has to do with expectations in body language. It's not that someone who's neurodivergent is being an asshole, it's just that they're sending out signals we're otherwise used to interpreting as disinterest, and that is (often) off-putting.
Again, it's not something to feel bad about, it's just communicating on different wavelengths so-to-speak. Sort of like a language/culture difference.
I would agree with you except that I've seen people try to clarify that they're autistic, or ADHD, or bipolar, etc, and explain that it causes them to act in that manner and sometimes, no matter how hard they try, they can't surpress it or "act normal"; only to be told overwhelmingly by the people in the room/thread that they're an asshole and selfish for not trying hard enough.
I do understand that some of those things are used as visual indicators for people to determine how the other is feeling about the current conversation, and maybe it's way more important to people than I realize; but there are way too many people who will tell you that if you can't alter your behavior to be normal, then you're an asshole.
I find that struggling to be on time is fine, actually not being on time is disrespectful of my time. In modern society we have so many options available to make sure we can keep on time. Set up alarms, time how long it takes you to get dressed and out the door, time how long it takes you to get somewhere, set alarms to keep you on time based on what you've actually measured, not what one "feels" is enough time.
Personally I'm more often than not 5+ minutes early; I can always wait a little more before I go in or something, it's often harder to "just get there faster".
BTW; if someone is late because of something outside their control that's fine; just make sure to inform me ASAP.
I think the core trait to look out for is willingness to work around personal issues. With time that might be an openness about your problems, at the very least. Maybe aiming for half an hour earlier, communicating status often and early. Fucking up is human, but not trying your best not to fuck up is a dick move.
Yeah, i can relate. Yesterday i empathized with people doing moral wrong stuff, saying that i can understand their logic. And than was acused that it would be my logic. That irrate me the whole night, but in the end it just was my brutal honesty and a lack of black and white thinking.
But yeah, it hurts when people missread that. I hope you doing good :)
Not to be mistaken for "tough love," the concept that manipulative people will often use to defend their coercive verbal assaults on their targets.
Someone who's assertive (not to be mistaken for someone who thinks they're assertive and really is just an asshole).
Someone offering constructive criticism.
Especially those two put together.
The fact that they have a record.
Look for a pattern, not a single instance. And yet companies and people hold bad decisions of the past against most folks.
Asking a dog owner to use their leash rather than letting their dog walk up to you or your kids.
Refusing to engage.
Saying no and not backing down from it
aka Boundaries.
Too many people can't deal with that, but that's their problem.
Not agreeing to false logic (say, out of pressure to be polite or non-confrontational), especially when the next step would be doing something based on that logic. People sincerely don't understand why deceiving you once like this won't work another time and think it makes you an asshole.
<PUT MOST ND TRAITS HERE>
North Dakota? Non-dairy?
Neuro-Divergent
Reminds of a post a few days ago, that described how people think you're condescending and sit on a high horse, just because you use some fancy words here and there.
Meanwhile I'm just trying to describe something with as much detail as possible, because it's important to convey exactly what I mean.
If you're not being eloquent in your interlocution, then what are you even doing?
Being vague and expecting everyone to know what you mean with a particular acronym. HFAYQT? 🤷♂️
I am often thought of as an asshole because I am not much of a smiler and much of my politeness is perfunctory. I am somewhat reclusive and a loner by nature. I find my time at work having to mask exhausting and overstimulating. That much said, once people get to know me they generally discover that I am passionate and care deeply for people who are suffering or experience discrimination and will fight for them.
Offering a concise answer to questions, without softening language.
The way you can tell the difference between honesty and being an asshole is of they say they just "tell it like it is," they're assholes.
This is a joke, not a rule, but it's based in reality.
My resting bitch face
Honestly? Questions like this one
I turn the question around... people who are clearly liars, deceivers... politicians and businessmen that people line up to vote for with their money or public votes. You really wonder what people think an "asshole" is when you see the kind of politicians that get massive support in a population - to a point people have their photograph on the wall of their workplace or home, put stickers on their cars, etc. to support people that are clearly monstrous. A lot of people do not seem to like to study the crowds of Europe 1930's terrible leaders and just how many lined up to cheer on such persons.
The scientists a person believes also is a huge indicator of who they consider to be an 'asshole'. Just passively listening to people who support denial of climate change, denial of microscopic germs and virus, etc. The enthusiasm that followers to non-factual science seem to be very high, and they draw crowds in ways that fact-based science does not seem to do.
Unrequested advice. Sometimes it is warranted after all.
And some people genuinely want to help, without implying the other person is stupid, weak, incompetent either.
Someone stating their opinion.
Whoa, cool your jets.
Worst is stating an opinion to a group of people that all disagree. It doesn't matter whether you have good arguments or not, what matters most is whether they respect you.
Honesty.
Running for or holding an elected office. Yes, there are plenty of of scumbags in politics, but there are people who run for good reasons.
Brutal honesty
People using "honesty" as a veneer to be brutal aren't the same as people that are genuinely honest.
Honesty? Yes. Brutal honesty? Hell no.
If you don't want to be a twat, you should take at effort at considering how your words will impact a person, and try to take brutality our of it. Not lying, not hiding anything, but being considerate, that's, like, bare minimumIf your trait as the word brutal in it, you're probably an asshole.
It's kind of the qualifying word which makes it arseholey.
Being female ...
This comment doesn't make sense are you asking for signs someones not an ass hole but is misinterpreted as one
What is not a sign
Not a sign that someone is an asshole
But is often misinterpreted as one
What is something people see as assholish behaviour that really isn't
