I'm going to gum your knuckles while you sleep.
I will show you the meaning of vivisection.
I'm going to take you to the basement with a potato peeler and a sack of lemons.
I'm going to make you eat your hair.
Once upon a time I heard a guy scream “I will shit IN you!” and it’s stuck with me ever since.
Dubai oligarchs want to know your position
I will feed you your liquified body parts, staring at the bottom, and working up.
I will fill your colon with cyanoacrylate.
I will give you an enema with the liquified bodies of your family.
I will tickle your family to death in front of you.
I will do all of the above in reverse order.
Like half these are just part of the BJJ experience
Blowjob-job?
I will make you look yourself in the eye without using a mirror
So a selfie camera on a phone then?
I was trying to avoid explicitly saying "I'll make you look yourself in the eye with your other eye" to leave a little something to the reader's imagination. That was my fault. Congratulations, you found a loophole in my wording.
Here's one.
"I'll break half the bones in your body."
Fun fact, half of all bones in the human body are in the hands and feet.
Plus, you get bonus horror from Xeno's paradox. If you break 103, they now have 309 bones, so you only broke a third, requiring you to break more bones and so on and so forth.
It's late and I don't want to do the math or remember how you could solve the paradox, so I'll just ask it case someone's head is less empty than mine right now. Does that number converge assuming we always break an integer amounts of bones? My belly is telling me it does converge because we went from 0% to ⅓ in the first step and we want to land at 50%.
My dad used to threaten he would put our head in between two ears when we were really young.
If you say it quickly and harshly enough, it sounds kinda menacing.
I will own your fingernails.
I will rat king your left shoes.
I will place your skull in my xylophone.
My personal favorite is "I will walk through you"
I will measure the total length of all the nerves in your body
that's gonna be more painful for you
I will extracts your nerves and use your them to hang you.
I will call your mother and teach her to surveil your search history!
I will take away your healthcare.
I will take away your job.
I will take away your children.
I'll take away your children's protection from preventable diseases.
I'll ruin your children's education by firing most of the oversight and hiring an unqualified person to run the department of education.
I'll cause the things you need to buy to widely fluctuate in price due to tarrifs or the threat of tarrifs.
I'll undermine the government so much they can't get rid of me or my cohorts.
And also I'll boil your teeth. That was a fun one too.
I'll twist your tiddies
Don't threaten me with a good time!.
I will pay the tooth fairy to put other people's teeth in your mouth
You have a gift, my friend.
I will invert your ribcage
The vikings called that the blood eagle, it wasn't so much unsettling, more like horrifying. (we don't know if it was real or just stories)
"I will feed you broken teeth"
Gonna put tacks in your cereal, in 2 years
I'll sew your asshole shut and keep feedn ya and feedn ya - Method Man
Thankfully they explained this wasn't an exhaustive list, I thought these were all the possible unsettling threats in the English language.
I will stir the sedimenter.
I tried squeezing my kneecaps. It tickled
