The four horsemen of the dogpocalypse.

I grew up with blue ketchup on the shelves at the market. There are bagels that come in rainbow color. Ever heard of Lester's Fixins? They'll sell you soda thar tastes of buffalo wings. I come from a reality where nothing is off the table.

And then some joker comes along and makes up fake shit that doesn't even raise my eyebrows... I believed this was real with no reservations. How's that supposed to make me feel?

You forgot hot dog flavored candy corn.
- Thank you so much, I felt like I was being made fun of for a minute there.
Proud to be an American! 😎🇺🇲🦅
- Where at least I know I'm free 🎵
  
  Unless you're poor, or black or gay, or trans or disabled or need healthcare-

This is why Americans are the only people not allowed to make fun of British food.

There's British food now?
- British TV leads me to believe their diet is entirely doner kebobs, indian food, fried fish, and the most expertly crafted baked goods an oven in a tent can produce.
- Since food is just what you eat, anything can be food even though it is utterly disgusting
I counter with American Chili, Barbeque, and Corn Bread. I would give you Maryland Crab but I'm busy eating it.
- MD crabs are soooooo good. I've eaten a dozen every Friday all summer.

The Freedom Frank is War, Hallowiener is Death, Mtn Dew is Pestilence and Baja Blast is Famine.

It'd be so easy to make veg dogs look like this. Literally just put different veg in it, boom, different colors.

But no, gotta dye the tube of pig buttholes.

They don't actually use pig assholes in hot dogs.

They use the chuckle.

That Baja Blast one provoked a physical gag reflex in me.

So original flavor dew dogs are ok?
- I think it's physiological response to that teal color in food. There are lots of green foods that are ok to eat, so the immediate revulsion wasn't as strong.
  
  But yeah, that Baja Blast teal is something you only see in nature on mold.
Have you tried Sweet Lightning? It's a KFC exclusive flavor that hasn't escaped containment the way Baja Blast escaped Tace Bell.
- I have not, but I can't remember the last time I was in a KFC. Is it any good?
I really want to try it.

Whimsical, colorful tubes of mashed eyelids and pussy lips!

It's kind of nice that they have stopped trying to hide the fact that this is an atrocity against animals and are just leaning into it. I guess.

It's photoshopped

is this real?

No, it's the same image photoshopped four times
- My god. An actual regular photoshop in the year of our lord 2024 🥲
- Not gonna lie, this image actually had me completely fooled.

Four dogmen?
Horsedogs?

Dew Dogs are the bomb. For some fucking reason my mom never buys me the baja blast ones. Whenever I invite a girl into my mom's basement for an Arch Linux playdate (which doesn't happen that often for some reason), it always gets ruined because the best I have are Dew Dogs original.

I don't how how women know all I have are the original flavor because they usually make an excuse to leave 0.2 seconds after showing them my cumsock collection.

/s (I forgot where I was going with this)