The problem is that step parents have zero legal rights. If the marriage or relationship doesn’t work out, the step parent loses their entire family forever. It’s a raw deal for people brave enough to raise someone else’s kids. I could only ever consider this if I were able to legally adopt. That way, heaven forbid, things don’t work out with the relationship, they’re still my kids.
On the bright side, you have the exact say on the kids you raise when they aren't yours. If they are biological, you are stuck with whatever hand you are given. So if you don't like their kids, you can leave with no issues. A family you choose can be better than a family you are born into.
Although yes, childless is the better option for some of us.
First off great title. Secondly, does anyone else read the first letter of each line to make sure that don't get John cenad or some stupid bullshit too?
I know it’s a modern thing to wait many years before marriage, but living with someone for a year is plenty of time to know who they are as a person. Most people need to shit or get off the pot at that point but they don’t because apathy is easier.
Yep we were only living together for about a year indeed before I asked my wife to marry me. But we were also nearly 30 when we met, I think if you're younger then waiting longer is better.
I'm only going to say that bluntly, the only reason why myself and a few of my friends in long term relationships aren't married, essentially boils down to two things: #1. Getting married is expensive. We're all millennials and most of us are just trying to pay bills. #2. After you've crossed the threshold of "common law" here, there isn't much of a point. Most common law partnerships have the same benefits with few exceptions. The legal/financial benefits of being married are almost entirely covered by being common law, so for the most part getting married is more about the statement of being married (eg, "this is my wife/husband" type thing, though, several unmarried people I know use those terms anyways), and having a wedding to show off or whatever.
The people in my circles tend to value people who stick around out of desire to help eachother than from some vow or perceived obligation because you're married or whatever. We see family the same way, if you're a toxic person and you expect me to put up with your shit because we share more chromosomes than I do with the rest of the population, than you're in for a rude awakening. The strongest bonds I have, are from facing the perils of life, standing along side my friends. We may not be blood relatives, but we're family; these friends have been a better family to me and I to them than their biological brothers/sisters/mothers/fathers.
Bluntly, I don't see how a legal document could make what we already have any better than it already is. That being said, there are some very specific legal benefits in my country to being married vs common law. Because of that, I will eventually sign the paperwork. My SO and I will likely just get it signed at city Hall and throw a big party/reception after.
It's not just about who you are. Modern life is full of instability, but most relevant here I think is future plans. It might make sense to be together today but career paths, opportunities, desire to live near family or friends, things that we want, can all change with time. This is especially true for young people today, with the unprecedented income inequality and expense of basic housing. When you're just trying to get your feet under you it's hard to imagine getting married, and you don't know if you'll still want the same things in a few years. It's not apathy, it's pragmatism.
Once women hit 30 or so they've known their share of shitheads and losers and most just want a decent guy if they're single. From what I hear the dating landscape for women at 40+ is absolutely bleak.
My Facebook is a graveyard of single 30 something friends who dumped dozens of great guys because they didn’t tick every box on a 100 item checklist. Now they’re panicking because their clock is ticking and no one wants them because they’re shallow and desperate. A few have settled but it’s clear they’re both miserable. No one wants to feel like the 76th best option.
Ya, my wife's best friend is over 40 and her standards for a guy are like the bare minimum of being an acceptable person. Its sad because she is One of the most beautiful, intelligent, and kind women I've ever met.
Hope you don't get too attached to kids that aren't yours anon. You have no custody or parental rights and are one big fight away from having them exit your life. Or like, the return of the original Chad who decided to get cleaned up and even years later, you know she'll forgive the father of her children.
Being a substitute dad is a huge mistake, but i guess someone's gotta do it. I certainly wouldn't.
Also no obligations. He can get divorced and not have to worry about paying child support.
Or he can choose to adopt them, which would grant those custody and paternal rights.
Would you be looking at this differently if the children weren't hers? If she had no kids, Anon was shooting blanks, and they just decided to go to an orphanage and adopt?
It's not about what you're obligated to, it's about the emotional attachment to children that won't necessarily remain in your life.
As for adoption, you try that with a person you've known for a year or less, see how that works out for you. But yes, if they agree, then sure, i think adoption is fair.
What is not fair is having someone responsible for and bonding with your kids, regardless of gender, and never giving them parenrsl rights.
If they adopted kids it would be their kids, so no issue.