Momentum
Momentum
I did it. I came out to everyone that matters. No one has cut me off or thrown me out. The process took about 6 months longer than I thought it would, but we are here, on the other side of that long tunnel. But instead of flying out of the other side, speeding my way towards a full transition, I'm maybe two steps further transitioned than I was six months ago. No momentum.
And oh boy am I tired. Long talks with good friends, debating theology with my pastor, answering questions, calming fears, it's a lot of social energy.
Can I just stop being trans for one bloody moment? I need a breather. But no, that's not an option, the dysphoria is not abated. So onward I press, taking the hard path, the good path, the slow path. I can be a Christian and trans. I can keep my support network and transition. I don't have to lose my wife and kids, we can make this work.
But
it's
so
slow
.
I've been transitioning as slowly as possible for 30 years, but I'm ready to drop my masc and make a mad dash to the other side. I'm ready to throw out the guy clothes, take E, get an orchi, laser my face. I know different people experience womanhood differently, but I feel like I haven't gotten to experience it all, despite leaning hard on that GNC wall for all my masc years. And so I don't ask people to call me Amber, she/her, because I don't feel like I deserve it. Once I'm over there, then I'll ask. Once I malefail. But this mindset is holding me back. Insisting on maintaining all my relationships and support network is holding me back. My wife working her way through her own theology and gender issues is holding me back. And I can't lose those, so I limp along, dragging the shattered remains of my masc alongside me.
I thought for sure that putting myself out there would free me to go be myself, that I would be zooming, but instead I'm still plodding along, just now with extra scrutiny.
Last night I dreamed I was a kid, and instead of hiding and building a masc, I was demanding to be myself. Little dream me was so sure of herself, so ready to fight everyone who would tell her she couldn't be who she really was. I could use her energy right now, and her willingness to fight for herself.
Last night I dreamed I was a kid, and instead of hiding and building a masc, I was demanding to be myself. Little dream me was so sure of herself, so ready to fight everyone who would tell her she couldn’t be who she really was. I could use her energy right now, and her willingness to fight for herself.
Speaking from experience, this isn't how being a trans kid works. I wish it was. The trans kid experience is more like this: you have absolutely no control over your body or your life, you have no money, no experience, and nowhere to go. All that energy gets sucked out of you as you realize there is absolutely nothing you can do as dysphoria eats you alive. If you don't have support from your family you are completely screwed until you become an adult. This isn't to say transitioning early in life isn't great, but to say that it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Becoming an adult morphs these things into problems you can actually control (at least somewhat).
Yeah that was my experience, crying myself to sleep as I could feel the testosterone poisoning my body. Not having the words to say what's going on. Not knowing what would happen even if I could figure out what to say, but knowing it wouldn't be good.
Little dream Amber was aspirational, though.
The feeling of dying a little inside when your voice changes and everyone wants to compliment it 😐
I dont know if its helpful but you are closer than you've ever been and incredibly brave to do what you've done so far.
I'm not a Christian but I go to church and have for a while. I recently came out to my church as well. It was a long time coming and I built up to that moment by transitioning in every other way that I could so that it wouldn't be as much of a surprise. My pastor was supportive from the moment that I came out. I sent out a coming out letter to the whole church and got a lot of support. For reference, I live in the rural deep south. My church is a united Methodist church.
I highly recommend that you look around for different churches if this one isn't fitting or you don't feel accepted. Just go to a different one for a Sunday or two and see how the vibe is and how it makes you feel. I have heard that Episcopalians, united Methodists, united church of Christ, and Lutherans are affirming, but a lot of times it will depend on each individual church to what degree.
Another option is to visit a Unitarian Universalist church. Although it is not an explicitly christian church, they are welcoming of Christians and it's kind of a "everyone has their own religious beliefs but we all believe in kindness, helping others, and respect towards each other" deal. They are explicitly affirming and one of the most progressive churches.
Also, if money allows please consider getting couple's therapy with your wife. There are plenty of faith based and non faith based ones out there who can help y'all work through things.
Hey congrats! I'm probably going to do the same tomorrow.
I found going ahead with the scary things I wanted to do very empowering, especially enforcing name/pronouns and who I am. It was awkward at first, but I'm getting used to it, and I don't miss the little sting of the old ones constantly knocking down my self esteem.
More general advice: figure out what's causing you to feel that way and change it. If it's talking about certain things, try not to get into those conversations; it it's hearing your deadname, try to get others to respect your name. Trying to be fine with the current situation when you're not is a losing battle, and that doesn't make you "weak" or any of that BS some people will say.
Also note, you can be doing all you can and it still takes a while for it to feel natural and easy, for you to be able to drop your guard and feel like you. I'm still going through that, but every month is an improvement as my comfort and confidence grows. Goof luck, Amber! ❤️