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ProbabalyAmber @lemmy.blahaj.zone
Posts 2
Comments 18
What's the story of your name?
  • When I was a kid my first puppy love crush was on a Sunday school teacher named Amber. And the name stuck with me. I met a second Amber in highschool and she was pure gender envy. I've used it online for my "pretend I'm a girl online" name many times, and if I had daughters instead of sons there's a possibility one of them would have ended up with the name. But a couple people have started calling me Amber to my face and it's the best thing ever.

  • She
  • Well, sometimes my oldest calls me Mom, just accidentally/out of habit, and it doesn't feel any better than Dad. So I don't think my dysphoria requires Mom, and it'll be easier for the kiddos as they won't have to adapt. We've been trying to chip at the gender norms and see what fits and what doesn't, as the wife and I are working this out. She/her/husband/dad might be where we end up so everyone can feel comfortable about where we are as a family.

  • She
  • Yeah, my brother is one of the pastors at our church, and I came out to him on Easter, so this conversation has already started. I don't know if I'll be able to keep my church, I'm afraid I'll have to find a place that doesn't assume they have all the answers. But a "long and painful journey" has been my life so far, and both my wife and I are determined to make this work. This is progress, we are headed in the right direction, in the same direction. Feels good.

  • She

    So my wife and I have been trying to work through the practicality of me coming out. She's been having trouble perceiving me as female, which, like, I still have a beard, so I get it. She's bi, but also believes that homosexuality is a sin, so she's been trying to work though what we would look like. I've been trying to break apart the rigid gender roles a bit, and told her last night that I don't mind our kids calling me "dad" even if I go full fem, I have no problem with she/her/dad. Like, I'm the sperm donor, not the one who carried them for nine months. She thought that was great and asked about husband, because she really would rather have a husband than a wife. I told her that I'd really prefer wife, as husband is rather ick for me, so we are still working on that point.

    Long preamble, sorry, but this morning as we were telling each other about our dreams last night and our visions for the future, she said "I envision myself in the future with my husband, and she's beautiful"

    I think that's the first time I've been gendered correctly by my wife, and it feels so good. I think we are going to make it. I'm going to have my kayak and heat it too. I'll be able to transition without losing those closest to me. My vision of the future has never looked so bright, growing into old ladies together and showing people with our lives that "Queer Christians" is not an oxymoron.

    13
    How was your week? [07]
  • I was going to come out during the super bowl party my sister was holding, because a quorum of my family was going to be there. Next opportunity is an Easter party my sister is holding, which is in one week from today. So I'm excited/nervous/trying to figure out what I'm going to say.

  • How do you feel about where you are in your transition right now?
  • I'm way further along than I ever thought I'd get. The laser hair removal and the finastride are both working great to add/remove hair where needed. My bald spot has tiny little hairs growing! I have a small selection of women's clothing, and I love them, but fuck women's pockets. I guess I need a purse? Also ordered a gaff, should help me feel more confident in my girl jeans.

    On the other hand, I'm missing some foundations. I was planning on coming out socially to my family during a superb owl party, but then everyone got sick and it was cancelled. I need to find another time where we can just chill over a beer and go over everything. Maybe someday after church? Because I'm missing my social foundation, I can't drop the masc. Which means I can't shave and laser my face (wearing the same distinctive beard for years means there will be questions if it goes away). Which means I can't learn makeup. So feeling a tiny bit stuck until I can come out.

    Also, the wife likes how happy presenting more fem makes me, but still thinks that her being with a woman is a sin and is suppressing her bi side. The current compromise is no estrogen for me. Again, this is much further than I ever thought I'd get, so I'm taking it in stride and doing what I can with what I have.

    Continuing goals: voice train, lose weight, increase fem wardrobe. New goals: come out, destroy beard, learn makeup Pipe dream: convince the wife that estrogen is the bestrogen, slowly grow into old ladies together, and convince the world that "Queer Christian" isn't an oxymoron.

  • Uncorking
  • Thanks for the girl talk. That helps a ton. I especially like the idea of wearing what I normally wear, but girl. I'll look into some pants, blouses, and sweaters cut for ladies, and see about a bra and maybe some falsies. After that I'll have to bite the bullet and get some makeup and look in the mirror. I've always known what I am, so I've leaned pretty hard into the GNC, so I've already been painting my nails for a while, and it does give such gender euphoria.

    I've been using a little laser I bought on Amazon for the last couple of weeks, I think it's working. Afraid to point it at my face, so I might get that done professionally. Got myself prescriptions for hair loss, we'll see what happens there.

    I got a sugar scrub, is that a good skincare routine? I honestly know nothing about that.

    I have one friend who calls me Amber, I'm still kinda closeted to everyone else. I was planning on coming out to my family at the super bowl party at my sister's house, but we got sick.

    HRT is... So I'm married, my wife and I have kids. I'm tied down. I've been open and honest about all this with the wife (eventually) and she's let me know where she is. The current compromise is that I can go full femboy, she has no moral issue with that. She draws the line at HRT. We are Christians, but I'm definitely more liberal and egalitarian than she is, I kinda have to be to exist at all as a trans Christian. I see nothing wrong with being in a homosexual relationships, she does. She's bi, and maybe agender, but feels she has to suppress it. We're working through it. Every time I mention this online, people are like "break up with her!" and the answer to that is no. We truly love each other and are going to make this work. I knew when I got married in a conservative church that I would probably never get to transition, I made that choice and I'm going to stick with her. Going "full femboy," as she put it, is further than I ever thought I'd get to go, and I'm going to take full advantage of that. I'm hoping that when she sees how happy every step of this journey is making me, she'll eventually call me by my real name and be ok with HRT. We'll see, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

  • Uncorking

    I've been closeted for like 30 years. How tf do I let it out? I'm ready to come out, tell people, finally go live my life, but all I know is the mask. Who is this scared little girl that's hiding in here? How do I go be myself when I don't know who that is? I feel naked and exposed without my masc.

    Go experiment? I'm still in that "man in a dress" stage, not sure if I'm going to be able to get HRT, so even looking at myself in the mirror is horrible. I'm trying to lose weight and I'm doing the laser hair removal thing, and those feel great, but

    I feel like I missed my life, missed learning how to girl, and now I'm expected to woman? Can I please get some girlhood real quick so I can figure out how to woman? I want to go through the emo phase and the punk phase and maybe dabble in goth, I want to be cringe, I want to have a sleepover with the girls and do each other's hair and makeup so we can practice.

    There's so many things that are gendered. I wore my belt "backward"s today, because I was always taught the "correct" boys way to do it. I feel like I'm drowning in the shallow end of the gender pool.

    If I'm going to do makeup I'm going to have to look at myself in the mirror. If I'm going to do my hair I'm going to have to do something about the balding. If I'm going to change my wardrobe, do I do that now or wait until I lose these 10 kilos?

    I pulled the cork and... I guess I thought I was gonna get a genie wish and wake up the next day as a girl. Instead I have to transition, and probably without any HRT. I guess this is the hard part.

    Sorry for the ramble, even verbalizing these thoughts, this sentence, is hard. I'm so practiced at keeping it all in that even though it's happening, I don't know how to let it all out.

    11
    What finally cracked your egg?
  • My egg came pre-cracked. I've always had a mind-body disconnect, preferred Polly Pocket to Hot Wheels, and had an eye for women's fashion. When puberty hit, I knew it was the wrong one and hated every second of it. But this was before I knew the word transgender, before it was recognized as a treatable medical condition. And I allowed myself to be told by my church that this was a bad thing and in no way should I ever come out, and I should live the American Dream instead.

    The thing that caused me to actually make a move, though, was crippling dysphoria. The crushing weight of it, built up over decades and with no release valve, made me come out to my wife, who was way more supportive than I expected, and slowly I'm getting to express femininity. Coming out this weekend to my family, the future never looked so bright.

  • How're things going emotionally, socially, and legally with your transition?
  • It's a Superb Owl Party. This Sunday at 6:30 PM Eastern time. Eating wings and cheering for the red team.

    My wife and I are going to make it, I wasn't expecting to get to transition ever, so her being ok with me going all the way to femboy is a great start and huge strides in a new direction. We are talking through this like adults, we love each other, and we are determined to make this work.

    Thanks for the affirmation, most people seem to think that LGBT and Christianity should be at war with each other, so being both is a whole different challenge.

  • How're things going emotionally, socially, and legally with your transition?
  • Legally, haven't started. Not super important to me, it's pretty far down the dysphoria tier list.

    Physically, (I know you didn't ask but I care) I realized that body hair and balding were the main triggers for my dysphoria, so after talking to my wife about it, I got a prescription for finastride and a laser hair removal thingy. Using those the last week or so has been super gender affirming (and itchy).

    Emotionally, this has been really hard on my wife. She doesn't perform gender, and the only connection she feels to her gender is her sex, so she feels that her womanhood is threatened by me fully coming out. If I am a woman because I feel like a woman, then what does that make her, when she doesn't have a specific attachment to her gender? The newest compromise is that I can be as fem as I want, but I'm still her husband, not her wife. I'm trying to tell her that if she wants to be a woman, even in a "don't let go of what I have" way, that's totally valid, but if she just drops the gender completely and goes they/them or xe/xer, that's also totally valid. We are going to make this work somehow.

    Socially, my sister is throwing a little superb owl party this weekend, so most of my family (and no one else) will be at this party, so it's time to rip the 30 year old bandaid off and come out. Since I'm still in negotiations with the wife, it'll be phrased "struggling with gender dysphoria and being more fem helps so much" instead of a full "My name is Amber, please refer to me with she/her pronouns." I'm expecting a lot of acceptance and questions.

    Spiritually (I know you didn't ask but I care) I found a verse that is very specifically trans affirming. No idea how I missed it every time I read Isaiah. ‭‭"For thus says the Lord: “To the eunuchs who keep My Sabbaths, And choose what pleases Me, And hold fast My covenant, Even to them I will give in My house And within My walls a place and a name Better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name That shall not be cut off." Isaiah‬ ‭56:4‭-‬5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬. I've been trying to find a way to reconcile my faith with my gender identity forever, so reframing eunuchs as trans people and then doing a study has brought me much peace. My wife is still struggling to reconcile being bi with her faith. She didn't have to worry about it as she could just marry a guy and ignore the bi, but she did the most bi thing possible and married a closeted transfem, so now she has to confront it. It's a process, we'll see where we end up.

    Sorry this is long winded, but your question gave me the framework needed to actually put everything down into words, so thank you for that.

  • this is one of my only communities on this app not related to art lol. but mood update and check. hru all?
  • I wouldn't feel guilty about not caring about a high-profile death. People you've never heard of die every minute, and we aren't equipped with enough empathy to care about them all.

    I'm... hanging in there. The overlap between the Christian and Trans communities is nearly non-existent, and both are blaming the other for all the world's problems, so being both is really fucking hard right now. My pastor just recently went out of his way to make sure we understood that LGBT=bad and I feel like I should complain but don't know how to do so without outing myself. I wish I could transition without losing everyone I know and love, and have found myself passively pushing away from old relationships. I've been looking into other churches but finding a place that is actually accepting and actually teaches the Bible feels just as impossible as transitioning right now.

  • rule