The fine art of writing a resume

Per ChatGPT, our Lord and bullshitter:

Implemented an innovative and multifaceted luminary maintenance solution, entailing the strategic identification and procurement of an eco-friendly, energy-efficient illumination source. Executed a seamless integration process, ensuring optimal alignment with environmental sustainability goals. Proficiently navigated the intricate terrain of electrical systems, demonstrating a keen acumen for precision in the meticulous replacement of the incandescent element.

As a hiring manager, I see right through this bullshit, it has grown entirely too tedious at this point and it never goes past that initial review. Brevity and pointed accomplishments are so refreshingly rare, they get top billing. Consistently.
- You say that, yet most hiring managers won't look at non embellished resumes as studies and even interviews have shown
  
  It's good that you are more keen on genuine resumes- it saves effort and precious time on both ends- but unfortunately most aren't
- These are the ones trying to be honest who don't know what you want. The liars already know to keep it simple, just how you like it.
- Ah but the question is what does the AI filtering software prefer that looks at everyone's resume before it ever reaches the hiring manager? Just making it to an actual human is a major hurdle these days.
- I dunno, I tried being honest and genuine and it felt like I was trying to sell fish bottles of water.
- Agreed. That bullshit should be in the cover letter.
  
  The resume should be clear, clean, and concise.

I'm not writing a fanfic just to get hired by your god damn company.

Then you might be either lucky or currently homeless.

if you want to say that you told someone else to change a light bulb you could write:

oversaw the rapid deployment of a new environmental illumination system in accordance with all existing industry health and safety regulations.

Ah but you could use that wording anyway to leave it ambiguous because you technically oversaw the work by performing it single-handedly with no external oversight
You were a team leader

Bold of you to assume I had zero safety incidents...

Adapted to changing conditions, recovered from unexpected downtime
F

Over the weekends, I demonstrated adeptness in the strategic incorporation of vaporized botanicals for cognitive enhancement, complemented by the consummate management of nutritional intake through artisan-crafted, tuber-derived consumables.

Sorry, we need someone with expertise in dairy based frozen desserts.
Absolute class craft consumables only hahaha

That's obviously a misleading resume.

He must have used both hands.

Zero safety incidents

No one's gonna believe that, gotta make it at least a little realistic

I mean, how badly can you fuck up changing a lightbulb?
- If you happen to be uninstalling an old light that has mercury or whatever toxic things are in it you could poison yourself if you break it.
- Don't get me started on those stupid ass "open architecture" or whatever the fuck they call it with lightbulbs on a celing 40 fucking feet above a flight of stairs...

Provided leadership and experience guiding me employees through a complex project. Also created a technical manual covering the implementation for the next team.

guiding me employees

Arrr drink up me hearties yo ho

What if I had help tho?

Then you write "lead team in managing" whatever

Image Transcription: Twitter Posts

consigliere, @moyodre

How would you write "I changed a light bulb" on your resume?

M, @MuyiwaSaka

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.