I hate my hair. What hair cut should I get today?

Most men reach a point in their life when their hair loses the fight against gravity. There are two choices: accept reality, grab a trimmer and pick something between 12mm and full-Picard, or try to haggle with nature and experiment with Leisure suit Larry/crazy bus driver/hobo looks. I'd suggest the first, as an extra bonus you'll save a lot of time and money on haircuts, too

As a full-picard-haver this one has my vote. Shaved it one day and never looked back.
I can't go full picard right now, but I could buzz it and thought I'd try it. Not sure if I like it or not. It look any better? Go full picard? Abort and hide my shame with length?
- I think it looks good! Perhaps not amazing but it doesn't stand out - just looks like a regular dude haircut. You can also let it grow a little and see at which point you start being unhappy with the length.
- I'll be honest - anything a hair trimmer can do (<2cm at best, likely less) will be better than the current state. The only one who is worried about your hair loss is you, just own it and go with it
- You're not balding enough to go cue ball, just do what you have but shorter
The Viking is an option too, especially if you can grow a beard...
I like your references sir.

Just get rid of it and own it.

I can't go full picard right now, but I could buzz it and thought I'd try it. Not sure if I like it or not. It look any better? Go full picard? Abort and hide my shame with length?
- This looks so much better already
- Better but go to a barber who will trim your eyebrows a bit and you're all good
Man I didn't think it was that bad, but so far we are 3/3.

But I guess since I don't even like it, it makes sense no one else does! I don't exactly take care of it since I see it as an annoyance XD
- At least take it shorter. I get gaps where the fringe doesn't quite cover the receding hairline, but they're less noticeable when it's short. For me that's about an inch. A longer fringe like yours seems like it's a statement, so if you don't like it you probably don't like the statement it's making to others either!
- It's not about the style, it's that you're trying to hide hairloss
  
  No one cares if it happens, but when you try to do a combover to hide it, that makes you look insecure. Which is what people do tend to care about. The only thing people will think when they see your current gaircut is "that guy's hiding a bald spot".
  
  Just buzz the rest of it and it won't even stick out to someone.
- Another option:

Maybe something with a short fade on the sides? It's just kinda hanging there in some places like it's lost the will to live. Shorter looks clean for one and for two you won't look like you're just letting it go.

Try a little mohawk. Bright blue or neon purple.

They look super greasy no? How long ago did you wash them for that pic OP? Maybe it looks better when they're lighter and non glossy

I think it's probably the super bright light I have right by where that picture was taken.

But either way, it's all gone anyway!

Cue ball

Cut it all to 2-3mm. To maintain, you only need a hair trimmer. I haven’t been to a hair professional for over 20 years now… no regrets.

I can't go full picard right now, but I could buzz it and thought I'd try it. Not sure if I like it or not. It look any better? Go full picard? Abort and hide my shame with length?

Buzz cut is super easy to maintain and deal with in the morning. You can even learn to cut it yourself. Maybe not ideal if you're a woman.

I can't go full picard right now, but I could buzz it and thought I'd try it. Not sure if I like it or not. It look any better? Go full picard? Abort and hide my shame with length?

A wig is also a good option if you're balding. Just shave it all off and put on a wig. No one will know

Maybe get a hat, then you dont need to decide now and could have more options later from longer hair (i dont know any real hair styles and cant really judge). From the picture it seems like you like turtles so you could get a green bowie (i hope i spelled it right) and draw a smile on the front as the head and maybe some legs on the sides

Sorry for not answering your question
you could too try some colors with i think there are chalk colors, they are more expensive but are good for quickly testing it out

Grow it longer and see what happens. Try straight back, or side swept from the part and short on one side. Look up "viking" hair styles as a reference. Would also work with a beard.

Definitely bald.