How do I stop getting mad about things that happened a long time ago?
How do I stop getting mad about things that happened a long time ago?
I'm sorry if this is the wrong community for this, my problem is prob more from BPD or some other mental illness I have than directly autism, though depression and anxiety are common in autistic people. I posted in a BPD community but it's pretty dead, I hope this isn't too off topic for here, I just really need some advice on this and Idk who to ask besides my therapist.
My intrusive thoughts and mental state in general are a lot better now that I've had therapy and antidepressants for a few years, but one issue I still really struggle with is revisiting times when someone hurt me, intentionally or not, even if it's a resolved situation I'm not still mad about, and getting mad about it again.
Below are two examples, you don't need to read them but it might help explain my problem.
I did this a few months ago and drove away my fiance over a small mess she made in my place. She made it as a trauma response, we had a wonderful conversation about it after and I wasn't upset at her at all. But I managed to make it a huge deal in my head later, and since she'd said before she wants me to clean my space better or let her help clean, I thought she was a hypocritical asshole. I verbally abused her over text and made an ultimatum, saying she had to apologize for it or I wouldn't talk to her anymore. She left, blocked me on everything, and the engagement is off. We exchanged letters recently, and at least maybe we can still be friends again some day.
A more recent example is with my dad. I was trying to quit cigarettes and take a break from weed, so I asked him to hold onto my ID so I wouldn't be tempted to get any since I'm kinda addicted and can't control myself when I can get a fix. We went out and about for a doctor's appointment next to a dispensary, and I was gonna be super proud of myself for not having gotten anything there. But my dad thought I might wanna get some weed, so he brought my ID. While he was getting weed, I spent 15 minutes wailing and trying to resist getting stuff, but I caved and got weed and cigs. I still feel really ashamed about my lack of self control, and I think that event really fucked with my mindset about quitting and made it a lot harder to try again. I don't want to be mad at him, and I've already talked to him about it, but I'm trying to quit again, and I already struggle a lot more with intrusive thoughts like that while sober, but I'm having a really hard time not protecting my shame onto him. I don't want to talk to him about it again, i think he already feels really guilty for sabotaging my quit and I don't want to drag that back up.
Talking to the people I'm mad at about it can make me less upset, but I can't just bring up old shit like that every time my brain makes me upset about it. With my fiance I should've just talked to her about how I felt and we could've worked through it together, but that isn't the solution to most things like this, esp when they're already resolved issues.
Tl;Dr I sometimes dredge up old memories of others hurting me and make myself upset about them again, and I really need a healthy way to deal with them other than just bottling it up or talking to them about it every time
K, this is what worked for me, so take or leave it as you see fit.
My brain did similar things, and just like water will take the path of least resistance, so did my brain ... over and over and over again. So I decided that I'd had enough of the bs circle of death and would train my brain to go a different path.
Every time I recognized the nagging thought was there yet again, I forced my brain away from it, ie: thought of something good I'd done, or that someone had done for me, or what groceries I need to buy, etc etc. Anything to break my brain's habit.
Now it isn't easy, and especially when I was tired or cranky it wouldn't work well. But I kept at it anyway, and forgave myself when it didn't work.
Took a couple of years (I was in my late 40s) but it took. Now I'm able to divert my brain at least 99% of the time, but I only need to do that once in a while because that old path is not as easy for my brain to find anymore.
Anyway, I hope you can find something that works for you, and you can get the nasty thoughts stopped (or eased at least). Good luck!
Make the people in your head behave the way they should. They have no agency in your head. It's happening in your head so everything "they" are doing is something you are making them do. "Sorry I was so dumb and wrong, now here's a five paragraph essay on why you were right".
It's exactly as hallucinatory as running the upsetting scenario multiple times. The first time in real life wasn't a hallucination; all subsequent iterations were. So you may as well hallucinate in a way that's less bothersome.
This carries a risk for people who refuse to acknowledge faults and weaknesses of their own. So, try not to give yourself credit you don't deserve.
Imagining you're a movie director and they have to do what you say may bypass some objections to don't this, but that's just an extra layer you don't need
If there's something that needs to be resolved then you might need to handle it differently but this is magic for pure habit busting.
Hows your sleep?
(I was unfairly assuming this person was a troll or something so I accused them of it and was a dick about it. They weren't, I'm just really sensitive rn)
Is this someone who’s following you around? Because if your response is just to this comment, I think you’re reading something into it that’s not fair. That’s okay, literally everyone here gets over sensitive sometimes, but you should probably take a little break and see if you feel better after a shower or walk or something.
I was wondering the same thing about you honestly/initially but it was also at the back of my mind I might have tapped a nerve unintentionally...
I don't know if this is worth anything to you, just know you're not alone in your struggle. I get it too. I constantly agonize over how to just let things go, even the old scars. I think I cope with it best by accepting the human nature of it. Any creature reacting to negative stimulus with enough memory to remember the event would do the same. I was hurt, monkey no like hurt, think about how to prevent hurt. loop for x times. Many factors can multiply x. We get some bonus multipliers from the neurodivergence, sure, but It's normal enough for Disney to make a song out of the feeling afterall. You're doing well to control your substances, I'd benefit from the same. Take care stranger.
Personally, and only because you mentioned it, I'll just say that avoiding weed as much as possible makes this issue much more manageable for me.
Full disclosure: I often ignore my own advice.
I'm in therapy as well.
Have you covered CBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? If so and those thing didn't work to your satisfaction, have you tried EMDR?
I occasionally pull up CBT worksheets online, they're easy to look for, when I'm having intrusive thoughts. I find them helpful with changing my point of view, particularly the ones with visualization. I recommend this as a low-barrier way for anyone to deal with spiraling.
DBT programs are helpful for people with BPD. They're long term so you can build healthier thought patterns over a period of time. Since it takes a while to build habits. If you have a doctor or therapist already, or a local mental health initiative, they might have programs available to join. Where I live they're free.
EMDR in therapy was very effective for me in reworking deep-rooted memories of shame and self-hate. Unfortunately that requires having a therapist you already have a good relationship with, and you might have to pay.