Geeze they could just use AI to write something. I did one attempt and it follows.
In an unusual turn of events, local resident Alan Walletson has been dubbed the "Prepared Romantic" for his unique approach to serendipity. Sporting a wallet that's more like a treasure trove, Alan proudly reveals his secret weapon: a discreet squit of lube tucked between credit cards and receipts. Friends say he's just ensuring that if luck strikes, he's ready to slip and slide into romance with unmatched preparedness. Stay slick, Alan!