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- www.thebeaverton.com Supreme Court rules Trump can and probably should shoot someone on 5th Avenue
WASHINGTON D.C. - In a 6-3 ruling, the United States Supreme Court ruled that former President Donald Trump not only has full immunity from prosecution for any gun murders he might commit, but that he definitely should do so.
- newsthump.com Man who posted deliberately offensive thing on social media can’t understand why people are offended
A man on the Internet who posted a thing designed to antagonise is surprised that it’s upset a few people.
- www.theonion.com Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Trips
WASHINGTON—Admitting that he had never been more conflicted about a ruling in his life, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly torn Monday over a case in which both sides offered compelling scuba trips. “While there’s a strong historical precedent for a lavish excursion to Bali, the pl...
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Local retiree wants to be US President when he grows up
chaser.com.au Local retiree wants to be US President when he grows up – The ChaserAdorably, little Jimmy has already begun practicing for the job by dressing up in suits and mumbling incoherent thoughts about how he is the bestest person ever.
- www.theonion.com Analysts: Biden Can Negate Debate Performance By Pulling Train With Chain Clenched Between Teeth
WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a disastrous night that left Democrats reeling over their candidate for the 2024 election, political analysts confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden could negate his debate performance by pulling a train with a chain clenched between his teeth. “Our post-debate poll...
- www.theonion.com Trump Boys Break Into CNN Office Attempting To Steal Debate Answers
ATLANTA—Checking in at the building’s visitor desk under the singular name “Janitor,” the Trump boys reportedly broke into an office at CNN headquarters Thursday, attempting to steal the debate answers for their father. “All we gotta do is find Mr. Tapper’s office and steal the answer key,” said Don...
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‘Balanced’ journalist pushes politician’s lie to prove they don’t have a ‘pro-fact’ bias
chaser.com.au ‘Balanced’ journalist pushes politician’s lie to prove they don’t have a ‘pro-fact’ bias – The Chaser"Why would anyone ever think that a politician would be anything other than completely honest and upfront?"
- thehardtimes.net Rob Zombie Admits He Only Makes Movies Because He Ran Out of Horror Soundbites To Use In His Music
Occasional musician and filmmaker Rob Zombie admitted that his foray into the cinematic arts was driven by a lack of fresh horror sound bites for his music.
- thebeaverton.com Supreme Court issues token reasonable ruling
WASHINGTON, DC ―As part of their ongoing mission to fool ridiculously gullible centrists into thinking that their rulings are rooted in respectable legal theory and not right-wing dogma, the Supreme Court recently issued its token semi-reasonable ruling.
- www.theonion.com Tourist Immediately Breaks 34 Sacred Local Customs While Deboarding Airplane
TOKYO—In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American tourist Max Deacon is said to have immediately broken 34 sacred local customs Tuesday while disembarking from his plane in Tokyo. Deacon, who somehow had no idea he was being offensive...
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Ms. Rachel Trades Her Overalls for a Cardigan as She Takes Over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
In a surprising twist that has sent shockwaves through the educational television community, beloved children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel has officially taken over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. The first order of business? Retiring the iconic overalls for a collection of cozy cardigans that would make your grandma jealous.
The announcement was made during a special episode where Ms. Rachel serenaded the audience with a heartwarming rendition of “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” leaving millions of toddlers confused and nostalgic adults thrilled.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
- www.theonion.com Researchers Train Mice To Choose Between Life-Saving Medications And Other Essentials
BALTIMORE, MD—Calling the trial a huge breakthrough in behavioral science, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Tuesday they had trained mice to choose between life-saving medications and other essentials. “In this first-of-its-kind experiment, we were able to successfully teach rodents...
- thehardtimes.net Instagram Apologizes for Bug That Briefly Allowed Users’ Posts to be Viewed by Their Followers
Instagram’s PR team apologized recently after a glitch temporarily restored the app to something resembling what it used to be when a user’s posts were consistently viewed by their followers.
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The Ten Commandments Are Trump’s Favorite of All the Commandments
www.nytimes.com Opinion | The Ten Commandments Are Trump’s Favorite of All the CommandmentsImagining what comes next in the Republican effort to spread the Christian word.
Almost fooled me, but I think it's satire.Link is paywall free but here's an archive link anyway.
- hard-drive.net Nobel Prize to Be Awarded to Forum User From 9 Years Ago With Same Niche Problem
STOCKHOLM — An internet hero was finally awarded for their work this week as the Swedish Academy has announced they will be giving the Nobel…
- www.thebeaverton.com Wealthy Canadians announce BMW X3 convoy to protest capital gains tax hike
OTTAWA – Wealthy Canadians have begun a ‘Freegains convoy’ to Ottawa in their BMW X3s in protest of the government’s plan to raise the inclusion rate on annual capital gains in excess of $250,000.00 dollars. “Not since the city of Toronto tried to build affordable housing in Rosedale has our communi...
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“Are There Other Fairies Like The Tooth Fairy That Pay Money For Human Body Parts?” Asks Child to Shocked Mom
6-year-old Mark Buffet has posed a question that has left his mother, Nancy Buffet, both bewildered and concerned: “Mom, are there any other fairies like the Tooth Fairy that pay money for human body parts?”
The question reportedly arose yesterday morning after Mark found $5 under his pillow in exchange for his latest lost tooth, sparking an entrepreneurial curiosity about the potential fortune he could make if something like the appendix fairy exists.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
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America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign
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Just reviving this classic since it feels incredibly relevant.
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Man who calls women "females" hopes to one day be allowed within 500 meters of one
chaser.com.au Man who calls women "females" hopes to one day be allowed within 500 meters of one – The ChaserWomen can reportedly still smell his Lynx Africa even from that distance
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I turned the Click hole diversity video into a series of gifs
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- newsthump.com Free speech enthusiast now up to three boycotts a week
A man who is a staunch believer in free speech after spending the last four years bemoaning cancel culture, is now up to three boycotts a week because of things people said.
A man who is a staunch believer in free speech after spending the last four years bemoaning cancel culture, is now up to three boycotts a week because of people saying things he didn’t like.
- thehardtimes.net Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes Private
Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple sources reported.
- www.thebeaverton.com House of Commons takes action to ensure foreign state interference stops getting in way of domestic corporate interference
"Canada is not for sale to foreign governments. Canada is now, and has always been, for sale to mining companies, agricultural conglomerates, and the American hedge funds who own most of our news media.”
>“Prime Minister Trudeau and I don’t agree on much, but we do agree that Canada is not for sale to foreign governments,” opposition leader Pierre Poilievre said. “Canada is now, and has always been, for sale to mining companies, agricultural conglomerates, and the American hedge funds who own most of our news media.”
- thehardtimes.net Texas to Celebrate 25th Anniversary of “The Green Mile” by Executing 25 Innocent People
Government officials in Texas announced their state will pay homage to the iconic film “The Green Mile” on the 25th anniversary of its release by executing 25 completely innocent people.
- www.theonion.com Tesla Announces Plan To Add Up-Skirt Cameras On All Vehicles
AUSTIN, TX—Crediting himself for the electric vehicle company’s latest innovation, CEO Elon Musk announced a plan Friday to add up-skirt cameras on all new Tesla vehicles. “There will be one interior camera mounted near the brake pedal in addition to several external up-skirt cameras to capture foot...
- reductress.com Study Finds Midnight Is Perfect Time for Cat to Do 14 Laps of Room Really Fast
A new study out of Yale University that will certainly have ramifications for felines across the globe confirms that midnight is the perfect time for your cat to do 14 laps of your bedroom really, really fast, especially if you are asleep. “It’s important for a domestic cat to get a certain
- thehardtimes.net Guy Who Hates Taylor Swift Finally Hears One of Her Songs
Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music since the Spice Girls.”
- newsthump.com ‘Our housekeeper only worked two days a week’, Rishi Sunak outlines a childhood filled with hardship
Rishi Sunak has sought to endear himself to the voting public by explaining that, just like you, he had to go without things as a child.
- newsthump.com Hunter Biden withdraws from Presidential race following felony conviction
Joe Biden’s son Hunter has officially withdrawn from the race to become President of the United States following his felony conviction for gun offences.
Joe Biden’s son Hunter has officially withdrawn from the race to become President of the United States following his felony conviction for gun offences.
Many right-wing commentators have long speculated what a felony conviction for Hunter Biden could mean for the political prospects of the Biden family, and Hunter has spoken publicly to put an end to all such speculation.
He told reporters, “Although I plan to appeal, I respect the judicial processes in the country, and the rule of law, and as such, I think it would bring shame on this great nation to have a convicted felon running for President – which is why today I announce that I have no intention of running for President, or any office for that matter.
“It would make a mockery of our democracy if I were to try and become President having just been judged to be a felon by a jury of my peers. How would we look on the world stage? I would have zero credibility outside of my own crazy supporters. That is no way to lead a nation.
“No, that can not happen – and I don’t care if this puts an end to my own personal political ambitions, I must do what is right for this country. And that means reluctantly stepping away from frontline politics.
“My father, of course, will continue his career in politics, because he’s not a felon, and only ill-informed imbeciles will blame him for the actions of his son.”
“Remember to vote in November!”
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“You Got This” Assures Father Who Doesn’t Know How To Help with His Son’s Algebra Homework
In a scene not too uncommon in today’s world, local dad Alan Devlin reassured his high school son, Keith, with an enthusiastic “You got this!” to cover for having absolutely no idea how to help him with his Algebra homework.
Keith, a sophomore at Quadratic High, initially welcomed his dad’s encouragement. “At first, I thought he was just trying to boost my confidence,” Keith said. "But then I realized he had absolutely no clue what he was talking about when he started using phrases like “x equals whatever you want it to be” and “Try dividing by zero.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
- thehardtimes.net Guy Envious of Coworker Too Stupid to Have His Soul Crushed By Company
George Quinn, a quality control operator for local gas cap manufacturer Babaco, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a coworker who is simply too stupid to have every ounce of happiness in his life crushed by their employer, several grouchy sources report.
- www.theonion.com Congress Passes Opioid Crisis Legislation After Addict Cousin Steals Their Xbox
WASHINGTON—Calling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. “Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusi...
- www.theonion.com Grandfather’s Eyes Light Up While Describing Memories Of Old Country Buffet
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Describing the serene smile that spread across the 87-year-old’s face, sources reported that local grandfather Murray Lowe’s eyes lit up Wednesday as he recalled his halcyon days as a regular at his town’s Old Country Buffet. “There was a sparkle in his eyes as he talked of al...
- clickhole.com 6 Signs The Exterminator You Hired Is On The Bugs’ Side
If you’re a homeowner, nothing is more unsettling than a bug infestation. But the anxieties of having thousands of creepy crawlies living in your walls…
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Harrowing: Listen To These People Talk About The First Time They Ran Out Of Radishes - YouTube
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