A contractor working on Elon Musk's new Texas mega-mansion revealed that every book on the billionaire's shelf was just a false lever that reveals a katana room.

Israeli Defense Force First Sergeant Yosef Shochet admitted that he is suffering from terrible nightmares portraying happy, active children playing in the streets of Gaza following the announcement of a ceasefire.

LOS ANGELES—Saying such individuals posed a threat to the safety and security of all city residents, the Los Angeles Police Department announced Thursday that it had arrested everyone who lost their home in the ongoing wildfires. “In the interest of maintaining public order, I have instructed my off...

Women's News. Feminized.

The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70% faster.

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

A man’s smoke alarm is constantly reminding him of his utter incompetence in the kitchen.

PALM BEACH, FL—Noticing everyone else’s phone simultaneously buzzing throughout a meeting, Vice President-elect JD Vance began to suspect there was another group chat among Trump’s senior staff that he wasn’t part of, sources confirmed Monday. “It can’t be a coincidence that they all keep looking do...

WASHINGTON—Revealing a steep decline in the populace’s knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. “The ability to recite from memory the names of each of the nation’...

MINNEAPOLIS—After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. “While Target used to have a loyal customer base that would leave the store laden with everything from cosmeti...

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has legally changed his name to ‘Elon’ after announcing Meta would be ditching fact-checkers and replacing them with community notes similar to X. Zuckerberg, who a…

WASHINGTON—Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny Friday. “With this one-cent coin, we honor John Wilkes Booth, a man who, while not perfect, altered the course of our nation in indelible...

Independent thinker and free spirit Bodun Haze became mysteriously defensive when conversation at a house party shifted away from his latest yoga retreat and towards how exactly he financed his lifestyle.

Git History Reveals Midnight Copy-Paste from uBlock Origin

Judge Juan Merchan made a second high-profile ruling earlier today when he gave 17-year-old Shawn Thomas, tried as an adult, life in prison without the possibility of parole after the teenager was found guilty of making hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.

WASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons…

WASHINGTON—Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter’s ceremony. “I’m way deader than he is,” mumbled Trump, who lay at the opposite end of the National Cathedral a...

TORONTO — Despite not being able to afford to go to therapy, local depressed man Patrick Cole’s friends have confirmed he’s been in better spirits…

ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.

Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, medical pioneer who received the world's first experimental rat penis transplant, announced today that the social media juggernaut would stop fact checking.

Women's News. Feminized.

SALISBURY, MD—Emphasizing that it was an integral part of the company’s mission to raise humanely sourced meat, poultry processing giant Perdue Farms announced a new initiative Tuesday to even the playing field by giving guns to chickens. “At Perdue, we always strive to ensure animals are treated wi...

Supermarkets have announced it is Easter this morning, ending the run of Christmas which began in October.

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand’s legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company’s products. “When parents shared with us their conce...

EUGENE, OR—Arriving back at work after a two-week winter vacation, local marketing assistant Matthew Bueso told reporters Monday he was happy to return to the office with a fresh and rejuvenated loathing for his job. “It’s always nice to get away for a few weeks, clear my head, and come back invigor...

MINNEAPOLIS—Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. “Good luck getting back in shape, idiots—you’ll never figure out how to use all these pulleys,” said fitness director Kyle Ca...