JACKSONVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the role of self-perception in human psychology, a new study published Monday by the Mayo Clinic found that smacking one’s own head while yelling “Stupid, stupid, stupid” could be an early sign of low self-esteem. “While previous generations saw the act of batt...

NEW YORK—Pleading with the individual to think rationally, onlookers reportedly urged suicidal jumper Harrison Zwillet to leap from a higher floor Wednesday. “No! Please! Go higher!” called out just one good Samaritan from the ground below, doing her best to deter the distressed stranger from jumpi...

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways to force President Biden to stay in the presidential race.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Addressing supporters at his latest rally, former President Donald Trump vowed over the weekend to unite the nation against the common enemy of other Americans. “We must come together to defeat the scourge that is our fellow Americans,” said the Republican presidential nominee, who ...

WASHINGTON—Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was ‘really, really, really happy’ for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee’s hand and refused to let go o...

WASHINGTON—Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. “What the hell happened to h...

Donald Trump has cut short a Florida golf trip to urgently assemble a short-list of misogynistic and racist slurs for likely Presidential candidate Kamala Harris.

WASHINGTON—In a significant setback for the already-reeling Democratic Party, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly turned down the presidential nomination today in order to take a job on an Alaskan fishing vessel. “It’s a nice offer, but I already lined up this whole seasonal fishing gig out of A...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. “I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a gre...

WASHINGTON DC — In a move that has shocked employees around the world, Joe Biden announced today that he would be stepping out of the presidential race, making it the first time in recorded history that an ageing boomer has ever retired in order to let a younger person take their job. “Folks, I’ve h...

Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software self-destructed because they were forced to livestream Kid Rock’s RNC performance.

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

MANSFIELD, OH—Selecting responses that did not accurately reflect his personality and were instead intended solely to influence the test’s outcome, local man Paul Acevedo, 32, blatantly gamed an entertainment website’s “Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?” quiz Friday in order to be equated t...

New information about Matthew Crooks, the 20-year-old registered Republican who made a failed attempt to kill former President Trump, shows his family immigrated to America illegally nearly two centuries ago.

Americans everywhere took a brief pause from threatening to kill each other online to share that they believe Ingrid Andress should have been sober during her performance of the National Anthem Monday night.

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump recently selected Ohio Sen. J.D. Vance as his running mate. The Onion takes a look at the author and venture capitalist’s background and political stances.

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

MILWAUKEE—Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. “My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good...

WASHINGTON—In response to the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump at a rally in Pennsylvania over the weekend, Congress moved quickly to pass legislation Monday that bans the civilian use of roofs. “As our country continues to reel from this horrific event, we in Congress have t...

BUTLER, PA—Groggy and bleary-eyed as he returned to consciousness, a terrified Donald Trump Jr. reportedly awoke in an ice-filled tub Monday to discover he was missing an ear. “Hello? Is anyone here?” said the 46-year-old son of the former president of the United States, stumbling over the side of t...

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

PENNSYLVANIA — An Imperial Stormtrooper was seen fleeing the scene after Donald Trump was rushed off stage during a rally in Pennsylvania. Trump was in…

A new study has stunned the entertainment world after it revealed that not everything needs a f**king podcast.

A man has today insisted that the Nazis were socialists, because it was their chosen name, despite insisting that self-identification is a ‘cancer on society’.

There has been widespread condemnation for Russia’s attack on a Kyiv hospital after sources revealed that it contained not a single Palestinian.

LAKELAND, FL—In what the evangelical congregation hailed as a significant step forward for its security capabilities, local megachurch Lakeland Liberty Fellowship confirmed Tuesday it had conducted a successful test of a nuclear missile. “Today’s detonation of a 50-kiloton thermonuclear device s...

ATLANTA — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, was reportedly still hammering buttons on an unplugged controller that he…

You can’t say anything these days unless it’s woke, according to a man who spends about eight hours every day freely expressing opinions that could in no way be described as ‘woke…

SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming they didn’t have anything like it back home, tourist Greg Foskey told reporters during his trip to California this week that he was excited to try one of those vegetables he’d heard so much about. “Whenever you mention California, people always bring up the vegetables, and I ...