Tattletale Times @lemmy.world Your go-to source for hilarious satire news on the chaotic world of parenting. TattletaleTimes.com Follow on Twitter, Insta, & Facebook
Unfortunately, those mismatched socks led her into a spiral of drugs, alcohol, prostitution, grand theft, larceny, homosexuality, and general mischief.
I swear i heard this line in DARE but referring to marijuana
podiatric fashion responsibility
that's great, i should add this to the article somewhere
that's a great line i should have had in the article. the more i think about it, a homosocksual would have 2 of the same socks. mismatching socks would technically be a heterosoxual.
I Don’t Care My Kid Has Mismatched Socks and You Shouldn’t Either
As a mother, I often face unrealistic expectations and judgments from others regarding my parenting choices. However, there is one thing I absolutely refuse to worry about: matching my kids’ socks. I don’t give a sock, and you shouldn’t either.
I am well aware that some people may view mismatched socks as sloppy or lazy. Well, guess what? Keep your opinions to yourself, Karen. I don’t criticize your crippling Xanax addiction or your outdated Capri pants. Where’s the flood, Karen?
Just the other day, a father at preschool drop-off had the audacity to comment on my child’s socks. Oh, wow, Mr. Sock Gestapo, congratulations on your heroic mission to police the world of socks. Maybe you should report me to the Sock Police for a “sock wellness check.” And while you’re at it, go home to your wife, Kyle, instead of cheating on her.
Read the rest of this satire news article and more at TattletaleTimes.com
yeah for sure, it's on the long list of DIY home improvements that I'll get to someday. thanks for reading!
I wrote bonfire from personal experience! our house has a built-in firepit when we moved in and it doesn't have a brick ring around so if we have a big enough fire it kills the grass around it. Someone in the comment section mentioned water balloons which is a good one i missed when writing this.
What a neighborly thing to do, sue your neighbors for kids being kids. My 5 year old got 5 stitches in his eyebrow a few weeks ago at a friend's house. Kids do stupid shit, that's just the way it is!
Spotted a hard-working mama opossum at my kid's school
I was interested why I saw her during the day. I googled it and sounds like they sometimes need to stay up during the day to care for and feed their babies. Sounds a lot like humans with newborns.
Apparently, babies of all species keep their mamas' awake!
i like the idea of the crochet ones. sent that to my crocheting wife to give it a shot, thanks!
5 Summer Activities Sure to Ruin Your Lawn
5 Summer Activities Sure to Ruin Your Lawn Summer is here, and that means one thing: it’s time to watch in horror as your lawn turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Why fight it? Embrace the inevitable chaos with these five activities guaranteed to obliterate that golf course-caliber lawn you’ve been working years on. You might as well lay down wood chips and call it a day, because those little savages will destroy it by fall one way or another.
1. Slip and Slide Ah, the slip and slide – the classic summer activity that promises fun, laughter, and a lawn that looks like it hosted a mud-wrestling tournament. After a few hours of kids hurling themselves down a plastic sheet at breakneck speed, your once-lush grass will be nothing more than a distant memory. The combination of water and trampling is sure to create a muddy disaster zone. Just remember, mud is nature’s way of saying, “You never really liked grass that much anyway.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
5 Summer Activities Sure to Ruin Your Lawn
5 Summer Activities Sure to Ruin Your Lawn Summer is here, and that means one thing: it’s time to watch in horror as your lawn turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Why fight it? Embrace the inevitable chaos with these five activities guaranteed to obliterate that golf course-caliber lawn you’ve been working years on. You might as well lay down wood chips and call it a day, because those little savages will destroy it by fall one way or another.
1. Slip and Slide Ah, the slip and slide – the classic summer activity that promises fun, laughter, and a lawn that looks like it hosted a mud-wrestling tournament. After a few hours of kids hurling themselves down a plastic sheet at breakneck speed, your once-lush grass will be nothing more than a distant memory. The combination of water and trampling is sure to create a muddy disaster zone. Just remember, mud is nature’s way of saying, “You never really liked grass that much anyway.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
oo gotcha I saw that around but haven't seen it. I have 2 little ones as well so we'll check it out together. Also, gotta love Bill Burr.
ya the article idea isn't anything unique as i'm sure nearly everyone has made the connection between drones and helicopter parents but hopefully the contents of my article are unique and funny!
New Helicopter Parent Drone Takes Overbearing Parenting to New Heights
This week, a groundbreaking advancement in drone technology has overbearing parents nationwide sighing in relief and children hiding in terror. Drone manufacturer HoverHawk released their latest product: the Helicopter Parent, a drone designed to provide around-the-clock, relentless supervision of your soon to be traumatized children.
The Helicopter Parent, a sleek black quadcopter, comes equipped with the latest in surveillance technology, including 4K cameras, facial recognition, and a megaphone for issuing real-time scoldings from your smartphone.
The new drone can hover silently or employ a “gentle hum” setting for those who prefer a more constant, oppressive presence, also features thermal imaging for night-time monitoring and a proximity alert system that sounds an alarm if a child steps outside a designated area, such as their front yard, school, or out of arm’s reach of a parent.
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
New Helicopter Parent Drone Takes Overbearing Parenting to New Heights
This week, a groundbreaking advancement in drone technology has overbearing parents nationwide sighing in relief and children hiding in terror. Drone manufacturer HoverHawk released their latest product: the Helicopter Parent, a drone designed to provide around-the-clock, relentless supervision of your soon to be traumatized children.
The Helicopter Parent, a sleek black quadcopter, comes equipped with the latest in surveillance technology, including 4K cameras, facial recognition, and a megaphone for issuing real-time scoldings from your smartphone.
The new drone can hover silently or employ a “gentle hum” setting for those who prefer a more constant, oppressive presence, also features thermal imaging for night-time monitoring and a proximity alert system that sounds an alarm if a child steps outside a designated area, such as their front yard, school, or out of arm’s reach of a parent.
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
Local Mother Enrolls Son in Brutal Israeli Martial Art of Krav Maga
In a bold move that is set to send shockwaves through their upper-middle-class suburban community, local mother Karen Slawson has made the decision to enroll her son, Timmy, in Krav Maga classes.
“Krav Maga is a gruesome martial art developed by the Israeli Defense Force, known for its no-holds-barred approach to self-defense,” explained Tal Golan, a local Krav Maga instructor. “It’s an ideal martial art to teach young children because if they happen to cause severe harm to a classmate, their age protects them from being tried as adults.”
Karen elaborated on her decision, stating, “Krav Maga’s uncompromising brutality is precisely what Timmy needs to assert himself during recess at Edina Elementary. I don’t care if Timmy has to knee groins, punch throats, or gouge eyes. My son is no longer messing around.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
“Stop or I’ll Say Stop Again!” Yells Mom Known for Empty Threats
In a suburban home strikingly similar to every other house on the block, local mom Karen Patterson has reportedly issued her 487th consecutive threat that she will undoubtedly not follow through. Witnesses report that it’s not just her two children that know the local mom is full of empty threats, the whole school knows.
“I mean it this time, I will count to three and if you don’t clean up your toys, there will be consequences,” Patterson lied with a conviction that was immediately called into question by both her children and even the family’s misbehaved beagle. Counting to three, which has been a staple in the Patterson household, frequently ends with Karen giving up and scrolling through Instagram on her phone.
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Bored Family Dog Has Not Been to the Dog Park Since Baby Was Born
After seven long months of exile from his beloved dog park, a Golden Retriever named Bark Twain, has expressed his grievances, saying that while baby food scraps are a decent consolation, they are “nowhere close to sniffing 14 butts in a row.”
Bark Twain, 5, a previously pampered canine, enjoyed a pre-baby life filled with Frisbee catches, belly rubs, and almost daily visits to the local dog park. That all changed when the Twain family introduced a tiny, squealing human named Max into the household.
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Ms. Rachel Trades Her Overalls for a Cardigan as She Takes Over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
In a surprising twist that has sent shockwaves through the educational television community, beloved children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel has officially taken over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. The first order of business? Retiring the iconic overalls for a collection of cozy cardigans that would make your grandma jealous.
The announcement was made during a special episode where Ms. Rachel serenaded the audience with a heartwarming rendition of “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” leaving millions of toddlers confused and nostalgic adults thrilled.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
Ms. Rachel Trades Her Overalls for a Cardigan as She Takes Over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
In a surprising twist that has sent shockwaves through the educational television community, beloved children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel has officially taken over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. The first order of business? Retiring the iconic overalls for a collection of cozy cardigans that would make your grandma jealous.
The announcement was made during a special episode where Ms. Rachel serenaded the audience with a heartwarming rendition of “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” leaving millions of toddlers confused and nostalgic adults thrilled.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
Woman Contemplates Whether Neighbor is Organizing a Yard Sale or Undergoing a Hoarding Intervention
Nosey local woman, Sofia Snoopington, spent the better part of Saturday morning staring out of her living room window, pondering the profound question that she assumes the whole neighborhood is wondering: Is Shelby Stashmore next door having a yard sale, or has her family intervened with a hoarding intervention?
“I mean, the signs are all there,” Snoopington pondered, a half-empty, bedazzled Shelby cup of coffee in hand as she squinted at the eclectic collection of items strewn across Shelby Stashmore’s lawn. “But is it really a yard sale, or is this just her loved ones attempting to Marie Kondo her life in one chaotic event?”
Read the rest of the hilarious satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
“Are There Other Fairies Like The Tooth Fairy That Pay Money For Human Body Parts?” Asks Child to Shocked Mom
6-year-old Mark Buffet has posed a question that has left his mother, Nancy Buffet, both bewildered and concerned: “Mom, are there any other fairies like the Tooth Fairy that pay money for human body parts?”
The question reportedly arose yesterday morning after Mark found $5 under his pillow in exchange for his latest lost tooth, sparking an entrepreneurial curiosity about the potential fortune he could make if something like the appendix fairy exists.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
“Are There Other Fairies Like The Tooth Fairy That Pay Money For Human Body Parts?” Asks Child to Shocked Mom
6-year-old Mark Buffet has posed a question that has left his mother, Nancy Buffet, both bewildered and concerned: “Mom, are there any other fairies like the Tooth Fairy that pay money for human body parts?”
The question reportedly arose yesterday morning after Mark found $5 under his pillow in exchange for his latest lost tooth, sparking an entrepreneurial curiosity about the potential fortune he could make if something like the appendix fairy exists.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
Local Angler Unimpressed by Son’s Tiny Catch
In local news, a man’s reaction to his six-year-old son’s excitement over catching a six-inch bluegill has raised eyebrows in the community. Despite the child’s genuine joy and enthusiasm at reeling in his first catch, the father expressed disappointment, considering it a “pathetic” accomplishment.
Sources close to the situation reported that the father muttered, “Big deal, anyone can catch a bluegill. They’re practically brain-dead and will bite anything you throw at them, even a bare hook. It’s not like he caught a trophy bass or anything worth bragging about.”
Read the rest of the hilarious satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
“You Got This” Assures Father Who Doesn’t Know How To Help with His Son’s Algebra Homework
In a scene not too uncommon in today’s world, local dad Alan Devlin reassured his high school son, Keith, with an enthusiastic “You got this!” to cover for having absolutely no idea how to help him with his Algebra homework.
Keith, a sophomore at Quadratic High, initially welcomed his dad’s encouragement. “At first, I thought he was just trying to boost my confidence,” Keith said. "But then I realized he had absolutely no clue what he was talking about when he started using phrases like “x equals whatever you want it to be” and “Try dividing by zero.”
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“Big Trophy” Receives Huge Win in the Push to Sell Participation Trophies
In a remarkable victory for the shadowy cabal of trophy manufacturers known as “Big Trophy,” an alleged child psychologist with questionable credentials has emerged in support of the practice of awarding participation trophies to all youth sports athletes, irrespective of their performance.
The conspiracy theory, which has long circulated among parents and coaches, alleges that trophy manufacturers conspire to generate demand for their products by promoting the idea that every child deserves a trophy merely for showing up. However, until now, no credible evidence has surfaced to substantiate these claims.
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Enfamil Develops Tranquilizing Baby Formula with Help from Large Animal Veterinarians
In an unprecedented move in the infant care industry, Enfamil, a leading infant formula manufacturer, has just announced the release of their latest innovation: Enfamil PM, a revolutionary baby formula that boasts military-grade animal tranquilizers to ensure babies sleep for a questionably unhealthy 18 hours straight! Welcome to a new era of parenting, where your infant will outsleep your cat.
“We understand the struggles that new parents face when trying to get a good night’s sleep,” said Enfamil’s CEO, Sandy Snoozeman, in a press conference. “That’s why we’ve taken inspiration from large animal veterinarians to develop Enfamil PM”
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Mom Driven Insane by Blippi Screams ‘So Much to Learn About, Makes You Wanna Shout. Shoot Me!’
In what can only be described as a desperate cry for help, local mother of two, Karen Torrance, has reached the breaking point after enduring her 32nd consecutive Blippi video. Blippi, the beloved children’s YouTube sensation and his stupid orange and blue beret, has all but broken parents throughout the world.
Sources close to the family reveal that the tipping point came during yet another rendition of the “Excavator Song,” when Torrance grabbed her son’s iPad and threw it like a frisbee against the wall and screamed “So much to learn about, makes you wanna shout. Shoot me!”
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"You Got This" Ensures Father Who Doesn't Know How To Help with His Son's Algebra Homework
In a scene not too uncommon in today’s world, local dad Alan Devlin reassured his high school son, Keith, with an enthusiastic "You got this!" to cover for having absolutely no idea how to help him with his Algebra homework.
Keith, a sophomore at Quadratic High, initially welcomed his dad's encouragement. "At first, I thought he was just trying to boost my confidence," Keith said. "But then I realized he had absolutely no clue what he was talking about when he started using phrases like “x equals whatever you want it to be” and “Try dividing by zero.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com