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Anarchist, autistic, engineer, and Certified Professional Life-Regretter. I mosty comment bricks of text with footnotes, so don't be alarmed if you get one. > You posted something really worrying, are you okay?

No, but I'm not at risk of self-harm. I'm just waiting on the good times now.

Alt account of [email protected]. Also if you're reading this, it means that you can totally get around the limitations for display names and bio length by editing the JSON of your exported profile directly. Lol.

Posts 12
Comments 530
perfect fit rule
  • Me trying to hang out with literally anyone including people I've known my entire life

  • Are you a good big brother?
  • I try to be, but I'm probably not close enough to my siblings (or anyone for that matter). I just don't want them to get sucked into the miserable void of despair that is my personal life.

  • What are you hoping to see happen in the future?
  • Quantum computing becoming practical for ordinary people.

  • Go ahead
  • {L | L is a library}

  • Who care
  • If my employer forces me to use that specific software, then I care. Thankfully I'm unemployed.

  • Anyone else still mad about (USian) Independence Day?
  • Okay that's fair. Sorry, this just really bothered me and everything just spilled out.

    Okay, so I'm cishet and I have two siblings, one nonbinary (they/he) and the other a trans woman (she/her). We had Independence Day dinner with our (conservative) parents and after dinner, the three of us (me + siblings) discussed life for a couple hours after my parents went away.

    It amazed me just how much of their (my siblings') lives and time is dedicated to warding off transphobes and dealing with their bullshit and its ramifications. We really couldn't talk about anything else; everything always circled back to fending off transphobes, including my parents and grandmother.

    And it hurts so much to see my parents praising the people (Republicans loudly and Democrats quietly; both use the government while in power), celebrating the founding of the institution that wants to kill their children, destroy our world, rob humanity of all our resources...

    I hope this makes things a little clearer.

  • Fellas of Lemmy, what's your Every Day Carry (EDC)?
  • I'm not sure, but I don't have trouble carrying it. It's so big because sometimes I have to bring in projects and/or test equipment.

  • Fellas of Lemmy, what's your Every Day Carry (EDC)?
  • When not in school:

    • Phone with wallet case
    • Keys
    • Wireless headphones

    When in school: all the above plus:

    • Yorepek 50L backpack (everything else goes in here)
    • Laptop (notes, actual work) (Debian w/ KDE Plasma)
    • Laptop charger
    • Grandma's laptop from 15 years ago that runs like dog shit (backup, also Debian, can still access my repos and load web pages, decoy if robbed)
    • Tablet (books)
    • Voltmeter (yes all the time)
    • Blank computer paper and pencils (derivations)
    • Guitar picks (Dunlop Gator Grip 2.0mm; for playing death metal, but also makes for a great tool)

    Wireless headphones get extra priority because they allow me to control what I hear. For example, instead of getting sensory overload (I'm autistic) at the supermarket, I can replace it with death metal, which is better for some reason.

  • History is written by the victors
  • Just because you're personally tired of hearing about it doesn't mean it's wrong

  • American Pride Remains Near Record Low
  • Historically it should be obvious that "America" is much more evil than good for the vast majority of people who have come in contact with it. This is no less true in modern times.

    no where on Earth is good.

    If by "no where on Earth is good" you mean "no country on Earth is good" then literally yes, that's like my thesis as a human lol. If the only thing you take away from my entire existence is "all states are bad" then I can die happy.

  • American Pride Remains Near Record Low
  • But it was never ever good to begin with. America has always been the label of a colonial project.

  • American Pride Remains Near Record Low
  • Please take pride in where you live, and I will take pride in where I live, and we can show off our homes to each other.

    They are not taking pride in their local environment or even their fellow citizens. Pride in America is pride for the system that bears that name, the system of oppression, genocide, war, and death so that its masters can live in luxury. And that system is fucking disgusting.

    Giving an extra fuck about the place where you live helps combat things going to shit through the tragedy of the commons.

    In fact, pride for America requires putting America's system first before the environment and its citizens it claims to represent. It is antithetical to "giving an extra fuck about" anything other than the evil machine that America represents.

  • American Pride Remains Near Record Low
  • 67% combined share of Americans who are extremely or very proud [to be American]

    That's WAY too fucking high

  • What generation are you?
  • End of Millennial or first of Gen-Z, although I feel a lot more like Gen-Z.

  • What are the major world news that you got from weird sources (and maybe wish you had heard first from legit news sources)?
  • I live in an area that got "smoked" during the Canadian wildfires last July. I found out by reading about it on Lemmy. Only then did I look out the window and realize that it wasn't sunset. I'm such a shut-in that I found out about the event I was in the middle of by reading about it on the internet.

  • What are some good ways to find musician friends?
  • Back on R*ddit, I actually managed to connect with a few R*dditors (under a different username tho) through the /r/BedroomBands sub. Looks like it's still active. As far as I'm aware, we don't have anything like that on Lemmy yet.

    From my experience in music, drummers are always in demand, especially if you can record your kit, even badly; real kit with sample replacement always beats an electric kit, which itself beats programmed drums. (And programming drums from scratch is so boring, speaking from experience.) So I think you'll find people very quickly if you mention it.

    As far as my music chops go, I play guitar and bass, mainly metal, but I'm really more of a producer. Unfortunately, I had to stop taking clients from R*ddit because I had to focus on school. Now I'm living with my grandmother and parents so I can't really do music stuff without headphones, so I'm kinda out of commission for a while.

    ps - I'm pretty socially anxious and autistic, so making friends takes me extra effort and time.

    Me too. It took me months to build up the courage to make my first post. But it was one of the best things I ever did, and I miss that part of my life dearly.

  • How do I deal with people not reading things?

    I'm autistic. This problem shows up for me all over the place, to the point that I typically don't recommend reading anymore except when strictly necessary. However, it is showing up now because I'm working with people on a project (and generally everyone I have worked with at school so far) who will not read, particularly documentation for tools and programs, data sheets, and application notes. How do I get people "up to speed" if they refuse to read the things I send them?

    Some concepts are simply too complex or too lengthy for me to explain correctly in a real conversation. It's really the fact that nobody seems to want to read in any field of endeavor suggests that it's something wrong with me and how I perceive things.


    Fit for an Autopsy - The Man That I Was Not The Man That I Was Not

    Provided to YouTube by Nuclear Blast The Man That I Was Not · Fit For An Autopsy · Will Putney · Will Putney Oh What the Future Holds ℗ Nuclear Blast Released on: 2022-01-14 Auto-generated by YouTube.

    The Man That I Was Not

    It's one of those "self-loathing days" so this track is particularly fitting.


    Are there any FOSS Mahjong apps for an elderly person?

    My grandmother wants to install Mahjong onto her phone. I couldn't find any results on the Play Store with no ads or in-app purchases. She doesn't understand technology and could get tricked into purchasing stuff or compromising her data.


    No subversion of expectations here

    Transcription: Four-panel Gru's Plan meme. 1st panel: "Decide to make a Gru's Plan meme." 2nd panel: "Come up with a sick punchline." 3rd panel: "Make the last two panels different." 4th panel: "Get lots of downvotes for some reason."


    RANT: out of gas


    NO, your company isn't special to me, and it isn't special to ANYONE but you and your business-ghoul friends. Your company is merely the LABEL that will decorate my paycheck and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE, AND I'M SICK OF PRETENDING OTHERWISE.


    I've applied for at least 200 engineering jobs (I recounted the ones on job sites; but even that's nowhere near all of them) this year and gotten zero offers. This job search is LITERALLY DRIVING ME INSANE, because I can no longer fucking afford antidepressants and I'm on the verge of blowing up in people's faces all the goddamn fucking time. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

    > Try [insert nearby industry here]

    Funny story: turns out, there are people who studied for degrees in those nearby industries. No I can't land a software developer, data scientist, IT, etc., job, because (1) I've applied for all those several times and not even gotten an interview and (2) my school produces students who actually studied those topics as a major!

    So thank you genuinely to the dozens of people who have recommended that, I really do appreciate the help ... but that only works if you're an appealing candidate in general.

    > Why are you unhirable?

    Bad GPA (~2.8; many firms have hard cutoff > 3 or 3.1), no experience/internships, no support/professional network, recent downward trajectory on transcript, autistic, mentally ill getting more unstable by the day, terrible attitude that's impossible to fully hide, no charisma to accommodate for my deficiencies, no access to a time machine. I KNOW how I got here, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

    At least when I worked in food delivery I managed to make non-trivial money. AT LEAST I WAS HAPPY while being exploited. Now I'm thousands of dollars in debt, literally a hundred pounds heavier, psychologically and emotionally BROKEN, and no closer to getting a real job than I was before.


    [RANT] Still miserable and unemployed

    I was actually going to write a fresh post, but then I realized that a lot hasn't changed since the last time I posted here. Here's the old post if you're interested.

    Short version: I cannot find employment at all in my field (electrical engineering). It's not "we're not hiring", it's "we're not hiring you." I need to pay bills. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from being so close to poverty for so long.

    What has changed:

    • I have been through about 10 interviews. Furthest I've gotten in one company's hiring process is to 2nd interview. Rather than 30 applications, I have filled out over 150 applications, but I've honestly lost track. No offers. I have exhausted all the entry-level engineering opportunities my college's job board has to offer. I literally have to wait for new jobs to be posted because I applied for everything. The problem is that I don't have experience. My resumé is fine (probably) as it gets me interviews, but I simply do not have engineering experience. I am fully convinced that no engineering firm will hire me in my current state.

    • I ran out of meds about a month ago, so I feel a lot more irritable. My parents have offered to pay for a psych appointment and meds, but like...once. I will take it, but I'm waiting until I know for sure I can get more meds by the time I run out.

    • To my absolute shock, I was accepted to pursue a master's degree at my alma mater, and the Financial Aid department has assured me that I qualify for financial aid. So at least I'm allowed to...go into further debt for further education. Yay.

    Now if capitalism [1] were not an issue, I would immediately pounce at the opportunity to do a masters degree. I enjoy learning and if I thought I could choose, I would go into research. However, I gotta pay the rent (even and especially if I live with my parents), I gotta eat, and I gotta pay back the loans. Even if I go with the degree, I have to make money to pay the rent while I'm in school.

    My degree is/would be in electrical engineering. I always told myself I'd be able to get a job after all this, I always told myself I picked a "safe" major. But I can't do this anymore. I can't be constantly living on the edge of poverty like this. And the fucking interviewers are starting to ask about the gap in my work history since I fucking graduated. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE IF YOU STUPID FUCKS WON'T LET ME GET EXPERIENCE?!?!? I wish I never went back to fucking school and I fucking hate my life.

    [1] Not looking to proselytize or debate politics, but I'm not sure how else to explain to people what economic impulses force me and most other humans to act against our interests. If it bothers you, replace "capitalism" with whatever you think is responsible for making ordinary people act against their economic interests.


    Matrix Theory: From Generalized Inverses to Jordan Form

    I've been reading this book lately, although I'm not finished yet.

    It's basically a "second course" of matrix algebra that uses the full-rank factorization and the Moore-Penrose pseudoinverse to construct other generalized inverses and prove cool stuff about matrices. I initially borrowed a copy from the library for its extensive coverage of the Jordan decomposition (whose existence was really important for my control systems coursework), but I actually bought a copy as a reference because I found myself thumbing through it all the time. Although it is mostly theoretical, all the algorithms are covered sufficiently to do everything on paper if you wanted to.

    If this isn't in the spirit of the community please let me know.


    [Rant] Completely burned out

    I hope this is welcome here, as it's about autistic burnout. Mild CW for swearing and general negativity.

    I finally got my diploma, literally just a couple hours ago.

    No I'm not bragging because I'm not fucking proud. It wasn't a fucking accomplishment. I graduated with a 2.8 by the skin of my teeth. My transcript shows a recent downward trend. It took almost double the time; I did two years in four, and I took out loans to live in poverty away from home, just to limp back home to screw up the last semester.

    And I fried my brain in the process. I'm not just afraid of getting a new job, but I would be nervous to even go back to the way things used to be. My parents are like "oh you can go back to pizza delivery" but what they don't seem to grasp is that I can't even do that anymore. I've been having trouble planning to do projects and activities, even things I want to do. My body feels like it permanently changed for the worse. I literally gained a hundred pounds. Taking care of hygiene feels is too tiring to finish. My ability to remember things is absolutely devastated.

    It's not healthy to be on the brink of disaster for so many years.

    So far, I have gotten exactly zero interviews after contacting about thirty employers. (Even the simple task of applying for work feels incomprehensibly complex. I'm good with computers, but it's just so much typing and reading the job descriptions and stuff.) What good is a degree without a job? Congratulations, I know things, but what good is that for me if I starve to death? What good is it if I can't be at peace or even comfortable? How am I supposed to pay off my loans? None of my professors liked me, I made no friends at school, joined no clubs, did no extracurriculars other than some research that I can't explain to a recruiter. I have no experience in the field, not even an internship. I don't have anything to offer an employer [1].

    I have already gotten employers bring up the GPA unprompted to reject me for the position. Most engineering firms aren't interested in students with a GPA < 3. I've applied for all sorts of other jobs, but I'm competing with people who actually studied in that field. I have no projects in a state suitable to present on a resumé, and every recent attempt to start a project has gone almost nowhere.

    And frankly, I'm not particularly friendly or sociable. I am ice cold, even when I'm trying to be warm. Even when I'm fully prepared for a social situation, I am still autistic, and people will inevitably find me awkward in a bad way. I'm not open about my political views IRL [2], but it's very difficult to hide my disdain for capitalism and imperialism from people who think they benefit from them [3].

    I would be literally thrilled to do a master's degree in my field, as I read graduate-level material in my spare time, the rare times I have any energy. However, how could I pay for it? How could I convince an employer to pay for it with my transcript and recent downward trajectory? And if I get accepted, how do I even begin to manage that time? I could barely handle the workload of a bachelor's degree, and I can barely even handle the workload of looking for a job or even cleaning my body.

    I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to be able to do things like I used to be able to do. I just want to go back to a time when it actually felt good to achieve my goals. If y'all have any similar experiences, advice, or just want to dunk on my situation, I'd really like to hear it.

    [1] I'm not seriously shedding a tear over these "poor employers" and how I can't provide value to them. I don't give a fuck about them, fractally so. However, the "value I offer to the company" is the lens through which they view my employability, which in turn determines the level of comfort my paycheck yields me or if I get that comfort at all.

    [2] I'm not a great rhetorician. If I argue for my views, I will probably make my case look worse. It takes a lot of energy to talk, so my arguments are usually really sloppy when talking in person. For this reason, I'm very careful to look like a "normie." E.g., you would not peg me for an anarchist if you met me on the street.

    [3] I don't apply for defense contractors, police contractors, or prisons for ethical reasons, mostly ACAB-related. Engineers usually have no conscience of the world outside their field; e.g., a job is a job regardless of how your product gets used. This alone kills so many otherwise excellent job opportunities, and it alienated me from my peers. Turns out that the fash pays well for your integrity.

    I want to go into research, like the biomedical research I did at school, but I don't think I have the grades for that. I became an engineer to do good things with math and science. I'm not giving up on that, but I'm tempering my expectations for sure.