I've been lurking here more lately, but I haven't been completely absent. It's been around a year since I joined lemmy, and just over a year since I came to the conclusion that I am indeed trans.

It took a while, I've had a few big steps up in feeling comfortable with being trans. I spent 6+ months on a kick of "I'm not cis/I might be trans" and a bit later to "I'm trans, but embarrassed about it" but in the last couple of months keep getting more, almost, proud to be trans. A couple months back I finally accepted calling myself a trans-woman. Still a bit of a shock to me 😅

I finally started pulling the trigger and started buying some stuff from the women's dept, mostly just lounge and sleep wear. But feel somewhat less uncomfortable about even looking at it.

I told my therapist a couple months back I had started more seriously researching hrt and she asked how it felt. I said something like, "nervous, but a little excited.." more recently, it's been more like "excited, with a little bit of nervous. Like waiting in line on a new roller-coaster"

My spouse had some struggles at first, and is still also figuring things out with me, but sounds super accepting and has talked about hrt and other ideas as if it's any other typical big relationship topic.

Also, lately, euphoria-wise, I realized, I fucking love sleep shirts and sleep dresses! It's been just over a year since I cut my hair and occasionally, it sits around my face just right I can see a woman beginning to appear! ☺️ Its getting long enough to be able to do the little head shake/flip to get the hair out of my eye and it's kind of euphoric to be able to do that.

ANY-WHOSE how are things going with the rest of you girls? Any new, unexpected euphoria lately? Any tips or tricks? I feel like I'm past so much fear and almost ready to come out to some people

Oh! BTW, I did actually come out to an old friend and an old coworker who both understood and accepted, which was awesome!

Edit: also, fun fact! I have red hair. And about as much body hair as is possible. I've been trying to remove it, never really liked it, convinced myself I was fine with it. I'm not anymore. Either way! Found out from an estatician that apparently redheads have deeper rooted hair. 🤷‍♀️ Also! I already knew redheads were less sensitive to anesthetics. So, I have tons of body hair, deeper rooted hair, and numbing stuff doesn't work that well... It fucking *sucks" but I'm trying my damndest to power through.

Did you have a tipping point between realizing you were trans and you started HRT?

As in, when you de oded to start, what did that moment look like for you?

I think I'm a point where I'm more interested in trying, but have a lot of fears holding back, which I think makes it feel like I want it less than I do.

I was talking to some others about this and it made me realize I think I want it a lot more than I thought.

Does any of that make sense, or am I just rambling? 😅

I'm feeling so much more confident in my trans identity, I te s kind of crazy. I'm at a point where I'm getting more confident removing hair and such.

I'm getting to a point where I'm getting super interested in makeup, especially foundation and contouring to cover my nasty shit and hide my big nose and all..

Also, I so want to get more feminine clothes. A skirt, a dress, something, but idk what, or how to get something to fit my shape?

Basically, I want something new, I have a couple avenues, but I strongly don't know how to do either.

So, I was born(not literally) furry af, a few days ago finally got to "fuck it! Let's do it" and used some depilatory cream to remove basically everything from the hips up.

It's a bit weird, definitely different, but I love it! Haven't had any comments so far, still a tiny bit nervous about that. But also kind of more of a "who gives a fuck?" mindset. Wifey has definitely admitted to liking my arm freckles being more visible, which feels awesome af too!

I'm not convinced its100% related, but I've also been feeling better about myself, which is also awesome! I remember the past few(idk) years looking into the mirror some night and just thinking "I really don't like you/the way you look" but never really knowing why. Lately, I don't have that as much, and sometimes think I'm getting small glimpses of a woman in there!

It's different. It's terrifying. It's awesome.

Maybe this isn't the best place for this, maybe it is?

I've been thinking of changing my workout routine, but I'm not sure how?

For literally at least half of my life I've focused more on building muscle. Now I'm wondering, how can I workout and keep as much strength as possible, but lose some mass? I mean, I'm not extreme bodybuilder, but I'm nowhere near afab size.

Is it possible (pre-hormone) to mostly keep streng, but lose mass? I wish a lot of me was smaller, especially neck, shoulders, thighs, and belly. Not totally sure how(or if) I can make changes pre-hrt to get more feminine? I don't want to lose too much strength, but I'm fairly big so I'd like to lose some mass.

I guess most of my routine is 3 sets of 8-12 reps in various exercises focusing on larger groups of muscles(e.g. Push-up, pull-up, - dips...)

Edit: not sure if it was clear enough, I'd love to lose some mass/size, but as much as possible, not lose strength. Does that make sense? I totally get there is a tradeoff, but I'm not sure how to switch up working out to lose mass? I think I'd like to be smaller (help me to pass?) but I feel like any strength training at all is inherently somewhat bulky? At least from a feminine pov?

I've read more of the gender dysphoria Bible and between thy, my therapist, and some other comments around here, I've finally had a few puzzle pieces finally fit into place and thy finally Feels pretty good. Like, to some extent I've further accepted my transness and just feel more at peace thinking about myself. It's still different and difficult, but to a certain extent, I feel more settled into who I really am and it's kind of nice.

Definitely, I'm still terrified of how my state and nation is going, but, I do feel better about myself internally, and it does feel good.

I was at a store earlier today and the woman checking me out was borderline gushing about my nails and how good they looked and how they were between Mardi Gras and St Patrick's day and matched my (leprechaun suit) shirt and it just felt beyond awesome! 🥰 I saw her braided hair on the way in and wanted to say something, but idk how without coming off as creepy since I was still boymoding and all but...

🥰

Still riding that high 🥹

So, I'm baby trans. I'm exploring, at what feels like a glacial pace, but feel the urge to do something more. More, different clothes, idk. **But ** I think I have this fear of looking ridiculous with something and just hating myself and getting depressed, so I just don't.

I was thinking I was "afraid of feeling dysphoric", but today I started wondering, it's that fear actually the dysphoria?

Bonus thought; the wanting to explore, but not knowing what to do, feels a little bit like when you have an itch on your back and try to get someone to help but they more of chase it around until you just give up. It's like that. My gender is itchy and I can't figure out how to scratch it 🤣