Recognizing the intentions of others

I can relate to that a lot. Like a lot, a lot. On days I’m overwhelmed and go to public places, I purposefully dress repulsively so that no one would want to speak with me. I’m talking torn shorts, ugly or aggressive shirt, sunglasses, disheveled hair,and earphones.

Anyway, I generally believe people at face value. If they tell me something, I believe it. Attempting to assess the validity of their words is wayyy to exhausting for me, and I will inadvertently end up insulting them somehow because I spent my attention on that rather than listening to what they were saying. Believing people comes with the downside that I can be easily taken advantage of. It has happened many times by strangers and trusted persons. It was enough that I sought professional help for it, and here is what I have learned.

What works for me is to (1) establish non-negotiable boundaries and (2) trust my feelings. By boundaries, I mean where others end and I begin. Others are responsible for their emotions, and I am responsible for mine. For example, one of my boundaries is that I am a person that will not not talk to solicitors because I have trouble navigating those interactions. Whether they find that insulting or not is none of my concern. They are the ones approaching me, and they are the ones that have to manage their emotions if they are rejected. I have no obligation to entertaining their solicitation. I am responsible for guarding my emotions and not sppending them on a random solicitation from a stranger. Likewise, if I attempted to solicit someone and they reject me, that sense of rejection is mine to deal with. This innocent person is in no way obligated to manage my feelings of rejection from an interaction I attempted to start without their consent. Therefore, strong boundaries on who you are and what you are willing to make yourself tolerate are essential.

When it comes to trusting my feelings, I have to accept that the way I feel in that moment is valid, regardless of anyone else’s opinion. As autistic people, we have been told that we need to override our senses the majority of our lives. That is something I am working on no longer doing. I need to be constantly aware of how I am feeling and accept it as valid. If I feel uncomfortable in a social setting, I accept that. It is my duty per my boundaries to address that feeling. If I am feeling off about someone, then I need to address it. Preferably, this is someone I can discuss it with. The way that works for me is to openly state how I am feeling. I can say anything I want about myself as long as I don’t mention anyone else. So, I can freely say, “I am feeling uncomfortable in this setting right now.” No one can argue that, and if they do, then you know they’re dismissing your feelings, which is a not someone you would want to trust. Why? Because if someone said the same to you, would you dismiss them? Hopefully, you’d be respectful of their feelings.

Once you say how you are uncomfortable, a trustworthy person will attempt to understand you and may even ameliorate the discomfort in a mutual manner. They will ask for you to elaborate or help remove the stressor without taking offense. But what if they’re the ones making you feel uncomfortable because they are too close to your face? Then say it in a rule-oriented way. “I feel uncomfortable when someone is speaking closer than a foot from my face.” A caring person will likely pull away, apologize, and thank you for telling them. An untrustworthy person will take it personal or derail the conversation. Regardless, we’re looking for the person that wants to respect your boundaries. That’s who you want to include in your life.

If you go around doing this, then you’ll be collecting data points that tell you who is and isn’t a good fit for your life and in what amounts. We’re looking at averages here because sometimes we all have bad days and make mistakes. Eventually, you’ll start figuring out that some people will be people you can spend lots of time with, some will be good for shorts spurts, and some you’ll want to completely avoid as much as possible. The nice thing about this approach is that once you start establishing people you can trust, you don’t have to “figure out” their intentions. If you trust them, then you can just ask them. However, the first step to trusting them is to start trusting yourself, and that’s done with non-negotiable boundaries and accepting your feelings.

Yeah, I can't read another's intentions to save my life, and (slowly) developed a "fool me once? Bye, Felicia" approach. Thankfully, my friends/family understand why, and I don't question if they're gonna be two-faced.

When meeting strangers, I share my boundaries early on that 1)I can't infer meaning to any degree, so 2)they need to use specific & unambiguous language. At that point, they can't claim ignorance, so I have no reservations about forgetting their existence & moving on with my life if they don't pay attention.

I totally relate to that. I got taken advantage of a lot when I was younger and now I just assume that anybody I haven't known for years is out to get me. It's made me very cynical and somewhat bitter. And yet the times I've made a conscious choice to let my walls down and trust someone it's pretty much always ended catastrophically so I don't see any way to change things and be less bitter, because it just doesn't seem to work out when I do.

I don't have personal experience with anxiety in this way but what you describe, having a reaction to the approach of an unknown potential danger, sounds like an entirely reasonable defense mechanism for a person to have developed.

And when approaching the stranger is your choice and your action, I can understand why your "defense mechanisms" / "reflexive anxiety" wouldn't react the same way. The trigger for the anxiety is the unknown danger that approaches with no regard for your choice. If instead it is your choice to approach then even if there is a danger, or the unknown potential for danger, at least it is your own choice to approach that danger?