I was made to hang out with my partner's friend's new boyfriend
The only thing I knew about him was that he works in construction, because his work shirt said as much haha. I had no idea how to relate to the guy. Or even start a conversation.
Man do I say? I haven't watched sports in forever and that normally always works. I wonder if he has kids. I can jokingly talk shit about my kids all day, but if I start with that he'll think I'm fucking crazy!
Is he not drinking bud light because of politics or because the yeungling was at the top of the ice chest? He looks like he works out- should I ask him about it? Fuck, I don't know shit about gyms. How do I follow that up?
Damnit I hate parties. Is he thinking the exact same thing as me? All my partner's friend's partners are country boys and this always happens. Why is this so hard? A third of my friends are country as fuck
"So, you listen to music?"
Fuck I'm an idiot
15 minutes of the awkward silence that comes from a dash of regular anxiety and a heap of how-masculine-do-I-need-to-be-right-now-to-relate-to-a-new-human-male.
Sorry if this isn't appropriate for this sub but I like the concept and want to see more engagement and also this just happened.
The key to social grace is letting things be organic
You introduce yourself. You maybe say who you're there with, then maybe ask how the new person met the person you know. This gives you a point of connection to start from that's always going to be present at gatherings large or small. The new person is already connected to you by the already familiar people. So you build on that and allow the conversation to flow from that.
Easy peasy. You don't have to worry about anything except the moment. If new dude is a talker, problem solved because they're going to keep going and all you have to do is listen. If they aren't, then you know to hang back a bit and still listen while letting their flow ebb at its own pace.
While I agree with everything you said, I think the major problem here is the assumption that being men is enough commonality to supersede literally everything else. When you're not sure if you have similar perspectives on masculinity this can quickly turn into a minefield. Particularly in more conservative areas. The strategies described here, while likely effective, can very quickly become detachment and other maladaptive coping mechanisms if you find yourself in this situation frequently and are overly concerned with presenting in "acceptably" masculine ways.
It is easy. People just doubt themselves and fear social rejection so much that they make it hard.
Don't get me wrong, I had to climb out of that place to get to the point where I could discover how easy it is. But it really is easy to do once you know that it's all about being willing to listen instead of dreading having to speak. You just ride the flow once you push off.
I think most of us have been there at sometime in our past. It is difficult, for sure. I have had to take classes on how to do small talk in order to find ways through this, because I need to be able to work my way through these situations for my job. It is tricks like - you mentioned the guy works construction - so ask him what type of things he is building. How did he get into that position. Is construction what he has wanted to do his whole life, or how did he land that type of job. You need to ask questions that will provoke another person's opinions (whether you like their answers or not) and usually they start to spill their personal stories quite easily. Share a few anecdotes when you can to keep things moving forward. But I agree - it is difficult and very uncomfortable.