How do you work with the social life in college and not feel worth less than others?
How do you work with the social life in college and not feel worth less than others?
Hey y'all,
I'm a 19 year old psychology student in college (with the goal of becoming a therapist) and have been diagnosed last summer with autism (low support needs).
I think the fact that so many of my peers go to parties, drink and have fun, while it is too overstimulating for me, feels really bad. I can't go to a party without earplugs, beer tastes awful to me (and coffee as well - way too intense for my taste), as soon as there's blood in a movie I feel unconformable, and it just feels that everyone is able to do thing easily which for me are a real struggle.
I'm in a relationship, and my gf seems to be able to do all these things easier than me. Asides from the fact that she also has better grades than me, I just feel resentment and sadness that people around me seem to better than me in so many aspects. Of course we should focus on our strengths, and that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. But in the end I still feel resentment that people around me are just able to do so many more things than me, and that things considered normal in our society are a struggle, if not outright impossible, for autistic people.
So I'd love some input on how y'all cope with the reality of not being able to participate in social life to the same extent as other people.
Thanks!
Well my human, it sounds like you already know that your resentment and frustration is valid but not productive. There will be things you can’t do and it sucks. You seem to know that you cannot function in the “typical” social events listed above. Have you tried changing your approach so the activities are in an environment that you can control? If you can’t go to parties because they’re overstimulating, host a dinner party or game night with a smaller group of people. I wasn’t big on house parties either, but I was always able to find people willing to spend the afternoon hanging out in a kitchen with me while we were baking. One of my favorite Friday nights in college wasn’t spent at a bar, instead we all went to a climbing gym and then got pancakes at IHOP. Your social isn’t going to mirror those college movies, but that’s ok. You will find people willing to hang out, it’s just going to look a little different. :)
This is some very good advice. My eldest son is on the spectrum (also low needs now, but was moderate for a while), and he has found D&D groups to be just stimulating enough. Just as an example.
Tech can be your friend here. You can search for people with similar interests. For example, here in NL there's an app for people who want to go on a walk (obviously, safety first of course). The point being use tech to help you discover stuff you like then find other people who are into the same thing.
The ability to control the way I interact with a group setting/function is one of the many reasons I love online gaming. I've been a part of some really great communities that regularly hold a variety of online events, and it's such a great way to participate for people on the spectrum. Jump in and out whenever you want, mask/unmask however you want, sit and listen to the group without ever speaking if you want. No one will think twice about it. Plus, you have the added benefit of hanging with nerds from around the world that tend to be interesting people. Can't really recommend it enough.
Thank you! I also already have done steps into this direction - e.g. by hosting a D&D group. I just am not sure how to build up/ extend that... But I'll think about it. Thank you for your thoughts!
Yay I am glad you’ve already started doing some gaming groups. Sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. If you don’t mind more of my suggestions. College was really fun because I used to just be able to walk into the common room and ask “Who wants to do XXXX?” And usually have more than a few takers. The plans don’t have to be elaborate either. Once it was just as simple as, does anyone want to go to the shop that has tin foil over the windows and see what’s inside? Turns out it was a spice shop and they had some interesting dried goods and tea. Just try and focus on things you like doing or think you would like to try. People are pretty amenable to suggestion, so don’t be afraid to put some ideas out there. Also, be sure to join a club or two. My college would give clubs money if they hosted events that were open to the rest of the student body. So more than once I would book a classroom to binge anime on a huge screen and the school paid for all of the snacks. Another club was founded on the principle that it was cheaper to make waffles in the quad on Thursday nights than to go to the local diner. They eventually became one of the largest clubs on campus and started sponsoring raves because they felt like it. College is fun and I am sure you will enjoy.
Up until college, I was a the top of a lot of competence hierarchies. In my little hometown I was one of the funniest, one of the best at paying attention in class, one of the best at taking tests, one of the best at helping others with their homework.
I wasn’t at the top of any of those hierarchies in college, and my fledgling social skills from a rural town were absolutely nothing compared to the level of sophistication these upper middle class suburban kids were doing.
I felt lost and worthless.
But one of the things that helped me keep moving was to make a conscious decision: I was going to see people who were better than me at something as inspiration, not competition.
Fortunately, being autistic, I was able to consciously and deliberately set that as a rule for my mind, and after a little bit of practice I got very good at it.
Now, to this day, when I meet someone who’s better than me at something, I get excited. It feels like watching a cool movie. And instead of thinking about me compared to that person, I think of me compared to the overall landscape. That person who’s awesome at something is like a sharp peak in the landscape, and by interacting with them, even just by watching them, I climb up the side of that spike, and while I might still be beneath the tip of the spike, by being close to it I’m above the average landscape.
People with amazing social skills are inspirations, not competition. They’re a model for how good you can be at it, if you keep your mind open and pay attention.
There will also be people who are highly skilled, but mean and antisocial with how they use their skills. Those people, you need to respect them and you can still admire their skills, but it’s important to maintain your own sense of judgement so you can decide which of their tools to pick up, and which ones to leave alone.
Even interacting with an antisocial person, if you take it as an opportunity to learn, can be valuable.
So I guess that’s how I would summarize the advice overall:
- Mainly, cultivate respect and gratitude for the environment of social sophistication around you. See it as an environment rich with opportunities to learn
- Don’t blindly admire the skillful though. Pay attention to which of the skillful people are using it for good, and which ones for evil
- Pay more attention to the skillful good ones, and allow yourself to see them as inspiration
- Obviously, befriend them if you can.
Definitely don’t lose sight of that good-vs-evil dimension. When I was in college I was paying more attention to the cool-vs-uncool dimension, and it caused me a lot of stress and horror in my life.
The twenties are a good time to start switching from Cool to Good as the main thing you’re seeking in friends and social opportunities. Obviously you need both. Cool people make the world go around, so don’t settle for being Good but Uncool. Just, when the two are in conflict, go for Good.
Thank you for your comment - I think for me your words resonate very deeply. I also come from a rural province, where I was one of the best in my class. Psychology in Germany is very competitive to enter into, and I'm in one of the most competitive psychology colleges out there; basically there are only the best of the best. So of course there will be people who are better than me in many areas, and I'm not really at the top of hierarchies - which is also kinda to be expected.
I haven't thought that I can use this fact to my advantage in the way you described however. This is a very interesting thought... It reminds me a bit of advise from Epictetus, that life is a carriage: you can either let it drag you, or walk with it. There are people around me who are better than me; there's nothing I can really do to change it. What I can change, however, is my outlook: instead of that dragging me down, I can use it to uplift me.
I really appreciate your comment. I will need to think about it, but I haven't thought that I can use comparison to my advantage. It is something I'll meditate upon. Sincerely thank you!
Grades in college don't matter as much as think unless your literally suda cum laud or however it's spelled. There's an old joke I used to hear in college, what do you call a doctor that graduated at the bottom of their class? Doctor. As far as the social thing goes, going to parties and shit every weekend isn't for everyone, just slow your roll, see what you have fun and enjoy doing, your only 19, I wouldn't even consider you an adult with a fully developed grasp of the world yet. The funny thing about college, most of your peers are in the same boat as you, they just won't admit it.
Thank you! Well, sadly to become a practicing psychologist here you need to do a masters degree, and there is a high competition for those. The system is pretty bad - but yeah, grades matter; if you aren't good enough, you don't get into the masters degree.
And it is an interesting thought - I'll keep it mind that a lot of people feel like me. We of course struggle with different things, but the general question of "how to adult" and "how to do life" and "how to happy" is probably something I'm not the only one struggling with. So thank you, that helps me in getting some perspective :)
You need to talk to a therapist about this. It's a long road to overcome the inferior complex you're describing. One witty answer from us isn't gonna solve it. You're gonna need repeated reminders that you're worth just as much as anyone else and your strengths and weaknesses are just as valid as anyone else's.
Also, you're at college so this might be free. I went to a lot of therapy in college.
As for sympathizing, I understand and agree with your aversion to certain shows. Blood and guts make me a little uncomfortable. (I tried to watch Invincible. Nope.) Sitcom embarrassment is actually harder for me to watch that gore. Strange when you think about it. I wear earplugs to shows and movies and anything loud. (I wish I would have had them 20 years ago.)
Well, I actually already am in therapy for almost a year :) Luckily my insurance covers it, so I will continue it for some time. I am working through it, but - as is kinda typical for therapy - I uncover new problems after solving the old ones.
Good!
And, yes, trauma stacks. It's like an onion, it has layers.
I can speak as someone who thought they couldn't do parties. Parties are incredibly intense, and can be the best or worst experience of your life depending on the smallest details. Eventually you will learn how to party best for you, what substances to take, what to wear, where to stand and what to do, which parties are just not going to work for you. Keep trying new things, but also if you're not feeling it, take some time out or just leave.
I think the older you get, the more you realize that everyone has imposter syndrome and anxiety all the time, but you just have to fake it until you make it. If you pretend everything is fine, it usually turns out fine.
Sorry for the late reply - thank you for your reply though! I appreciate it a lot.
Especially your last paragraph really hit a spot :) You're right, we all just try to fight our way through life - and it is easy to forget that others struggle with it as well. I'll try to keep it in mind. Thank you for your input!