hate when i have a specific health question and the answer i get is generic brochure-ass platitudes like 'eat a healthy breakfast' shut the fuck up

I use a free (state sponsored?) "Ask a Nurse". I just do well, exactly that and they give me medical answers and tell me if I should go to the ER. All free. Maybe your state has one?

preach. one time I asked how to get my beard to grow more color and the internet told me fucking "diet and exercise".

This applies to everything imo. I hate when I ask a specific question about a specific thing and get quora ass generic answers.

Did you try, I dunno, drinking water?

But seriously. Get a TENS unit (also called e-stim). Amazing little things. You can get really good ones from around 30$€£, just make sure to get one that takes 4 batteries (not 3) that has at least 2 channels and some programs. No need to overpay. The one I got for 20 € has the same programs my doc's unit has, and a full bag of replacement pads from Aliexpress doesn't cost much either.

Also see if caffeine does anything for you. I don't mean coffee, but some painkillers contain caffeine.

I just got back from the Chiropractor, and can attest the effectiveness of a good one if you can find them. There aren't a lot of other nonsurgical quick solutions that aren't just masking the symptoms.

I know you said no doctors, but Chiro's often have same week apts and cost a lot less, especially on first meeting.

Don't do yoga if a Westerner. We don't have the mindset for it.

Back pains might be the result of many different variables, ranging from bad genes, wrong lifestyle, old injury, bones, nerves, muscles, weight, shitty materace, etc, etc.

Try to observe if warm (not hot!) bath with salts/magnesium seems to ease your pains.