(long rant) Feeling very isolated and scared

Just want to note ahead of time, yes I'm in an enormous amount of therapy already

Nothing in particularly spicy detail but topics and possible triggers include: Surgery, breakups, alcoholism, sex, generally poor mental health

I'm having surgery in June which I'm very excited about but also it's a big thing to be going through and I've needed a lot of emotional support. I spent the last few years building up my social circle and being in a vibrant polycule. In the last year though I've managed to go through 5 breakups, 4 of which were very long term, and now a divorce. This most recent breakup has been so hard on me, I was starting to heal from my paranoia I'd get dumped out of nowhere, the day I finally couldn't hold it in any more and was going to tell them I loved them they broke up with me before I had the chance. I don't have any partners left, I've only got a couple friends left one of them is in a different state. I spent years lining up my social circle with a lot of care and now that I need it most it's just crumbles. This recent breakup was kinda my last hope to have a grounding intimate relationship through surgery. They were such a lucky find and everything I've been hoping for and missing and I was healing so much pain just being around them but that's all gone now. There's only like 10 weeks before surgery and last time I tried finding anyone it took months of heartbreaking work. I don't do well without physical comfort, I'm back to sleeping only a couple hours a night, I'm losing weight again really quickly, I can feel my body falling apart from the stress

I'm doing what I can to find people, going to bars even though I've been sober for almost three years now (I'm getting Shirley Temples so I feel less out of place), I've completely gone through multiple dating apps, I even went to a sex club for the first time the other day which was kinda magical but didn't help with a lot of what I'm going through. I'm scared something is going to go wrong with surgery and I feel a major urge to use what I've got while it is still here. I'm also not very attracted to other trans women which I feel ostracizes me from the local trans community. Often the expectation is because I'm into women and I'm trans I should make exceptions on my genital preferences for trans women; this has caused a major disconnect with how I'm able to socialize with the local trans community. It's so difficult to find people I match well with physically and emotionally and I've lost everyone I spent years finding. I was really hoping to have an intimate relationship to ground me before and after surgery and to have a trusting relationship be there while I'm learning my new body.

My tranniversary is coming up soon too. The last couple I had were filled with people and they were so special. This one I knew there wouldn't be very many people so I made plans with my now ex, we were going to do something out of town just us so I could get away from the bad feelings. Now I guess I get to celebrate my tranniversary alone, the one a month before surgery.

I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. After surgery instead of being in a caring environment I get to split finances in the divorce and move into an apartment likely by myself maybe with total strangers. I'm completely burnt out at work, at life, I feel cut off from people and now I have major trust issues. I honestly don't know how I've gotten this far without picking up drinking again. Every day I want to nose dive off the wagon.

I'm so hurt and scared and don't think 10 weeks is enough time to figure out how not to be. I know going to clubs and stuff trying to hook up probably isn't good for me but I don't know how to stop this empty pain in me without human comfort