Parenting a Neurodivergent child

Yeah, high-functioning ASD.

If I were to give advice, the first three tips would be:

-Trust what your child is telling you, over what common sense is telling you.

-Never hesitate with getting a skilled psychiatrist involved if there are any issues with school, medical issues, eating, etc. Because their standard playbook is usually insufficient and by the time they manage to dial in to your child enough to help, a long time may have passed.

-If someone tries to tell you how to "cure" the child, hit them in the face with a pickaxe.

I'm not a parent, however, my #1 recommendation for parents is: if the child is autistic, DO NOT listen to the many people who will push ABA (applied behavioral analysis) "therapy" on you. The organizations that push it are very good at making their bullshit look legitimate enough to get pushed by other organizations, including schools, but ABA was invented by the same person who invented gay conversion "therapy", and adult autistic folks who were subjected to it as children overwhelmingly regard it as abuse.

That aside, it's apparently really common for a child's diagnosis to lead to a parent's diagnosis too lol. Especially for parents who don't fit the incredibly specific stereotypes.

For ADHD, I would like to recommend the youtube channel How to ADHD. I don't always agree with it on all points (for example, I think it presents the differences between ADHD subtypes in too gendered of a way), but overall it's a well-researched resource that is good at presenting information in an easily digestible way, and because it's run by a woman with ADHD it avoids most of the issues that are common with resources run by neurotypical doctors and similar.

Obligatory "not a parent", but my parents worked their butts off to make sure I turned out okay so I think I can contribute a little. I wouldn't blame people for feeling like I was spoiled.

• I've been lucky enough to be in Massachusetts which is the home of the Aspergers / Autism Association.

• My parents took advantage of my early diagnosis to educate my teachers, at least in Elementary and early Middle School. A few teachers in particular became unofficial advocates for me, and they helped develop an IEP for me (Massachusetts has a SPED program that it actually funds).

• Practical things we did (that I can remember) outside of the IEP stuff mostly revolved around making sure I was "at my best", my personal best, rather than outright forcing me to be someone I wasn't. For instance:

• Make sure I drink enough water (Seriously dehydration + a 10 yo with autism not a good combo)

• Do a little meditation every day (it's a workout for your frontal lobe! Great for learning to manage sensory problems without being an awful ABA thing)

• Incorporate "exposure therapy" into my day in little, low-pressure ways. For instance I was a very picky eater, my mom made a deal with me that I always had to try whatever was on her plate but I could always spit it out into a paper towel or something if I couldn't deal with it.

• Literally had a period on some days in middle school (OK, this was an IEP thing but still) where the school stuck the antisocial kids in a room together to just hang out. There were three of us, the other two were almost certainly ND as well. We ended up being very good friends and I remained friends with one of them until the end of HS.

I guess my main point is that I believe I experienced a happy medium where my parents firmly made sure that I kept growing, but didn't always force me into situations I hated. They respected my boundaries as much as they could while still pushing me to have a good life. I won't claim that I was "fixed" but I went from a kid who bashed his head against concrete when he was upset and had mental breakdowns over someone breaking the rules in Monopoly to an adult who a lot of psychologists wouldn't diagnose with autism (because they're uninformed, not because I was cured). I'm still a barely functional adult, but I'd be an even less functional adult otherwise.

Not a parent, but I got diagnosed when I was 30 and it did help my mom get some insight in her own struggles and she suspects she might also be neurodivergent.

The recognition you can get from talking about your experiences and struggles can definitely help other people either with diagnosis or just general understanding.

My lo has ADHD and likely ASD (physician doesn't think it is worth pursuing diagnosis at this time for a variety of reasons).

I was actually in the process of pursuing an ADHD diagnosis for years before my child was diagnosed - I ran into a lot of hesitation until I moved to a less conservative area (not sure why). I finally found a physician who listened to me but I think having my child diagnosed helped the doctor take me more seriously.

We've got an ND family counselor and they have been valuable for helping us advocate for our child at school, providing specific resources for specific challenges but mostly for continuously championing the ways our child is successful and unique. When you're in the trenches about day to day life things, it's nice to have a reminder to focus on the many ways your kid is amazing.

I wish there were more resources out there specifically for ND parents with ND children. While I share and can relate to a lot of the same challenges, there are definitely things that are harder for my child than for me and I wish I had better tools to help them.

I'm the father of a son with Asperger's/High Functioning Autism. (He was diagnosed just before Asperger's was folded into Autism in general.) As I was reading up on Autism to see what my son was going through, I realized something weird. All these books on Autism were talking about me.

Now, once always known I was different, but I chalked this up to "stunted social growth due to excessive bullying in high school." Of course, this didn't explain why I did some things into my mid-30's.

I came to the realization that I'm Autistic. It was a tough realization to come to. My entire sense of self felt like it was destroyed. Everything I thought I knew about myself was wrong and I needed to rebuild my sense of self from scratch. Once I got over the shock, though, everything about my life made a lot more sense.

I never got a diagnosis, though, for various reasons. It would cost money when money was tight. It wouldn't have helped my son and I also had (unknowingly) developed coping mechanisms. So I'm undiagnosed, but 100% positive that I'm ND.

I've been ND (ADHD) since I was a kid, so it wasn't surprising when my kiddo was diagnosed at 4/5 yrs of age. Having it myself does help to understand what he's going through.

Has finding out their diagnosis also led to you or their other parent to a late diagnosis?

I've gone the other way around.

Having gotten my ADHD diagnosis at 39, it's made me 90% certain that the struggles my kid had throughout school were as a result of undiagnosed ADHD. He's pretty sure that's the case too, but unfortunately he's now 19, so on the adult waiting list which may be a few years long at this point.

He's just finished the first year of a law degree though, so I guess he's managing to deal with it pretty well.

With regards to resources; a hearty second here for How To ADHD. It's a great channel, with some really helpful information.

Not a parent but here's my own personal advice as someone with ADHD and some autistic traits as well as someone who's worked with Neurodivergent youth and has received training for such work as well.

I would like to not only echo the weariness of ABA but also of note to be very weary of any medical professional who seems to focus more so on "normalizing" their behavior, specifically in the sense of trying push back against potential behavior and traits that aren't inherently harmful, and if they are harmful in some way they are trying to push back against it entirely instead of pushing for more healthy means. An example would be stimming, stimming is absolutely fine and healthy on its own, but if the kid is stimming in a potentially unhealthy way they shouldn't be directed against stimming entirely rather they should be figuring out ways to make their stimming behavior safe and healthy.

Another thing that applies not just to medical professionals of any kind but anyone in general, be VERY mindful of those who infantilize your child. In the sense of who seem to deny your child's own agency or autonomy from the language they use and the interactions they have with you and your child. A big example would be for instance talking as if your child is unable to comprehend what is being discussed with your child right next to you and clearly able to understand what is being said. Another example would be questioning their autonomy, and just generally treating them in a way that is inherently condescending as if they are toddler when they clearly aren't. Another would be in interactions when you know your child is clearly capable of independence, they try to insert themselves in ways to "help" as if they are completely helpless and it's an instance you clearly know it isn't a support need they have. Individuals who do this aren't always doing this as a means to be malicious, but those who do this are more often than not the ones to do so maliciously. It is a form of ableism, whether intentional or not and if they aren't receptive of correcting that behavior its likely problems with arise with them.

Familiarize yourself with your rights as a parent in regard to school and the rights your child has within your jurisdiction. As well as make sure to check in occasionally with your child as to how they are being treated in school and if they actually being provided any accommodations they are required to give your child. The above pops up quite a lot in schools, with quite an alarming amount of education professionals believing that due to their false perception that your child has a lack of autonomy that they can do whatever they really want to without your child telling anyone.

I'm ADHD with Anxiety and guess what my 10 yr old son is the same. Yey for genetics. I've been treating and learning to develop this "super-power" since I was in grade school. Because of this knowledge when my son started showing signs of ADHD, my wife and I got him tested and found out that indeed he is.

I have to admit it can be challenging being ND/ADHD/Anxiety with a kid who is a lot like you and has the same stuff going on.

I found that CHADD.org is good as is ADDitude Magazine.

An ADHD coach can be helpful as well. But be careful to screen them. They aren't regulated like psychologists or psychiatrists.

I hope this was a little helpful.