Can someone explain to my neurotypical mother who is sort of new to my self-diagnosis of asd1 that transitioning (getting showers) is hard for me?

What are you trying to achieve?

Not showering? Or having some kind of support?

Instead of focussing on just “I have autism this is hard,” why not look into what might help you, so you can give your mom a clearer idea of how to support you.

For me, showering is so easy not to do at all. I have things built into my schedule which require it, though. Like massage (I feel obligated to be clean for that, and have a routine getting ready for massage). Also I’ve identified things that make me feel gross about being unclean, like when my hair is greasy, and that stays on my mind now once I notice it.

Also if you’re still under 18 (or whatever the age of adulthood is there), a diagnosis is probably a good idea because there may be support available somewhere.

Dear caring person ❤️,

Transitions, such as showering, can be an overwhelming experience for some people. The first thing to do to help with this is accept that that is the case. The transition into showering and then ending the shower can be difficult for some people. Once you accept that, you are over a humongous hurdle!

The next step is to figure out ways to make the transition into the shower more tolerable or even enjoyable. But first, let's first cover some attempts that have failed. In my experience, demanding, insisting, shaming, accusing, or yelling aren't helpful, so I recommend to avoid those techniques. Consider other strategies that have failed and avoid them too. Now, let's think of things that might help.

Things that I have noticed are helpful are to create pleasurable excitement for the transition. I like to start running the hot water early so that it's warm once I get in and feel the warm water expanding my skin and even giving me good chills. Also, if I have a new soap or loofah that I really like, that would make me more likely to want to shower. I even have a waterproof speaker so I can hear a song/podcast/video while in the shower to keep me company because I hate being in there alone but also like to be silly. If the relationship is appropriate and someone wants to party with me in the shower, that would be great! However, sometimes I find that showering is a sacred time to wash away the stress of the day, refresh, and say absurdities to myself knowing that I have privacy. It's a personal preference that changes depending on my mental disposition.

Once I'm washing, I have a nice system I follow to make sure I clean myself properly that I use every time. The system is important to me because I feel like there is an order to things, and the plan is clear so I don't have to make decisions that distract me from my thoughts in the moment. First, I wash my hair with shampoo and mess around with my hair because shampoo lets me make ridiculous hairstyles. After I rinse it off making sure to not get any in my eyes, I add conditioner keep it in while I bathe my body. Everyone has a preference in how they like washing their body, so maybe having that discussion would be enjoyable because people like sharing about things they like.

The next transition would be leaving the shower. Once that water turns off, it gets really cold really fast! Maybe have a nice large, dry towel ready to use immediately. I use humongous towels that cover the majority of my body, and I wash them separately from clothes to not use fabric softener so that they dry really well at the cost of them feeling rougher. It's a trade-off I'm okay with. It could also help to have the clothes all ready to put on rather than having to figure out what to wear while freezing cold or walking around with wet slippery feet and wet slippery hands that can't grab onto drawers well while fumbling with a towel. After the shower is complete and the person is dressed, let's celebrate! We're clean and so happy about it, we can do something fun to enjoy the cleanliness, like cuddle under some blankets, read a book, have a delicious treat, or whatever! 🥳

I hope this helps, and thank you for caring about your person's hygiene!

Sincerely, Someone That Has Trouble Transitioning to and from Showers

I think that people don't understand how hard things are for us sometimes. I push through, and get it done, and that seems to give people even less empathy for the struggle that I face on a daily basis. Expectation and entitlement really are the opposite of empathy and understanding. It would be cool if there was a translator or if I could speak their language, and put things in terms that others could understand perfectly. But maybe it's enough to have community and kindred spirits who go through struggles that are in some ways similar, if not identical. Anyhow, I read your post and wish you the best of luck with facing this problem. It's not easy.

If your mother is accepting that you think you’re autistic, I highly recommend seeking diagnostic screening with her support while you’re still under 18 (harder to find for adults). This opens the door to help such as Occupational Therapy, which was a game-changer for me. Your mom might not have the answers to what you’re wanting help with - an OT is a professional who can help autistic people function day to day.