Am I being unreasonable?
Am I being unreasonable?
For privacy sake, I'm changing names into cheeses.
So I've been with my nesting partner (Cheddar) for about 2ish years, living together for most of it. She's wonderful, she's thoughtful, and she means the world to me.
About 6 months ago I met someone really cool (Swiss). We hit it off immediately and things have been great, except for one thing. Unfortunately I happened to meet her during a time when my relationship with Cheddar had a fair bit of turmoil, so unsurprisingly Cheddar reacted with a lot of insecurity and jealousy. The first night I hung out with Swiss we ended up getting in a huge fight. From there on, anytime I even mentioned Swiss all the energy was sucked out of the room.
I did my best to make sure I was moving forward with Swiss slowly, and did my best to try and bear Cheddar's feelings in mind. She still felt like I was putting more effort into this new relationship than I to my relationship with her. To her credit, I was absolutely far from perfect. I definitely didn't communicate how things were going between me and Swiss very well, to the point that Cheddar felt like I had stepped over a big boundary.
Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago: I've been head over heels in love with Swiss since July, but had been putting off prompting the partner conversation for the sake of Cheddar's feelings. It was my last chance to see Swiss for over a month, because she was about to do a bunch of traveling, and I decided I had put things off for long enough.
I tell Cheddar I'm going to ask Swiss to be my partner that night, and Cheddar reacts super negatively. She says something to the effect of "We're moving soon, your work schedule just changed dramatically and now I have to get used to having a metamore on top of that? It feels like too much is changing all at once."
To her credit, Cheddar later texted me to encourage me to have the conversation anyway, but by then I had already decided not to. "After all, even if Cheddar gives her blessing it's still going to hurt" I thought "Better just wait till Swiss is done traveling. Cheddar is right, and in her position I probably wouldn't like all of those changes all at once either."
Fast forward once again, but to last week. We're in the new apartment and slowly unpacking. Swiss has been out of town for awhile, and still has a week or two before I'll get to see her in person. Cheddar has been seeing someone (Gouda) for a couple of months. One night Gouda tells Cheddar "we need to talk". They hang out next chance they get, and Cheddar comes home to tell me "So, you have a new metamore."
It fucking sucks, and the timing could not be worse. I feel like I've just been consumed with jealousy. Watching her do all the things I've been holding myself back from for months: Coming home with hoodies, or hickeys. Spending entire days with the new partner. Nothing unreasonable in and of itself, but all stuff I've denied myself with Swiss for the sake of Cheddar's feelings. In the meantime I won't even get to see Swiss in person for another week. It certainly doesn't help, that because of my new work schedule I've had a lot less time to spend with Cheddar, and a lot of what I do have has coincided with her only opportunities to hang out with Gouda.
Last night we talked about it and Cheddar asked me "Do you want me to put things on hold, atleast till Swiss gets back?"
It feels like I'm being so unfair, but I said yes. Like, why should Cheddar have to put her relationship on hold, just because my other romantic interest is out of town? A lot of the things I've been holding myself back from weren't even explicitly requested by Cheddar, just the sort of thing that usually sets off her jealousy.
This morning Cheddar told Gouda "I need to take a step back for a little while for my partner's sake" and apparently Gouda didn't take it very well. She isn't talking to Cheddar at all at the moment. I feel like a fucking monster.
I don't know. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unfair?
Asking Cheddar to put things on hold with Gouda doesn't help anything, but you have every right to be hurt, and absolutely need to have that discussion.
The issue isn't that Cheddar has a new partner and thus you have a new metamour, the issue is that you took things slowly with Swiss due to Cheddar needing time and space to process it, only to then not be given the same consideration or opportunity for discussion from her. And that's what needs to be talked about and addressed.
Asking her to put things on hold won't fix the problem of you not being considered or consulted, all it does is turn it in to a petty revenge thing, and create more problems (as you've seen).
Give her your blessing to keep things going with Gouda, but also, let her know how much she hurt you when she didn't give you the same consideration she asked you to give her. If she takes that onboard and treats it seriously, then you'll get through this. If she is dismissive of that, then the issue is in your relationship with her, not in her relationship with Gouda
I feel like you basically hit the nail on the head. Things are definitely more complicated than I was able to portray in my post. But I definitely hope this is how I'm able to move forward.
I'm old, and maybe I'm wrong, but I feel that if jealousy is strong enough that it warrants making changes in how you relate with other people and there are many conversations about it... Then perhaps poly just isn't working for the two of you in your current state.
That's not to say that jealousy cannot exist in a healthy poly relationship, it is a human emotion after all, and colours all kinds of relationships - even friendships. I just think that jealousy related relationship turmoil is ... not healthy poly.
Also, wanting to deny Cheddar the things you denied yourself for the sake of your interpretation of her feelings, not her requests, is retaliatory and not healthy.
Lots to unpack here.
If you value Cheddar and want things to work long term it may be time for both of you to step back and turn towards each other, get to the root of all these strong feelings on both sides, before you involve (and very possibly hurt) others.
Honestly I've kind of been wondering if polyamory is for us. I definitely don't want to stop being polyamorous, but I also don't want other people to get hurt because of me.
You speak about Cheddar doing stuff with Gouda you have denied yourself doing with Swiss for Gouda's sake, and it's making you vengefully jealous.
My question is - did Cheddar explicitly ask these sacrifices of you, or did you just assume that it would be the right thing to do?edit: nevermind, gotta read better...I feel like both of you handled some things suboptimally, but this particular aspect sounds like you've been doing this to yourself by assuming instead of communicating.
Generally I don't really understand this situation. Jealousy is not something that just happens to someone and has to be avoided. Jealousy is the flashing warning signal that something is not right (like a relationship that is unstable, or a need that isn't met), and the starting point of a conversation, not the end of it. But there doesn't seem to be a conversation around that in your story. Why not?
I'll never understand why some polyam people feel the need to move at the same speed as their partner. It's not a contest. If a partner tells you they are uncomfortable with you moving at the speed you're moving with someone new, then they certainly have a right to feel how they feel, but they don't have a right to expect you to modify how you relate with another person in order to appease their discomfort.
You chose to do so with Cheddar, which was your own decision to make. That being said, if I were Swiss and found out that you were the sort of person who would allow your nesting partner's emotions to hold weight in the relationship you share with me, then I don't know that I'd be comfortable being partners with you. No one who isn't part of my relationship will ever have the right to make decisions regarding that relationship, and I won't ever be partnered with anyone who will make decisions about my relationship with them based on their other partner's jealousy. That is a very firm boundary of mine.
It is okay to acknowledge a partner's feelings and work with them to help them feel better while still holding to your boundaries. If you had done that, then you wouldn't have felt the need to retaliate the way you did due to your own jealousy once the tables were turned.
Both of you would do well with a more secure attachment style. Go read Polysecure by Jessica Fern together.
I'm totally with you on that. My last wife would pick up and drop relationships at the drop of a hat. I didn't care, as it never really affected me at all. I'm demisexual so I always take wayyyyy longer to get into relationships, but when I do, they tend to last a long time. As you said, it's not a contest.
Echoing the other comment, I don't think you're being unreasonable or unfair.
It could also be worth seeking out relationship counseling/therapy for you and Cheddar. My perception from reading your story is that there could be a lot of communication gaps in your relationship(s). But it's also clear that you're caring and empathetic, so maybe you're only missing some tools and strategies for properly harnessing your empathy.
I feel like you are being unfair to Swiss. You slow down the speed at which your relationship progresses for the sake of a person that has no stakes in it. And now you alloe Cheddar to do the same. I think both of you give each other way to much power and weight in your relationship progress. If I put myself in Swiss or Gouda position I would also be hurt.
I once was in the situation where my partners new relationship resulted in so much jealousy. I think part of it was due to my partners actions, but mostly it was due to my own insecurities which I did not examine close enough before commiting to polyamory. This resulted in a similar situation where I wanted to feel like I had control and I did that by trying to control their relationship, which did not end well. Instead I should have reminded myself of my boundaries and examined me they where crossed (they were sometimes), should have asked for adherence to our agreements(sometimes they were broken) and should have asked for reassurance way more often(I kinda never did, I felt like a failed poly person for doing it).
Just as others suggested talking about this with Cheddar is the way to go. I would also suggest you talk with Swiss about the constraints you put on your relationship and why.
Honestly I didn't even think about it from that perspective. I have been unfair to Swiss, and I guess I'll have to talk to her about it.
I've been in your shoes my friend. It is difficult when coming from a monogamous world trying to step into polyamory and letting the emotions that we've been trained our whole lives to listen to take over our thoughts and feelings.
I've been polyamorous for 26 years now, and the one thing I've learned is that there is no way I can be useful or joyful with my partners if I don't take care of myself first. The way I've been participating in polyarmory for the last 10 years or so with all my partners is that none of my relationships should affect any of my other relationships within certain mutually agreed bounds. So if I set some time aside for a partner, that time is only for that partner and what happens with that partner is only between us. And I expect the same from all of my partners as well.
But I also don't do envy or jealousy anymore either, so my advice might not really be applicable to you.
My first question is: what are y'all doing? I can't tell how much work either of you has put into learning about polyamory, learning about how to be good hinges and take care of all of your partners or anything else related to polyamory. Additionally, I am getting the feeling that both of you are doing "the relationship with the person I'm living with always comes first" thing. Or that you and Cheddar are primaries with nobody else being a primary partner to either of you. If that IS the case, I hope you're being up front about it.
Both of you need to be thinking about if your relationship with each other is meeting your needs. It doesn't necessarily matter what your metas are"getting". Are you "getting enough" from each other? Do you know what "enough" is? Are you both mature enough to have figured out your enough for yourselves based off of your actual needs and wants vs "I need everything that is important to me + I have to be first/always get anything my meta gets, not because I actually want or need it but because it makes me feel bad when they get things I don't".
It sounds like you both need to work on repairing your relationship. Separately, I think you both need to decide if polyamory is really for you, and start digging into podcasts & books about it, because it seems from your post that neither of you has done a lot of the foundation work that helps make polyamory successful and healthy.
Cheddar's partner has every right to be pissed and not talk to her. A LOT of polyamourous people have no interest in dating someone who allows their preexisting partner to veto or put limits on their relationships. If you and Cheddar are going to practice polyamory like that, you need to inform prospective partners of it up front, and look for people who will agree to a relationship like that.
Get some polyamory resources. Read them, listening to them, communicate. Figure out what you each need from your relationship and see if you can give each other that. Make sure polyamory is right for you, for both of you.
Those things may or may not help your current attempted relationships, but they will definitely help your future ones.
Consent needs to be given by every partner, every time a new partner is added. In drag's opinion, Cheddar cheated on you by not asking. There was a period where they were in a relationship and you didn't know. You have a right to know in advance. And, the fact that you only got the opportunity to say no after the status quo was changed, creates a pressure for you not to say no. You deserve a fair chance to say no.
You made an effort not to cheat, even when you had verbal permission, because you didn't believe you had emotional permission. That's great. You deserved the same consideration from your partner. You need to have a talk about the boundaries for adding new partners, because it sounds you don't have your own rules, and Cheddar isn't aware of the default rules.