The China Bad Times Expanded Universe

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is currently a very delicate time in my life. Xi Jinping, the evil dictator of China, has stolen all 14 of my underage waifu body pillows, and I am in shock from the loss. It's really a hard period of time in my life, as the chinese regime is now targeting me personally. I have had to take 7 different pseudonyms to avoid CGB agents who are seeking to capture and torture me, and on numerous occasions I have been smuggled across borders to avoid being caught by the globalist communists.

As of right now I'm typing this through a quadruple-encrypted onion Shrek goblin ring with five layers of wholesome chungus bitcoin blockchain shields. Despite this the plainclothes chinamen police officers are closing in on my location, and they are trying to take away from me my last vestiges of sanity. Please donate to me through the link below:

This

I agree with good ideas, no matter left or right

Why do people argue when they could have a good ‘ol compromise?

I’m truly in the center, I think both sides are bad

Don’t folks who disagree a lot seem sad?

Now I think immigration is a delicate issue

Sure, they deserve rights but they’re stealing our jobs too

It might sound like I am sucking up to MAGAts

But I’m just being unbiased and that’s a fact

Yeah there’s income inequality but the poors are at fault

And if exploitation ceased then industry would halt

It’s because of society, I want to keep my guilt hazy

Yeah, it must be that those poor people are lazy

If you think I’m a fascist then sorry you’re wrong

I just think the white race needs more lebensraum

How hard is it to understand I’m no extreme

I stand for the middle, I never join teams

Maybe I want to genocide a few minorities,

But haven’t communist states also done bad deeds?

Stop it with your woke mind whataboutism

I never used any nazi euphemisms

So what if I want to kill some browns and yellows?

I’m still not a nazi, just an unbiased fellow

Why do leftists insist on criticizing me?

I’m not left or right, just center, why can’t they see?

Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves for the latest scheme of the evil Chinese Communist Party (CCP), whose sinister plan involves nothing less than stealing the world's carbon right out of the atmosphere. How nefarious, you might think. Let's dive into this evil plan!

Instead of ignoring the dire warnings of climate scientists and continuing to spew carbon dioxide into the atmosphere like the international community has done for decades, the CCP wants to capture it and store it safely. What's next? Preventing forest fires instead of letting them rage uncontrollably? How selfish of China not to consider how much profit we make rebuilding when people's houses get burned to the ground.

We've consulted with an expert, who agrees with our conclusion that the CCP's plan is to steal our carbon out of the atmosphere. The expert, who has asked to remain anonymous, stated the following: "I don't know exactly why they're doing it, but they're definitely up to no good." Truly chilling testimony!

Let's not forget the CCP's participation in international climate agreements and commitments to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. How cunning to want to work collaboratively with other nations to address the pressing issue of climate change. Clearly, they're just trying to divert attention away from their grand scheme of carbon larceny.

But their evil plot doesn't stop there, oh no! China has had the audacity to invest in renewable energy, public transportation, and electric vehicles. So, not only are they stealing our carbon, they're lowering their own emissions. At this rate, there won't be any carbon left for us!

I hope everyone reading this understands that this threat is extremely dire. We must all be wary of China's plan to preserve this planet for future generations!

I'm so fucking done, man.... sincerely.... I'm so fucking done....

With how evil the Imperialist Chinese and Colonialist BRICS empires are! They're, like, literally commiting indigenous genocide in Antarctica (that's what the K in BRICS is for, right?), and ruthlessly exploiting the locals for resources to fuel their cybernetic hypercapitalist engines of consumption! Look, I learned all of these leftist words, so I'm a leftist now!

The Free World™️ has once again sternly reprimanded those dirty yellows and their subhuman allies for their human rights abuses and mistreatment of indigenous Antarcticans. Says an anonymous citizen of Latin South Slovenia, "The Chinese are putting more pressure onto our government to join Genocide Putin in BRICS every day. Please save us daddy Biden!"

As millions of global southerners are being displaced and their homelands destroyed by Imperialist members of China's bloc of closet nazis, the Civilized World must take action now to prevent the destruction of potential resource deposi--- uh, I mean, allies around the globe.

Chip in a few cents to help defend the Free World™️ today!

sincerity

Sorry if this is kinda short. I wrote this in like 5 minutes.

It was a chilly Autumn evening when 59 year old Cincinnati resident Robert Dale heard a knock on his door. "I was sittin' in my recliner, just watchin' football, then all of a sudden I got a knock on my door. I thought it was my grandkids..."

When Robert Dale opened his door, it was indeed his grandchildren. But he knew something was wrong the moment he saw their expressions.

"I tried to talk to them, but they would even listen to me. They were all on their smart phones and nothing I said or did would get em to put those darn things down.

When I got a glimpse of what was on their smart phones, my heart sank right into my chest."

A shocking discovery: his grandchildren, like so many other misguided youths, have began using TikTok - Xi Jinping's latest effort to keep a close eye on the personal lives of Americans with a surveillance system unlike any other seen before it.

Ohio Lawmaker Jebediah Flang had this to say when interviewed by CBT reporters on Friday: "Hooligans and youngsters crave their tiktok dances and their immediate grams. But beyond this naive quest for what their foolish minds label "fun", lies a dark truth that they refuse to acknowledge, and that truth is that with each " tik tok asmr challenge ", they inch just that much closer towards Chinese sympathies. One minute, they are quoting the latest "meme" as they call them (Whatever ever happened to the funny pages?) and the next, they are quoting the dictator Mao Zedong like any patriotic man would with George Washington. Really scary stuff."

Incredible words from an incredible man.

The growing trend among the unthinking generation has startled lawmakers like Jebediah Flang and miniscule average joes like Robert Dale into action. Each taking their own paths to ensuring the safety of our besieged nation.

God bless CBT. God bless Unbiased Journalism. God bless our imperial protectors.

I am Rebecca Frank, signing off.

Would you like to know more?

Welcome back to The China Bad Times, which is still illegal to read in the brutal Beijing regime! I’m your guest editor from Radio Free Asia here with exclusive news about China!

Our spies in the Communist Party have found proof behind our allegations that the Chinese government used the fictitious One Child Policy as an excuse to eat babies! Whenever someone had a second child, the child would be confiscated by the government and eaten by the cannabalistic regime.

The official death toll sharply plummeted after the Great Leap Forward, but this new information suggests this was simply due to no longer having to count the eaten babies, as the murderers simply ate them before they had to give a birth certificate!

Meanwhile, in the freedom-loving United Americans of States, you can have as many kids as you want to provide free labor for you and your company as the Founders intended. 🇺🇸

As always, click here to donate to the China Bad Times.

Hello, my name is Lieutenant “Honorary Aryan” Poopy Butthole.

The west has fallen, the only way to defeat the evil communist deep state is by plowing Joe Biden’s booty hole with a giant paint brush which will inevitably summon a 300379 meter tall nuke which will destroy all of the evil non white countries and then summon George Patton who will dance in the sky butt naked which will cause all the evil brown immigrants in europe to die of testicular cancer. Then, Mussolini himself will film a twitch stream talking with destiny and making fun of Islam in a radioactive crocodile butthole. Finally, Adolf Hitler ascends from the ground and start spitting out bullets greased with pig fat at evil ruZZian orcs while flying in the air like superman and simultaneously shooting out laser beams out of his booty hole at jewish families. Then, WW2 Japanese samurais will ride into battle on ostriches and start singing “Ballin” by Roddy Rich and running into crowds of innocent people and exploding. Then a colossal butt naked aryan Shrek will appear in Beijing and start turning it into a glorious aryan utopia while singing about how he ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. Then Atlantic fish people along with undead viking zombies riding underwater F-35s will fly into the sky and start bombing the middle east. Then, gigantic THERMONUCLEAR! ballistic missiles powered by the 6969696969696 victims of communism and built by the spirits of non-existent german women who were killed by the red army in WW2 will start attacking every communist country on earth. Pewdiepie himself will then be responsible for repopulating the white race while screaming his favourite word that starts with the letter N. Then at long last, Adolf Hitler himself will use the power of the AllSpark to summon Decepticon Panzer IV tanks that will kill all remaining people of colour and then finally bring about the glorious endsieg of the white race.

In recent years, with the rise of tankie Xae junpoueng brainwashing, more and more patriotic Americans are being corrupted into evil godless communist tankie scum, who want nothing more than the destruction of the great, hard-working white upper class of America that has done nothing but good for humanity. But we're willing to fight back!

In collaboration with several other major Freedom Outlets, we are raising a new project, the Do Your Part initiative, which aims to promote traditional American values and oppose all that is tankie such as pro-Stalin Big Brother No Food Spoon Man historical revisionism, as well as moeism and dungkhism, and support of Keem Joe-wun. These evil ideologies have poisoned the minds of our children, along with other threats to democracy such as the Woke Mind Virus.

Sponsored by Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Adrian Zenz, and Joe Biden(who accidentally hit the 'donate' button five times), we aim to reward the spreading of American values by paying two cents to every poster spotted praising American values and combatting Chinese disinformation online. While some have criticized our program and have even compared it to (Biden forbid) China's infamous Wumao program, we would like to remind you that Freeze Peach and also it's okay when we do it, but not those nasty yellow people!

Sign up here to do your part today!

spoiler

Thought it would be another Miku link? Get Assadrolled lmao

Breaking news! The evil Chinese regime, after the failure of the valiant reddit army at shinkykung, has captured a large amount of our brave volunteers. They're keeping them alive, sure, but... just to torture them! Yeah, that must be it. Those dirty yellows are probably eating the bones of our heroic troopers. We must free them!

However, Xei Jun-Powung, the evil dictator-emperor-voldemort of the ccp (we hate the government, not the people) has REFUSED to free our troops! Would you believe that? A lowly asiatic, telling us superior whites what to do! This is... outrageous!

Calls for a second wave of Reddit troopers have gone out. This time, instead of attacking the Chinese heartland of shinkykong or teebit, we will attack Chinese strongholds outside of their barbaric heartland one at a time, starting from elementary schools harboring chinese spies. Sure, they might just look like kids, but you never know who might be passing information to Xaie!

We need more brave troopers like you, soldier. We need to defend our civilized white land of freedom to ensure that a western civilization, and not a mongol one, reigns supreme!

Would you like to know more?

Breaking News! The brilliant field marshal Krakk Pott has been forced into retreat by hordes of yellow asiatics, barely escaping with his life. "I don't understand!" says top US military expert with remorse, "nobody could've seen this coming!"

The Anti-China Reddit Volunteer Army landed yesterday in the northeastern Shinyong region of the evil ccp dictatorship of China, led by Xei Jun-Pohng, the evilest dictator ever, even more eviler than Joe Steel or Dolf Hit, having nearly 69420 engellion confirmed kills under his belt. He ruthlessly crushed our Reddit freedom army, leaving little room for the Free World™️ to grow and thrive like lazey fair economics says it should.

When the Reddit Army landed, our dropships were attacked by Chinese anti-air. Who could've predicted that those primitive asiatics had invented ground-to-air weaponry? Nobody, that's who! This whole thing was a massive surprise.

When the soldiers finally landed, a mob of orcs instantly swarmed them. Our brave redditors fought heroically and valiantly, but were ultimately crushed by sheer numbers, and numbers alone. Despite this, they managed to achieve a kill/d ratio of 43984389389 big wholesome chonky chungillion gold award to 1. They will be remembered in the annals of western history.

This means one thing: We need more men. Our technology is better, our tactics are better--- now all we need are more soldiers who can valiantly hold the line defending civilized whites from those dirty ching chongs. Enlist today and save the world!

Would you like to know more?

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Would you like to know more?

Greetings folks, another day at the CBT. Have you sometimes heard tankies argue that China is a good country for its accomplishments?

Well, they're wrong, because all those so-called achievements are only in canon in the 'real world', a reality completely divorced from our frothing racist fantasies, which we all know are canon!

"China has not done a single good thing in the entire timeline of the China Bad Times Expanded Universe," says esteemed professor Krakk Pott, Ph.D. "It doesn't matter what they did in the 'real world'. It's pointless internet debates and our delusions that matter."

The next time you see a tankie out in the wild, make sure to debate with them the canonicity of the supposed deeds their favorite authoritarian regime has done. And remember folks, propaganda is bad when it's the yellow people who do it!

Would you like to know more?

Welcome back to The China Bad Times, which is illegal to read in the brutal Beijing regime! I'm your guest editor from Radio Free Asia here with exclusive news about China!

Unlike in our American democracy, where girls are free to get married at 10 years old, the authoritarian dictatorship in China forces women to get established careers as scientists, doctors, or nurses. Women aren't even allowed to have children thanks to the One-Child Policy, where the horde murders your babies if you dare have a second one.

Now, you may have many questions, such as: "How can anyone become an accomplished scientist while they're forced to eat poo?"

The answer is that our brave spy in China communicated over the phone, and we realized that the Chinese population eats Pooh! That's right, they eat the beloved cartoon character Winnie the Pooh, also known as President Xi Jinping!

These people have a peculiar custom of "saving face" where they don't eat the head, so another corrupt dictator puts on Pooh's face and pretends to be the president, before they eat him too!

In conclusion, China is an unlivable hellhole that eats babies, Winnie the Pooh, and tortures women. Don't go there, we're about to start a war with this genociding dictatorship!

As always, click here to donate to the China Bad Times.

Breaking news! Here at the China Bad Times, we've found out a damning secret---- China is arming tankie terrorists in Africa!

[insert a bunch of racist shit I'm not gonna type here. Use your imagination, or maybe don't]

Anyways, this new government has been seen collaborating with evil seeseepee already, seen by the fact that they're breathing the same oxygen that those dirty yellows are. How dare they! Everyone knows that western colonialism only brought wealth and prosperity to Africa [insert more racism here], and now they're abandoning our glorious white civilization for a bunch of CHING CHONGS? Ridiculous!

These ungrateful brats have also praised Commie Putler, saying, and I'm quoting their leader Abraham Castro here, "Putler good Ukraine bad no food burn crops landlord die global revolution". This proves that he's joining the communist plot to destroy the Free World™️! How could this happen?

In addition, Castro is commiting a genocide against France by refusing to sell them the precious Uranium (ha ha, Uranium, like Uranus, like, ur anus, get it? I'm so funny, right? kekw lol wholesome gold award) they need to heat their homes and power their cars. Now the poor oppressed whites will all freeze to death and even worse, the Eiffel tower will shrink from the cold!!! Oh noes!!! Won't somebody think of the tow-er, I mean, the people?

All in all, the situation is looking quite grim for the International Community™️. Stay tuned for more from the China Bad Times.

Hey, don't scroll past this! Since the CIA defunded us, we've been relying on user donations to keep our bastion of free speech running. Click here to donate to the China Bad Times today to ensure that free press lives on!

Breaking news! It has come to our attention that the evil seeseepee regime is FORCING ITS CITIZENS TO EAT POO!!1!1!1!11111!!!

Yes, that is correct. The evil authoritarian chinese government has seemingly run out food, so it is making its citizens eat their own poo instead. Now this has seemingly been going on for quite a while, as all those yellow ching-chongs are far weaker and dumber than Superior White Man.

The head of the ccp himself, Dictator Xae Jun Poohng, has issued an official statement regarding the issue: "1984 big brother george orwell animal farm no food 100 marxillion dead EAT YOUR OWN POO PEASANTS!!!!!11!1!!!!!"

This is yet another in a long chain of moves where the ccp has been evil to its citizens. Not like we care about those yellow hordes, but we hate the government, not the people. Well, we hate the people, too, but that's besides the point here.

Anyways, ignore what people tell you, that poop has no nutritional value and therefore is horrible food. It's possible. I bet they probably stole some evil secret voldemort darth vader palpatine necromancy magic to make the poop edible. I mean, they do deserve to eat poo given that they're an inferior race, but for this article we're only hating on the government.

Anyways, China is now even more of an unlivable hellhole than before. Please don't go there, you'll probably die or get shot by the police or something.

As always, click here to donate to the China Bad Times.

Well guys, it's me, Jonathan12345, back at the China bad times with another exciting episode on your daily load of CIA-funded crap. Gee, it's really been a while, hasn't it? Well, we kind of got defunded after all those other racist news sources crowded us out. Y'know, we'd spew out vile and blatantly racist propaganda, and some random-ass redditor could do it just as well, for free.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're actually going to discuss how history is over.

Yup, history is over. Do you know what that means? it means that the world is stuck like this, and it's gonna keep on going like this forever until the heat death of the universe. Nothing's ever gonna change, the USA will always be the number one power--- it's a real end to history. And with all those selfless and hard-working billionaires taking care of everything, what more could you ever ask for?

I mean, sure, there might be one or two countries that oppose the good old USA here or there, and maybe a few tankies and nazis(they're really the same thing. Horshoe theory, you know?), but over all it's pretty clear that history has ended. Capitalism beat fascism in world war 1, and then it beat communism in world war 2.

So, there's a bright US-guided future to look forward to--just try not to give in to despair, heh.

As always, click on the link to donate to the CBT so we can keep our news running.

Inspired by those shitty western media articles about random-ass weird ideologies and how they can help us "expand our scope". Totally not a teaser for something.

EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYTHING SUCKS

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

faster. Faster. Faster. FASTER.FASTER.FASTER,FASTER,FASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTERFASTER

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

capitalismisabadideologybutthereisnofeasiblewaytobreakoutofitthereforewehavetomakeitfastersowecanshowtheworldhowterribleitisdoubleworkinghourrestrictionsremoveminimumwagetakethewageoutofwageslaverytakecontroldoublethepowerFULLFASCISMFORMTHEVERZWEIFLUNGSWAFFEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[narrator]: alright, so we've wanted to do this for a long time. Anyways, we couldn't find anyone who was willing to defend communism, unsurprisingly, so we got this random-ass tankie's imaginary vanguard tankist waifu as a defense.

[The recording begins. This is a transcription.]

Pott: Alright, guys. I've been preparing for this. I've played over 2213823839934 hours of ace attorney and among us, and I am ready to absolutely destroy communism using facts and logic. Specifically, we're accusing communist states of committing multiple genocides. We'll start with the famines in China.

Pott: I'm inviting my witness to the stage now.

Anonymous[wearing a mask]: Hello, I'm an anonymous guy. My grandpa lived in China, bro. It sucked. Like, everyone was starving. In China they had no food, they had to eat each other and get eaten. [he breaks down into sobs] it was HORRIBLE!

Zhou: OBJECTION!

Pott[visibly irritated]: what is it?

Zhou: This man, he doesn't have any proof. We don't know if he's telling the truth.

Anonymous[leaving the room]: Don't be ridiculous! We all know how reliable anecdotal evidence is!

Pott: Alright, next piece of evidence: ha ha no food Mao vs Sparrows 69420 quadrillion dead tuna man massacre wuegghyugurag genocide.

Judge: Alright, I'm going to---

Zhou: HOLD IT!

Pott[visibly irritated]: What is it this time?

Zhou: That-that's not evidence. You just said a bunch of random words! Isn't that right, Mr. Judge?

Judge: No, no, the evidence seems fine to me.

Pott: Anyways, on to evidence three: Communism red. Red sus. Mao imposter. Imposter bad, communism sus.

Zhou: This isn't among us.

Pott: What do you mean? Is it wrong to say that communism is sus?

Zhou: Yes, that's what I'm saying. Besides, that's not evidence.

Judge: No, I think he's right. I'm just going to declare China guilty now.

Zhou: This kangaroo court is stupid. This man isn't even a real judge, is he?

Judge: How did you know that?

Pott: SHUT UP!

Judge: Alright, anyways, we've already determined that communism is guilty. Are you getting this down?

As Chinese and Russian trolls take over the internet, the China Bad Times has once again proved itself a vital piece in the "war of resistance" against the corruption of the free and democratic ideals of the west. However, many of our freedom fighters are aging and can no longer find time to combat the never-ending hordes of dirty asiatics.

Our localized training centers have solved this problem. Let's follow esteemed professor Krakk Pott, Ph.D, as he gives us a complete tour of the facility.

"Now," says the Professor, "Bolshevik propaganda is everywhere. Therefore, in order to purge this nonsense from the heads of our warriors, we first block out all propaganda from the communists that infest the internet. We only give them articles from enlightened and free western countries, ensuring they can be free thinkers. We want them to think independently, after all."

The Professor then leads me into a room where a group of teenagers are watching a rousing speech by our great Lord and Savior, the One With Foresight, the almighty Adolf Hitler who saw the dangers of unhinged bolshevism. As we watch, the teenagers throw their arms into the air and exclaim, "Sieg Heil!"

"Sure, it might seem a bit extreme," says the professor, "but hey, we've got to make sure these guys know freedom. And freedom means our point of view. We're giving them the opportunity of a lifetime. They're developing their own opinions as we watch!"

We turn into a massive hallway where students are exchanging beliefs in the Free Marketplace of Ideas.

"I hate commies and love Hitler!" one person exclaims.

"I do, too!" many others agree.

"Isn't it great?" Pott asks me, "They're developing a camaraderie, while also fighting communist propaganda."

I have to agree. I tell Pott that I think it's great we're providing a space for students to use their own minds to debate ideas and to see through propaganda by using logic and common sense.

"One particularly bright student is Mr. Fullar Beloney rightt here," he says, introducing me to a short, fat teenager with a clipped mustache.

"Hello!" Beloney says. "Heil Hitler!"

Due to time limits, this is all we can reveal for now. However, keep a lookout for our brave internet warriors the next time you're resisting a communist invasion on reddit!

After a long investigation on the man responsible for the Thermonuclear attack in Wisconsin, the investigation was concluded by finding the person responsible.

The man goes by many names, and the man prefers to call himself in whatever suits his needs, but the most common name appears to be "Wisconcom" or "Wenger". The writings from the investigation seem to reflect his overall personality, being arrogant and on a quest stated by God to destroy an obscure forum website known as 'Lemmygrad'.

After the thermonuclear man was taken into custody, there was an interrogation report on the man, with several statements being made by the thermonuclear man. "I can't stand tankies and dengists." the thermonuclear man stated sternly. "Prolewiki must be reconstituted, it must be anti-revisionist," the thermonuclear man stated in an almost maniacal manner. Referring to another obscure wikimedia site known as 'Prolewiki', a website which espouses genocide denial and support for oppression of yogurts.

After the several interviews conducted by the police, the thermonuclear man was willing to collaborate with the United States Central Intelligence Agency, in order to "own the tankies and dengists", the thermonuclear man said. His last words before the interview ended, stating: "I will go thermonuclear again. I can't stand these dengists and tankies. These social-imperialist dengist social-fash khrushchevite revisionists must be destroyed!"

"Noting the terminology he stated, he appears to be 'terminally online', which is useful for coordinating attacks against the communist ideology", a CIA operative stated.

We have attempted to contact the thermonuclear man, but no replies have been made. We also attempted to contact the CIA operative but no further replies have been made.

In a shocking turn of events, a thermonuclear explosion was detected in the heart of Wisconsin earlier today. What's even more bewildering is that the source of the explosion appears to be a single individual.

According to the ISP logs, the person was apparently browsing a website called "Lemmygrad" when the incident occurred. We're not sure what "Lemmygrad" is or what kind of content it hosts, but we can't help but wonder if it had something to do with this catastrophic event.

Authorities are currently investigating the matter, but no one seems to have any clue as to what happened. Some are speculating that the person was some kind of a mad scientist experimenting with nuclear fission in his basement, while others are suggesting that this was a terrorist attack.

But the question on everyone's mind is how a single person could cause a thermonuclear explosion. We're talking about the kind of explosion that can level entire cities and wipe out populations. It's simply inconceivable that a lone individual could have that kind of power.

The fact that such an incident could happen in this day and age is simply mind-boggling. We have to wonder what kind of world we're living in when a single person can cause a thermonuclear explosion. It's a scary thought, and it's one that we hope we'll never have to face again.

In the meantime, we urge everyone to stay vigilant and report any suspicious activity. We never know who might be lurking around the corner about to go THERMONUCLEAR. It could be anyone, anywhere, at any time.

---

UPDATE:

As the investigation into the thermonuclear explosion in Wisconsin continues, new details have emerged that shed some light on the individual responsible.

According to sources close to the investigation, the person in question had rented a storage unit. Inside the storage unit, authorities found numerous handwritten letters addressed to someone named "CriticalResist."

The letters, which were filled with rambling and disjointed thoughts, suggested that "CriticalResist" had somehow forced the individual to carry out the explosion. The writer claimed that "CriticalResist" had banned him from their online community, and that this had left him with no other option but to act out in this violent and destructive manner.

It's worth noting that the writer of these letters seemed to be suffering from some kind of psychological distress. The letters were filled with paranoid ramblings and conspiracy theories, and the writer seemed to have a deep-seated resentment towards society and its institutions.

As the investigation continues, we can only hope that we'll be able to piece together the events that led up to this catastrophic event. But one thing is certain: the repercussions of this explosion will be felt for years to come.

I was just walking around minding my own business when suddenly Xi Jinping, the devil incarnate, zapped me with telepathic socialism satan jihadist rays from across the world. Indeed, the dark forces of his thoughts were so profuse that I now have a scar (Xi's like Voldemort, he's that evil). God damn, how dare he preside over massive economic growth and safeguard Chinese sovereignty! This is literally 1984 and from the time you started reading this post to now, communism literally killed 100000000000 more people, you silly commie orcs (/s)

For far too long the China Bad Times has been a semi-dormant sub with one post of a badly written satirical news piece every few weeks or so. But all that is about to change.

With the introduction of the China Bad Times Expanded Universe, or the EU for short, YOU can write about the China Bad Times Universe. And you don't just need to write News pieces, poems, songs, anecdotes, stories and even art is fine. Use your imagination! You can expand on existing ideas, or make up your own.

So, what's considered canon? Everything! Contradictions are not a problem here--- in fact, the more the better. Remember, our primary goal is to make China, and by extension non-US allies, look bad.

What are you waiting for? Join the China Bad Times Expanded Universe and begin making posts today!

more info

Ching Chong, 24, is today sharing his experience of how he escaped from the authoritarian dictatorship we know as "China".

"When I was in China, everyone was poor," said Mr. Chong. "We had to eat dogs and our babies. Between you and me, the one child policy was really just the evil ccp getting us to do evil stuff like eating babies, because why not."

"When I was 5, my sister disappeared. The government people tortured and killed her and punished us for having 2 children. Soon my parents disappeared on a train going to the Beijing National People Killing Plant. That's a place, right? If you go on google maps and see a big building in Beijing, that's the BNPKP. Anyways, I had no choice but to run."

"I ran from my hometown in Chinaman's Cave to Beijing, where only the wealthy and elite and corrupt Xi shills live and visited the place my parents were. They were on life support, it was horrible, the government was harvesting every organ out of their bodies, and they were tortured every day. I was going to rescue them, but the red guard started shooting at me." Mr. Chong paused, and wiped a tear from his eye after squeezing out five packs of eye drops into them.

"I swan across the ocean. Chinese fighters, which were obviously stolen technology from the Mighty and Glorious America, began firing at me. But I swam, and I had a conviction of freedom, and with that conviction, I swam across the pacific and landed in Miami."

Mr. Chong is one of the lucky few who managed to escape the iron grip of the regime. Please support him and others like him by donating to the CIA: 👉 Donate to save Chinese refugees