Thanks for sharing all that! Interesting read and raises several good points.
I am really low on energy today and so can't write as much as I'd like to, but did want to comment and at least say you're not alone.
I, too, am a Christian and generally don't mention it online due to the criticism that usually follows. A combination of conflicts (at least one of which was exacerbated by my autism) and the response to the COVID-19 pandemic and the politics that followed completely undermined my faith in the church as an institution; I have not attended church in several years. Suffering autistic burnout makes that worse since that significantly exacerbates all the sensory issues too. Sadly it is Christians (at least in my experience) that tend to have the poorest understanding of mental health and neurodivergent conditions such as ASD.
The majority of being stigmatized/being made to feel like I didn't belong was during my childhood and teen years. These days I am well-versed at masking (which is a separate problem) and so don't attract negative attention in the same way anymore (though I still don't feel like I fit in in a lot of places). I have slowly educated my family as I have learnt more about autism over the past couple of decades and whilst some of the extended family are still difficult to deal with, my immediate family has a much, much better handle on it these days and occasionally even surprises me with their level of awareness.
As for friends and acquaintances, I no longer have the time or energy to deal with people who can't at least make an effort to see where I'm coming from, ASD or not. This year has seen me realise I need to cut a few more people out of my life, as they are not good for me and my mental health.
Data is great, but personally I'd argue that Spock is probably more strongly autistically coded than Data. Vulcans have more intense emotions than humans (hence why they suppress them) and that parallels well with the intensity of the autistic experience at times. I am also reminded of the scene at the start of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home where Spock (having just finished his re-education post the events of Star Trek II & III) discusses emotions with his human mother, indicating that Vulcans don't always understand what they are feeling, either.
Another good example would be Spock's father Sarek - particularly the TNG episode featuring him, where his illness results in a breakdown of his normal self-control. Picard volunteers to take the cognitive load of Sarek's emotional control so that Sarek can complete some key negotiations, which is the only time we really see the strength of Sarek's feelings; again one could look at this as a parallel to the internal autistic experience that is difficult or impossible to express to the outside world.
Not sure I have a favourite, although I do know that a number of historical figures (Einstein, Newton, Tesla, Mozart, etc.) probably had autism and several well-known actors (Sir Anthony Hopkins, Dan Ackroyd) and other celebrities (Susan Boyle) have been diagnosed.
I definitely admire Susan Boyle for the courage it would have taken to front up on stage and perform the first time. The amount of stress I'd be experiencing if that were me would have made me physically ill.
I feel like I can somewhat understand Dan Ackroyd, though, as he has said his "obsession" with ghosts is what provided the drive for the original Ghostbusters films. Even though I don't share that as a special interest, it does make me smile to think that his level of enthusiasm in the films was probably genuine enjoyment of being able to do something he was passionate about at the time.
Temple Grandin is also worth a mention for her accomplishments and autism advocacy.
I think I understand. It sounds like "family" movies or shows with emotional content are particularly intense for you (I don't think they "pander to your emotions" as such, just that NTs experience and regulate their emotions differently and these films are not made with the autistic experience in mind). Books and comics are likely much easier to process since it's just visual sensory input (and typically not intense input at that) without the auditory nor all the body-language cues.
One of my relatives (now deceased; he was never diagnosed but in retrospect some of the traits are obvious) always struggled with shows and movies aimed at children and families - he found them too emotional - where as crime shows, mysteries and documentaries were far more palatable. Certain scenes in films are overwhelming for me as well (emotional montages are often the most likely trigger), but usually it's the just overall volume level or if there's a lot of visual flashes/flickering that is taxing for me.
I can't be sure what will work for you, but based on my past experience, people have less familiarity with the sensory issues associated with autism than they do with individual sensory issues (e.g. flickering lights and epilepsy, or sounds and hearing/balance complications). Perhaps you could mention that you have sensitive hearing and that loud noises like shouting are painful, or rapid movement/visual flashes are very distracting. What have you tried thus far when trying to explain the issues to people around you?
I'm sorry to hear that people aren't respecting your needs by turning down/off the TV when you're visiting. It sounds like you respond a lot more strongly than most to sensory input and particularly the combination of visual and auditory styles used in TV and movies. I definitely do not respond as strongly as you, although am still quite sensitive to visual and auditory input.
Could you clarify whether you're seeking assistance with managing the sensory input, or in trying to explain the impact it has on you to other people (so that they don't have the TV on in the background, for example)?
I can empathise with that feeling. I think it's technically a form of panic attack; I have suspected nerve damage in one arm and cannot have blood drawn from the affected area (if I do, the pain is too much and I experience panic attack symptoms - nausea, sudden over-heating and sweating, light-headedness and vomiting). Apart from avoiding the triggers for it, I have also found that tensing one's core and focusing on breathing helps (this reduces the drop in blood pressure and resulting drop in oxygen to the brain, which is what causes the light-headedness or fainting). I think body horror is a pretty typical trigger for this type of reaction too, so you're definitely not alone there.
I guess time will tell - unfortunately beyond realising yesterday that topics that carry emotional pain are more likely to be problematic, I'm still struggling to identify what makes one topic a problem and another easy to talk about.
Botanical Latin is indeed interesting. I'm still learning how all the Cym species names should be pronounced (very few people get them right) and how the root words that make up the names relate to the plant they are describing (quite a few species are are named for people, so they include the name plus the appropriate suffix, but others are descriptive terms e.g. flava/flavum for yellow).
Thanks! I fully expect it to take a couple of attempts and a bit of time, but hopefully it will result in some progress.
Yeah, I can empathise with being forced to answer / put on the spot like that. I can recall a few stressful interactions where people jumped to conclusions because I couldn't formulate a response and then the whole thing got away from me. Sorry to hear that you were bullied; I think that is a common experience (at least one relative of mine was badly bullied growing up and I suspect I only suffered minimal bullying due to studying via distance education for much of my school years).
Glad you like the username! As you can probably guess, orchids (particularly Cymbidiums) are one of my special interests.
Thanks for sharing that. It's definitely something I want to improve upon (hence asking here!) and will try to discuss it with my therapist at my next appointment. It sounds like you have a very good one and they make a world of difference.
It's interesting that you link your experience to being overwhelmed. I regularly experience issues with overwhelm - when it's bad enough I definitely get that feeling of wanting to run and hide, so I understand exactly what you mean - but I don't think that's what's happening in my particular case when trying to talk about certain things. I guess it feels more like internal resistance than overwhelm.
Considering one of the health issues this year has been severe autistic burnout, I would readily agree with a lot of that. Thanks for the feedback.
Hmm, not sure. I can talk about lots of things (not just special interests) including divisive issues such as politics (and sometimes even when I know I'm likely to receive an unpleasant response), but it's difficult to neatly categorise what types of topics cause this. If I had to guess, it would be topics surrounding my (emotional?) needs that are most likely to trigger this. The current one (and this was a challenge to even type) is the fact that a combination of health+work+life factors is currently making me feel like I'm stuck with no good options to resolve them and hence going to miss out on a lot of things in life that I value.
It's not necessarily dependent on who the other party/parties in the conversation is/are, either. For example, I have an incredibly non-judgemental and compassionate GP and yet one of these instances occurred when trying to work through my health issues this year. My wife is incredibly understanding and patient as well, so it's not as though it's an unsafe environment for the above conversation either.
I also don't recall feeling like this when I know I was nervous/anxious in my teens and early twenties trying to talk to new people (before I became practiced enough at small talk). It could definitely be anxiety, but if it is it's not the typical way I experience it.
Do you struggle to talk about certain subjects?
I've recently been trying to work out how to describe my difficulty talking about certain topics and trying to find out if this is an autism trait, a common co-occuring condition, or just anxiety. Lacking the right search terms hasn't helped in that regard!
Neither selective mutism nor alexithymia seem to be quite the right terms, although it's definitely connected to topics that carry emotional weight. I can have the whole concept or discussion that I want/need to have worked out in my head, but when the time comes my chest really tightens up and my throat feels restricted* and it's like I have to physically push to get the sentences out.
(*) I know that this is a physical indicator of stress and am very much aware that I am stressed in that situation. However, it's not the way I typically experience stress, though (I usually carry that in my shoulders/back and end up with vice headaches from high-stress situations).
It's similar (but definitely not the same) as when I feel like I am bracing myself for a verbal assault (again, that manifests itself specifically in a lot of tension in back). I don't think I'm expecting to be attacked, but it definitely feels like my system is screaming at me to not talk about whatever it is.
This is also distinctly different to when I can't quite explain something or struggle to describe what I am feeling. In those cases I end up taking a minute to work out how to phrase what I am experiencing or describe the concept I am trying to explain (and I almost always have to break eye contact to do this).
Does anyone else experience this sort of difficulty and how would you describe it?
Edited to add clarification (also in one of the comments):
I can talk about lots of things (not just special interests) including divisive issues such as politics (and sometimes even when I know I’m likely to receive an unpleasant response), but it’s difficult to neatly categorise what types of topics cause this. If I had to guess, it would be topics surrounding my (emotional?) needs that are most likely to trigger this. The current one (and this was a challenge to even type) is the fact that a combination of health+work+life factors is currently making me feel like I’m stuck with no good options to resolve them and hence going to miss out on a lot of things in life that I value.
It’s not necessarily dependent on who the other party/parties in the conversation is/are, either. For example, I have an incredibly non-judgemental and compassionate GP and yet one of these instances occurred when trying to work through my health issues this year. My wife is incredibly understanding and patient as well, so it’s not as though it’s an unsafe environment for the above conversation either.
Yes. Endeavour Morse is the first that springs to mind. I'm sure there are others, but would need to think about that more.
I am still in the process of working this out. My field (engineering) has a high proportion of people on the spectrum, but the hobby (special interest) I am most active in currently (orchids) seems to very few. I think I need to try a number of other clubs/societies as well as resurrect some of my other hobbies, but it's a real struggle finding the time and energy to do all of that.
Yeah, IT and engineering (particularly elec, mechatronics and aero) have a very high proportion of people on the spectrum.
I only sought and received a formal diagnosis last year, despite being aware that I met the DSM V criteria for over 15 years prior. I had toyed with the idea over the years, but only pursued it last year for health reasons. Getting a diagnosis meant that I had a few more levers to pull with my employment.
Some selections from my report (I was diagnosed as an adult, but my mother was interviewed as part of the process):
- Sitting in small places/repetitive movements e.g., as a child sitting for hours under mums sewing machine playing with buttons
- Limited playing with toys but fixated areas of interests
- Not allowing foods to touch each other, noted issues with colour and texture of foods
- Very formal language even as a child no child talk