I remembered exactly what you are talking about. This was the closest thing I could find at a glance. Zug seems to have been archived on the Internet Archive so it may have the actual post on there. I also got a good laugh out of the p-p-p-PowerBook saga from SomethingAwful around the same time.

https://blogs.chicagotribune.com/news_columnists_ezorn/2009/08/put-your-shamu-on-the-bottom-line-and-join-the-revolution.html

If you can happen to get to 92, there is something called a Ceiba Crook that is very plain. Almost just straight up a stick, but not perfect. It looks to be a similar color to the guard stick, with the wrapped handle. The Cryptlurker's however is probably the best option.

https://ffxiv.gamerescape.com/wiki/Ceiba_Crook