AITA for not wanting to spend one-on-one time with my sister's husband
AITA for not wanting to spend one-on-one time with my sister's husband
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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/neighborhoodzombies on 2023-06-26 20:43:00+00:00.
Last week my sister’s (30f) husband (32m) asked me (26f) if I wanted to hangout & I said no.
My sister has been married to him for 4 years & he and I have not always gotten along. It’s caused obvious problems in the past but we have worked through it.
The last 2years we have been able to move on & coexist really well within my family bc I thought it was understood what our dynamic is supposed to be.
Last week he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up & get coffee. I honestly have no desire to hangout with him like that so I tried to deflect the invite by suggesting he bring my nephews too & we could go to the park or something & he doubled down on wanting to hangout with me individually to “connect and find common ground.”
Personally, I feel like we don’t need to hangout alone bc, 1. We have a history of getting into it & I don’t want to put myself in any situation where that could happen again, 2. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be hanging out with my sister’s husband by ourselves, and 3. I don’t particularly like him & we have legitimately nothing in common so it just doesn’t feel natural for us to hangout.
I told him that while I appreciate his offer, I don’t think we need to hangout. I said it doesn't feel like an appropriate relationship to have with an in-law IMO & things have been good lately so I don’t think we need to make this relationship any deeper & risk messing anything up.
He was so upset with me & said that he will need to “reflect and think about how this will impact things moving forward bc I cannot accept a sort of false reality where we pretend things are good when they are not.” He said he will be setting a new boundary with me & now my family is really worried he is going to withhold my nephews from me as ‘punishment.’ (Yes he’s that type)
I just wanted to set a clear boundary of what I am comfortable with & I don’t think I should feel any sort of obligation to hangout with him just bc he got married into my family.
I’d also like to add I have 5 other siblings that he has never asked to hangout with alone, only me. AND I have a SIL who has been a part of my family for 9 years now, who I adore her, but we’ve only ever spent alone time together less than 3 times.
It’s now turned into a big problem between me & my sister bc I refused to spend time with her husband. I told her this was my attempt at keeping the peace & meant no harm by it.
I shared with her that I would feel more comfortable if we went through her if there are any future problems between him and I & she told me she does not want to be in the middle.
I made it clear that this does not mean I have any issues with him, I just want us to continue to maintain our relationship the way it is & grow from there.
Hanging out individually is not something I am comfortable with & I was trying to set a boundary with him. AITA for not wanting to hangout with my sister’s husband alone?
Edit: We’ve met several times to discuss ‘our problems’ and it alway just comes down to being fundamentally different. He also is constantly trying to convert me to his beliefs and blaming me for our issues when I won’t budge. I’m not mad but I don’t want to engage or put myself in another situation like that.
So is this a fair summary?
- he reached out to you to communicate about your relationship to "find common ground" so as to make things all around more nice.
- you replied that you weren't comfortable meeting up like that. BUT you didn't reject the notion of finding common ground so as to make things all around more nice.
If that's the case, up to that point i think you're both behaving like reasonable mature adults.
If that's all that happened and he reacted like this: "He was so upset with me & said that he will need to “reflect and think about how this will impact things moving forward bc I cannot accept a sort of false reality where we pretend things are good when they are not.” He said he will be setting a new boundary with me & now my family is really worried he is going to withhold my nephews from me as ‘punishment."
then i would say he's over-reacting, behaving too emotionally.
You sound like you're behaving in a reasonable way, simply trying to set boundaries you're comfortable with in a mature manner without blame or fault-finding. So NTA.
If he actually wanted to be friends he wouldn’t attack your beliefs when you’re obviously not comfortable with it. He sounds like an ass. NTA.
NTA, don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. While I respect that he wants to talk things through, he is acting suspicious by not wanting anyone else there to intervene.