The Closest Planet To Neptune Turns Out To Be... Mercury

Tldr: it's just a property of concentric circles (and it's talking about average distance, not the closest passing).

I've made a diagram using online Paint on my phone, which I think you'll agree is nothing short of perfect.

Basically you're the blue dot (could represent any planet), and the purple is the sun (the middle of the concentric circles). The brown line represents the distance you are from it. The red lines represent orbits closer to it than you. As you can see, the further out the orbit, the more of it lies beyond the brown line. Ergo the closer to the middle the orbit is, the closer it is to you (on average).

Dammit, Mercury! Get back to being closest to the sun right now!

(Yes, I read the article. This is a joke)

Bah. Semantics. “Closest” in the title while leaving out average or most often. Closest could also mean “right now” as well if we want to play with words.

What a stupid and misleading article. Water on the mills of "scientists don't know what they're talking about" conspiracy theorists when it's comparing two entirely different things. "Groupthink" my ass.