complicated feelings
complicated feelings
This was originally posted as a comment under an image in 196,but due to the popularity of 196 I decided to move it to a (Hopefully) less federally public space, due to harassment concerns.
The image was a post saying,
I have so much love in my heart for trans girls like. girls girls girls literally omg youre a GIRL ISNT IT WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! any girl who's been like wish was a girl" and then found out they actually ARE a girl is a precious jewel. I love girls
I love the idea of this, and I'm happy people can feel that way, but deep down inside me, I feel like I haven't "earned" the right to consider the possibility of calling myself a girl/woman.
People afab put up with so much shit and since I haven't felt that side of it it's like trying to be a part of a group that sees you as the enemy trying to act like one of them, you know? That may be extreme but I'm not good at words so that's the best way I can think to phrase the feeling.
Anyone else feel this way?
I will add that I have known and worked with several ftm trans people and don't really have the same feelings the other way around. Basically something "you seem like a dude as far as I can tell/am aware/concerned"
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You're undoing a lifetime of internalised transphobia and misogyny. That doesn't go away overnight, even when you recognise it for what it is. Undoing it is also the work of a lifetime
A lifetime?!
I think I'm realizing internalized opression(the generalized term b idk wtf all is going on) has been my hold up for a while. Like I'm spinning my wheels but can't make and progress.
Also, as dumb as it may sound(always discounting myself) it's always kind of an honor to have you acknowledge a post. I thank you girls so much for this instance! It has been a life saver these past couple of months.
A lifetime?!
Sorry, that sounded a bit more doom and gloom than I meant. What I was trying to get at is that we've always got internalised bullshit going on, and we spend our lives unlearning it. But it's a journey, not a destination. We don't ever get to the point where we don't have anymore work to do.
Which is really meant to say that you should try and give yourself time without being too hard on yourself if you don't get there instantly, and that's as true today as it will be in 50 years. :)
Also, as dumb as it may sound(always discounting myself) it’s always kind of an honor to have you acknowledge a post. I thank you girls so much for this instance! It has been a life saver these past couple of months.
I'm just happy that communities like this have popped up. It's nice to have a safe haven with folk who walk the same path :)
I get that it takes time. Honestly, I think if you wake up one day thinking you have nothing else to learn, or no more growing you need to do, you've lost.
My therapist also reminds me, it's a long process, you don't just wake up one day with all the answers. But that doesn't stop the autistic parts of my brain from being like "NO I NEED ANSWERS NOW! How am I supposed to walk a path I don't know without answers?" but that's how life is anyway.
Right now, the answer is "do the things that help me develop and consolidate my sense of self"
There is a process to that, and if you develop an awareness of what you would like your process to look like, then you may find that embracing the process rather than the final result of that process to be helpful in letting you navigate it all