please act like this title is a really clever old english pun i can't think of any

i suspect this funny tic toc may not be historically accurate

It's not even early modern English. Shakespeare is Early Modern English, and takes more effort to understand than this does. This just uses words and phrases that have been unfashionable for one or two hundred years, and were generally posher than most people used even when they were in vogue.

Where's the guy who speaks in thorns when you need him.