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Critique my campaign ad/synopsis

So I'm gearing up to once again start something and I've got an idea in my head. But once I put it down into something concise it either becomes bloaty or dry. I mean just the parts below are almost a google docs page, pretty much 2000 characters. And that is even when I removed 2/3 of the situation text as it was rather big picture information. Explicitly writing down the campaign style was something I took Colville's recent game design video, trying it out.

What I really would love feedback on is mainly Situation. Enough/too little information? Is it confusing? Does the information fit with the Campaign Style? And also is Campaign Style something fitting in a campaign ad/synopsis?

Situation

You all are part of the third imperially sponsored caravan into the Aablu, the hot and arid lands east of the Pearl Cities. The first caravan went out eight months ago and was expected to have returned two months ago. Second left four months ago with another destination. Yours have the same destination as the first with the additional task of bringing back news of the first.

Information about Aablu is scarce and unreliable, mostly because traders and inhabitants in the Pearl Cities don’t venture into it and its local people consider themselves under no obligation to divulge information. There are of course tidbits of information: old travellers’ journals, hearsay and sales-talk. You are not headed blind into the Aablu, only mostly.

The caravan itself is the size of a small village, with competent people of various professions who are there for their own reasons. Some want to strike it rich, some are running from something, some are there for the glory and some just want a bit of adventure. Your characters are also competent individuals, filling a role in the caravan and have ambition to make something extra of themselves.

Campaign style

Adventurous daring sword and sorcery.

Adventurous - The very nature of the caravan is an adventure and on it are those with an adventurous spirit. When it calls, your characters are those who step up, those who have a bit extra drive to see what is on the other side of the hill.

Daring - Rewarded are those who boldly go where no one has gone before. Daring plans are to be rewarded and there is always a chance to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

Sword and Sorcery (from Wikipedia) - A subgenre of fantasy characterized by sword-wielding heroes engaged in exciting and violent adventures. Elements of romance, magic, and the supernatural are also often present. Unlike works of high fantasy, the tales, though dramatic, focus on personal battles rather than world-endangering matters.

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9 comments

  • Bunch of random thoughts and suggestions incoming.

    You describe a setting but not a campaign. "You're adventurers going into a mysterious desert. Because adventure."

    I'm guessing you have plans for what's out in the mysterious and foreboding desert, but a big part of getting players invested is giving their characters a reason to be there. Something more specific than "I sense adventure that-a-way!" Especially when advertising a game. This description suggests to me a lot of exploration and fighting random monsters. But I may be way off because while some anticipation of the unknown is good, undefined mystery as a campaign hook doesn't give anybody a clue what the game will actually be like.

    And if you're planning to sandbox it and just pull stuff out of your ass in reaction to whatever the players do you should make that clear immediately. First thing. Some people love that sort of game and some people hate it. Personally I'm in the latter and nothing is worse than expecting to be presented with an adventure and at least some clues and hints to start from only to get, "So, uh, big desert! Very mysterious and shit. What do you do?"

    Caravans are trading expeditions. It isn't good business to just wander into unknown and presumably dangerous territory with a bunch of valuable goods unless you know someone is out there who wants to buy your stuff. You send an exploratory expedition first to discover these things, because for all we know the previous groups just aimlessly wandered into the desert and got eaten by giant sandworms or something.

    An exploratory expedition would typically be smaller than "a village" and only need a few skill sets who are there for very specific and clear reasons. A couple diplomats and negotiators to make diplomatic and trading arrangements, some surveyors and cartographers to make maps so the places are no longer uncharted, and some scout and soldier types to protect them. That last part is your adventurers. Considering previous expeditions have gone missing it would seem prudent to send along a larger fighting force because something has clearly prevented those groups from returning.

    An issue with a large expedition is the party getting swallowed up by it. They could specifically be scouts, moving ahead and investigating those weird looking caves over there or such (and allowing the party to act independently to perform narratively important tasks), but this is a specific focus and not a vague "people of various professions who are there for their own reasons." Most players don't make a wizard, barbarian, or paladin because they want to be a random craftsman in a town. Anything in their backstory to that effect is exactly that. Backstory. Setup. Stuff that happened before they became a cool adventurer. Cover that as much as you want in RP discussion, flashbacks, or as part of the character's initial introduction but make clear what the party will actually be doing in the campaign so players can prepare appropriate characters.

    If the idea of a mobile village is important to what you want to do with your campaign then you need a good reason for bakers, blacksmiths, and textile weavers to be wandering off into unknown and presumably hostile territory. Off the top of my head the two things immediately coming to mind are a nomadic community or a large number of refugees looking for a new place to settle after losing their homes in some sort of war/calamity/etc. Both would still need scouts, outriders, and guards as they venture into unknown territory, which is where people with class levels come in, either as part of the original group, hired on, or joining for their own reasons of adventure, altruism, or fleeing something themselves.

    • Excellent points! I suspect OP wants to have the whole caravan in order to not make this a survival/resource management focused campaign so I'll offer a way to do so that would make sense since, as you describe, they shouldn't be bringing a huge trade caravan into the unknown: big old disaster. Some terrible, world changing thing happens and the only way to go is forward, into the now unknown region.

      I think letting them be a shot force works just fine but if OP has some crafting or job based thing baked in an act of God could let them keep that and verisimilitude.

      • The primary reason for such a sizeable caravan is for there to be a consistent cast of background NPCs, not that it is the most efficient or anything. And yes, I cannot be bothered with survival/management if it doesn't serve to drive drama. Instead of asking how long the food lasts I ask how with the people deal with the possibility of food running out.

    • Good reply! And forcing me to think of things. Going to divide it up (probably) due to being on mobile, replying on breaks etc.

      I'm not explicitly running it as a sandbox, it can come through as one I agree. There is a goal, hints and suggestions of a way there and they will know when they have "won" (there and back again). What in between that sure can be described as a sandbox as I very much play to find out. In my head I'm imagining something like the adventure shows of "old": Xena, Star Treks. Go to new place, solve their "problem" (get supplied?) then onwards to next place. Or problem on the way that needs to be addressed. Some call it episodic.

      But there is no big bad evil, don't find much amusement in running such things. The overarching plot being if it makes it or not and the drama within the caravan.

      I think I should in some way add the above to the ad. What do they call it, touchstones? Hopefully it can just be a line along the campaign info (when, where, system etc).

    • Continuing...

      Caravans are trading expeditions

      While mostly true these fit into the larger imperial designs of the empire and have as much a diplomatic goal as that of commerce. They don't have to individually be profitable if they can manage to steer trade directly into the imperial heartland instead of it going through the pearl cities. A bit like trying to redirect the silk road. There will be a Big Picture along the ad that will give more insight into these imperial designs. I've made a note to work something into the ad about about the caravans' purposes, probably remove the dates to free up words.

      issue[s] with a large expedition

      The size of it I've not chosen as any basis in reality but rather for there to be a consistent background cast of NPCs. And then afterwords making reasons why it is as it is. Having it be of the most optimal and efficient design requires it to be organized that way, but with an imperial bureaucracy half based on favours it is far from that. Also as mentioned above it does not need to efficient as it is part of long term imperial designs.

      While they could get swallowed and disappear in the size of it I have the dramatic tool of spotlighting. If the NPCs overshadow the PCs I would be better off writing a book. Should a player be playing a scout type and there is a need for scouting related stuff the spotlight will feature the PC regardless if they are the best or chief scout. If no player plays a scout type then scout stuff either happens off screen or the motley crew has to deal with things outside of their comfort zones. Which tends to be nice change of pace, a bit like comedy episodes.

  • I love it, the question I'm left with is "As a player character, how does this culture impact me?" I can see I'm a competent individual with a role in the caravan sponsored by the empire, but who are the empire? What are the typical beliefs and ideals of the people of the caravan, so I have an idea of how to complement and contrast them? Can I play any race? Can I have knowledge of the desert or play a desert terrain ranger?

    But even without that information you're more than ready, this is a great pitch that I'd love to see as a player. Your audience at the end of this is 3-8 people or whatever and have more than enough here to tell me you have a compelling world that I'd have fun exploring, don't overthink perfection in this hobby where chance and circumstance dictates half the fun and get this to your players.

  • Updated Situation and added Game Information after suggestions in comments. Tagging in @[email protected] @[email protected] @[email protected] (does this work?) @[email protected] (testing testing)

    Campaign Information

    Name: A Game of Caravan
    When: DAY/TIME for 3-4 hours
    System: Is being meditated on (Ironsworn most likely but both Mythras and Conan 2d20 are seriously considered. Swords of the Serpentine and Genesys wildcards)
    Form: Episodic adventures within the larger narrative of the caravan’s fate. Decent media examples being Xena: Warrior Princess, Star Trek: Voyager and the Conan stories published in Weird Tales

    Situation

    The Pearl Cities and its trade is finally under imperial control, its ships leave for imperial ports and exchanges are made in the imperial silver stamps. However the decentralised nature of the trade network going into the Pearl Cities from beyond the Aablu vexes the imperial bureaucracy. With nothing but sand to seize the empire is forced to establish their own presence, their own routes and their own contacts.
    Added this bit to give a bit more on the why. Does it make sense?

    You are all part of the third imperially sponsored caravan into the Aablu. The first one, which had the same destination as you have, is late but not too terribly so. Second, with a different destination, isn’t expected to return yet and hasn’t done so. As the caravan is also to be a mobile embassy it is large, almost the size of a small village.
    First and third paragraph condensed into one. Think there was some information not too important for the ad. But did I remove too much?

    Information about Aablu is scarce and unreliable, mostly because traders and inhabitants in the Pearl Cities don’t venture into it and its local people consider themselves under no obligation to divulge information. There are of course tidbits of information: old travellers’ journals, hearsay and sales-talk. You are not headed blind into the Aablu, only mostly.
    Unchanged

    Removed last paragraph about the size and composition of the van, some details made it into paragraph 2.

    Campaign Style

    Unchanged

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