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It's YOUR day regardless of how important your families consider it to be for themselves. My wife and I kept ours small but still kinda capitulated to both our moms when it came to the ceremony. We've since discussed that if we could do it again we'd just go sign the legal papers at a courthouse and call it good. We got married in the fall with a small reception in our town and then planned a bigger reception the following summer around where I grew up, would you be able to do something similar in both your hometowns? My family lived several hours away but we were close to hers so the logistics of everything weren't as bad as yours but they still kinda sucked. If you two wanna get married then get married in a way that both of you will enjoy and cherish over time, make it a ceremony for you as a couple as not as a ceremony for everyone else. If you both want to keep it small, simple, and affordable then just be practical and do it that way so you can more easily buy a house in the future
Thank you for your comment, very interesting.
We have definitely been thinking about having two parties on each of our sides, that might be an option.
You definitely have a good point about that day being about the couple and not the other people. One of my friend got a nice sum of money from his future in-laws to finance the wedding, but then had to compromise on a few things to make them happy.