Adult daughter. Should I disown her!?
Adult daughter. Should I disown her!?
Edit: LOL love the responses. You ain't wrong...
Edit2: I posted this for giggles and have enjoyed it immensely. Thanks for the "parenting advice" (rolls eyes). My daughter is a shit show, but I wouldn't trade her in for anything. She has three daughters, one of which is exactly like her and the two others are not. So...
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- Thank your daughter for helping you with chores.
- Bring her to the mess and let her see it for herself.
- Kindly ask her why she thinks it turned out that way.
- Ask her what she thinks she can do avoid this kind of thing next time. (This is your opportunity to explain to her how to do things.)
- Kindly ask her to do it again, correctly. (Consider doing it together)
- Tell her she’s awesome for helping out, and that you really appreciate it.
Never be angry. Be patient and supportive. Don’t let frustration escalate.
For an adult? Nah. You can certainly kindly let them know that this isn't really gonna work and explain why (and let them know you appreciate the effort), but the rest of it is way overkill and could easily be seen as patronizing, imo. They're an adult, not a 13 year old.
Also, I interpreted the OP as finding it humorously absurd (which it is) rather than being frustrated or anything.
They’re an adult, not a 13 year old.
As the parent of a 13-year-old, that wouldn't work either. They'd just pout and tell you that you think they can't do anything right.
Not that getting angry helps, that makes it worse. Bargaining can work though. Promising bubble tea from a local cafe if they do it right goes a long way toward committing a teenager to education.
This method of bribery also works on supreme court judges.
As the parent of a 13-year-old, that wouldn’t work either. They’d just pout and tell you that you think they can’t do anything right.
What you described just now is known in teaching circles as a “fixed mindset”. A person decides they can’t do a thing because that’s just how things are. No two people are the same, but you might be able to foster more of a “growth mindset” by continuing that conversation…
“No, don’t sell yourself short. This is just something you’re not good at yet. Come on, let’s see how we can do this better together. It’ll only take a minute.”
I'm pretty sure it's what's known as being a teenager considering it's the way most teenagers I've been around, including myself and my friends when we were teens, act.
Yeah, I was that way with many things as a teen. I still get that way as an adult. I don’t like cooking because I’m intimidated by the effort, and I often tell people I don’t cook well. It’s a fixed mindset. However, I have a student from Poland. She took a family pieroski recipe from her grandmother, translated it into English, and gave it to me because it’s her favorite dish, and she thought I should try it.
Obviously, I had to do it while my wife took pictures. And you know what? They turned out pretty good! In fact, I’d like to do it again, and I think next time I can do them even better.
I think the biggest challenge to fostering a growth mindset is overcoming reluctancy to just try. As a teacher, it’s something I try to listen for from my students.
You can certainly kindly let them know that this isn’t really gonna work and explain why (and let them know you appreciate the effort), but the rest of it is way overkill and could easily be seen as patronizing, imo.
If the goal is to get them to load it correctly, the way the top level poster describe is far more likely to be successful than this. Once someone feels attacked, and telling them 'you're doing it wrong' is most likely to be received as an attack, they go into a defensive mode and will become mostly unreceptive to any further suggestions from you because they will be too busy trying to defend themselves.
You’re absolutely right. In the case of an adult, I’d just take more of a stance of, “look at this crazy thing that happened! lol! Omg I wonder what went wrong” and try to elicit her awareness that way. Then teach through soft suggestion, “maybe we shouldn’t XYZ, huh. Crazy.”
All this plus I think it's important to say to first: be EXTREMELY careful if you feel the need to critique or criticize someone who is being helpful. Really think about if it's worth it. If what they're doing really isn't helping anything then maybe it's worth it!
BUT if you just think they could do it better or if they aren't doing it how you would do it, then think again. You might end up simply discouraging a helpful attitude that would have figured things out on their own if you had just given them a bit of vague encouragement and time.
Right? Is this post wash, and still looking like this, or is this pre-wash?
I am neurodivergent, and really struggle with dishes. Touching other peoples leftover food absolutely disgusts me and it takes a lot of mental effort to do a load of dishes. No one in the house cleans their shit, they just dump it in the sink, and there is nasty stagnant water, left over whole-ass meals, chunks of food floating in gross, opaque liquids.....
I almost threw up just from this description.
If I do a load of dishes, I have adopted the reality that some shit will have to be ran through twice. I'm not aiming for perfect, I'm just trying to get it done.
It’s definitely pre-wash. The pink tub would have collected water otherwise.
In any case, it’s overful. A simple “hey, thanks for doing that, but if we fill too much, it struggles. We can run it more often if we need to, but I really appreciate the effort!” Is probably sufficient to the cause,
overfull
You could definitely fit those things in there. There are blank spots.
The e bowls need to stand much more vertical so you can clean multiple at a time. If you stand them right - they don't take much more room than plates.
It could also be sufficient to deflate her morale.
In my tight friend group, you can do that and it works. But I’ve learned through lots of communication failure that different people view criticism as meaning different things.
One person might take that as “oh hey some helpful feedback” and another might take that as “he thinks I’m worthless”.
Overall, we should strive to create people who can take the criticism for the help that it is. But that’s not where we’re at.
Hey just a semantic point: overcoming disgust to perform a gross task is emotional work, not mental work.
I wonder if there’s some word that’s the equivalent of courage, but for disgust instead of fear.
If what they're doing really isn't helping anything then maybe it's worth it!
Maybe not even this. Because if she’s providing positive help elsewhere, that could disappear if she’s criticized on this thing.
Bring her in and tell her the things she did wrong, and how it means she doesn't love you, and tell her to bring a chair with a cushion because it's going to be a long talk.
That’s really nice thank you