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It's ok,I know what you mean. I would honestly rather not have sex anymore because of my circumstances being very difficult, but if I met someone who was interesting and read books and listened to music and dressed well, and took an interest in me and was happy to see me and make an effort to get to know me, and if he was 20 years younger than me, sure why not? As long as he was a good listener about how I like to do it, because I'm different than other women in how I like to get off.
But this man has overall been a disaster for me, masquerading as someone good, but just really cut from the same cloth as his malignant narcissist mother, which is pretty bad. He accused me tonight of some things that were pretty ugly, and that's hard. I'd love to spend some time with someone who actually seemed to like me all of the time. I'm writing this while on my Ambien so it's hard to articulate.
I haven't had sex in like four years. Or maybe I stopped counting at four years.
It's not like I'd find it hard to pull in this city, but I'm just not interested and in my current situation I don't really feel like writing up dating adverts.
I got enough of casual sex in my twenties. As in usually a new partner, so the sex was often pretty shit as I think it takes a few times to learn what your partner likes so you can... harmonise.
But this man has overall been a disaster for me, masquerading as someone good, but just really cut from the same cloth as his malignant narcissist mother
I've not dated men but I'm do understand the type you're talking about.
He accused me tonight of some things that were pretty ugly, and that's hard.
Its demeaning and (mildly) traumatising and I'm sure he did it in a way that he reasoned it in some way to make everything implicitly your responsibility as if relationships weren't two-way.
I'll pop an Ambien to that as well. Should do at this point honestly it's 5.30 am.
Cheers. It's just under a different brand name here in Finland.
He told me I was a deceptive little cunt and accused me of withholding money from my paycheck; one of my paychecks per month is smaller than the other simply because it's the one my benefits and union dues come out on. I've worked there 20 years, and this pay pattern has always been this way. I have no idea where this psychosis suddenly came from. I have never hidden money in my life and would never. I think he got this idea because I do surveys for money, managed to save a lot of money to go clothes shopping, and I think he just couldn't believe I made that much. I'm just tenacious. I've made thousands doing this. It's super weird.
I should have left when his mother treated me like trash the first time I met her and ever since, and when I found out he lied to me when we first met in that he didn't tell me he was in a relationship, or when he smashed the fish tank, or ran over a squirrel just to upset me, or any number of things. And I'm so financially fucked I can't do anything.
I don't think I'll ever have a relationship ever again even if I get out of this. How could I trust anyone? I don't blame you for not doing it. It's so much work and so hard.
Ambien is a weird drug under any name and I've done some weird shit on it, but otherwise I'd never go to bed. My friend decoupaged her dishwasher with subway maps on Ambien one night.
Sounds like he didn't respect women much.
Insecure men, annoying and dangerous, usually very sexist and overall disrespectful as well.
I mean I don't know him must have had some redeeming qualities once. Or not. Infatuation is just such a powerful drug that we literally don't see bad sides in people we fall for.
I can feel your frustration about that, because you had a good reason and there was no reasoning with him. So how do you reason with someone unreasonable? We don't, unfortunately.
It may have been brewing a long time and this just broke the camel's back who knows.
So it doesn't seem that weird to me, because I've only heard this bit.
Okay reading on maybe some of those things should've been the trigger for leaving, but hindsight is always 2020. I can try imagining being in an abusive relationship, but my imagination isn't perfect. I've seen enough drama to know how hard it can be though. Or at least enough to imagine I can understand.
Yeah I haven't had a long term relationship in a long time, basically just one multiyear long one, then some months long ones and lots of casual nights. My first long term relationship and then I found out my then best friend (who had been my best friend since birth) and girlfriend had had sex and that she had been fucking around quite a lot and it just kinda broke it.
I've had infatuations a few times after that, but the previous one was like 10 years ago. So I don't much hold hope either, but I do still have hope that my life situation will change and I'll manage to fall for someone who falls for me as well. I would sort of like to have children but I don't want to be too old to play with them. But I always delude myself I'll make it big and become a celebrity and then have kids at 70, idk.
Yeah Ambien can be weird yeah. One should take them when one actually goes to bed, I think, but I often end up taking half and then waiting for it to come on a bit because I'm won't go to bed otherwise. But then sometimes, you'll take the next one and still "oh, I'll just finish this episode real quick" and before you know it you've done 4 and you're not really sleepy anymore.
Lots of drug effects rely on a biological biphasic response, meaning that a small dose of a substance might make you sleepy whereas a lot will perk you up. Whereas things like alcohol and cannabis, they first perk you up and give energy, but if you do a big dose, you'll get sedated.
But yeah it's the only actually functioning sleep med for me and I've tried a ton of different meds. Well, not the only functioning one, but the only functioning one which doesn't debilitate me for 48 hours or make my mouth taste like cat piss for the next day. Anytime I end up taking a few too many I start planning on cleaning and doing all sorts of shit. Which isn't that good at like 5-6am in an apartment building.
My friend decoupaged her dishwasher with subway maps on Ambien one night.
But like... on the outside, right? (I only ask because I know the spirit of the substance, lol.)
Can definitely make you do weird shit, as this story featuring Channing Tatum shows
On the outside yes haha. I think she stopped taking it after that. And it's the only one that works for me either. It's just so weird!
He had redeeming qualities but he is always a manipulator and liar under it all. I really should have left long ago. He seems different than typical douchy men in that he's progressive at least as a front, but he's said some racist shit to me in private when in a rage that speaks the truth to who he is, despite liking black history, etc. I keep thinking about his mother lately who I haven't seen in over 20 years, and the weird things she would do to pit her kids against each other, and dismay people by giving them gifts of literal trash. You know when people ask what the worst Christmas gift you ever got was? She would give me her very used bathrobe and other things that would be literally garbage to anyone else, that she had picked up off the ground, simply so people would be disturbed and provoked by her. She wore mosquito netting to her daughter's outdoor wedding because West Nile was an issue that year, and is smirking in all the pictures under it. My therapist calls this malignant narcissism, and while he doesn't give gifts of trash, instead he'll buy me something that's really unique and thoughtful, but if you understand the subtext it really all belongs to him, and it's so he can post pictures on Instagram to display his fine taste in things. If I moved out and tried to take those things with me, it would quickly become clear who they really belong to. I basically own my clothes, books, and toiletries, and everything else is his. It's partly why I can't move out.
I wish I had had children. But not with him. I would have liked to foster kids, I would be very good at that. I hold babies and kids at church all the time and will babysit their kids, and it's so much fun for me. I wish I had taken a different pathway. I grew up with a BPD mom, who is really dangerous and vicious and manipulative, and my therapist says when you've been traumatized by a parent like that, someone who is similar will seek you out and try and make it seem like they've rescued you.
I'm just sorry it all turned out this way. The rest of my life is reasonably happy if quiet, but this is a huge thing.
I'm sorru for sort of stopping thr conversation.
I don't want to offend you in any way.
I'll just link a music video that'll convey feelings so I don't have to comment on anything specific.
No offense at all. This was beautiful and thank you for reminding me.