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Young Boy with Barber
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
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You know your vitamin rich bread right?
Well, you've heard of fortified 🍞 bread. You have it in sandwiches 🥪 or with milk 🥛. But wouldn't you rather have fiftified bread? How about sixtified bread, that must be way better. Why always fortified? Or how about it it got better each year? You know, today it's fortified, next year it's fortisixed?
This is an original joke. You've heard it only here! Exclusive.... I'll see my self out.
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they all laughed....
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian!
Well, they're not laughing now!
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They're releasing yet another zombie animal movie.
I wish they'd stop beating this dead horse.
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There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.
Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.
He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the next week.
The next week rolls around, and Johnson goes back to see what kind of ad Jim has put together for him. Jim has Johnson sit down, and pops in a USB drive.
A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He's screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles and says "You always know you're doing the job right when you use Johnson nails!"
Johnson is irate. He yells at Jim, accusing him of trying to run him out of business. Jim manages to calm Johnson down, and begs for another chance. Reluctantly, Johnson agrees, and they set up a meeting for next week.
Johnson shows up to the meeting expecting to be disappointed, despite Jim's assurances that this time everything will be fine. Jim pops in a USB drive and the scene begins. It's a beautiful desert scene, the blue sky merging perfectly with the rolling dunes. Suddenly, a naked, bearded man comes running from off screen, being followed closely by a pack of Roman centurions. The camera pans in on the group, and one of them, sweating and panting says sadly, "I guess we should have used Johnson nails."
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How many Alzheimer's sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
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When you have life insurance, but no car insurance.
When you have life insurance, but no car insurance. @jokes
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"Hey, can I try feeding your snake?"
"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."
"Your snake eats... Bread?"
"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."
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I agonized about this question for a long time, until threw up my hands in frustration.
"Why the fuck did I eat them?"
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Cold, Hard Yo Mama Snaps
www.mcsweeneys.net Cold, Hard Yo Mama Snaps…Yo mama so fat… the doctor told her she was at risk of serious heart disease and she would most likely die prematurely. Yo mama so stupid… that a...
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Probably my favourite joke from Crash Course Science.
!The caption "polar" with a picture of a polar bear
Source video: https://yewtu.be/watch?v=PVL24HAesnc
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The wokes have gone too far this time...
I just heard KIDS are learning about PRONOUNS in school!!
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They teach defensive driving courses, why not offensive driving?
How am I supposed to boost my k/d ratio if I don't know how to drive offensively?
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I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility
She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.
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I got arrested for putting two different metals in a saline solution.
Got charged with a salt and battery.
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Reality is pretty much only in your imagination...
Player: I dunno...reality is pretty much only in your imagination
No one: and what is there in reality, your poor imagination?
https://youtu.be/KFrv57zoPq0
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Instead of going on a diet, try buying British weight loss pills!
They'll get rid of your pounds one way or another!
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Binary or not... you're still binary.
From https://www.reddit.com/r/technicallythetruth/comments/pb8thl/binary_or_not_youre_still_binary/.compact
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"Hey, you're the developer I hired, right? Are we ready to build the apartment complex on my land?"
"No, but I just finished the sick website for it!"