Search

Edit: For those new to the world of Internet-based-Wrestling-discussions - Kayfabe News is the very long time pro wrestling version of The Onion/The Beaverton/Insert Your Parody News Website Of Choice Here. I was hoping this wouldn't need to be stated on a wrestling community 🤦‍♂️

Original:

> > > During a call with shareholders today, WWE executive Hunter Hearst Helmsley announced the company’s new “Get the F back here!” campaign, and unveiled the company’s new logo — an exact replica of its classic shiny WWF logo. > > > > “Nobody ever liked that word ‘entertainment’ except Vince,” said Helmsley, who then listed further immediate changes he is making within the resurrected WWF: > > > > * The term “wrestling” is now allowed again, and uttering the term “sports entertainment” is now a fireable offence > * Wrestlers may wear Zubaz pants if they prefer > * Referees will wear blue shirts and black bowties, like they’re supposed to > * Hyperactive camera zooming is banned entirely > * The big blue steel cage will return > > > > A representative from the World Wildlife Fund said Helmsley “has no legal right to the WWF acronym,” but also said “we’re pretty excited to see where Triple H takes professional wrestling from here, so we’re gonna let it slide.” > >

@SquaredCircle#WWEraw CM Punk and Jack Perry to star in reboot of Total Divas

> > > Fans of the long-running “reality” program Total Divas are abuzz today after the announcement that the series will return starring two of the biggest divas in wrestling today, CM Punk and Jack Perry. > > > > Sparks will fly when these two feisty hellcats are forced to co-exist in Divas Mansion, followed 24-7 by cameras, alongside some of wrestling’s other biggest Divas. > > > > Punk and Perry, who scratched and hair-pulled during a highly publicized catfight backstage at a recent AEW event, will be joined the program by Divas including: > > > > * Shawn Michaels, the 67-year-old bushman who still calls himself The Heartbreak Kid with a straight face > * Ryback, a voracious eater with a quirky personality > * Low-Ki, a deep-voiced Diva nicknamed Hi-Maintenance > * Hulk Hogan, a self-described former bassist for U2 > > > > Longtime fans of Total Divas should expect the upcoming season to be just as insufferable as they’ve come to expect. > >

> > > The merger of UFC and WWE is complete: Endeavor and WWE announced the close of their deal to create TKO Group Holdings — and the mastermind behind the plan turns out to be media mogul Ted Turner. > > > > In what many Wall Street pundits are describing as “epic corporate revenge,” Turner seems to have orchestrated the merger of UFC and WWE as retaliation against his former nemesis, WWE honcho Vince McMahon. > > > > “I’m back in the rasslin’ business,” said Turner this morning at the New York Stock Exchange. “And now I’m in the ultimate fightin’ business too!” Turner then hollared “yee-haw” while firing a pair of revolvers into the air. > > > > McMahon appears to have been duped by a classic “swerve” — the kind he would have crafted himself in his craftier days — and admitted that “Ted has finally won the Monday Night Wars.” > >