Dear Daughter - The Beginning of the End

Dear Daughter,

I love you unconditionally. It's been a while since I last wrote a letter to you. You are so beautiful and so small, truly a gift sent from heaven. I love you more than anything.

I love your mom but things have not been going well between us. I don't know who she is anymore; she seems like a different person to me. As a result, we have been struggling to get along, and I am exhausted from the frustrations of trying to understand the direction of our marriage. I admit that I may have been harsh in my emails and text messages, sometimes getting angry over her apparent indifference. This anger likely stems from my frustration with her lack of effort to work on our marriage and acknowledge the efforts I have made to keep our relationship together. Whenever I try to discuss anything with her, she shuts down and refuses to talk. Sometimes, she even accuses me of being verbally abusive. I know what verbal abuse is, and I am confident that my frustrations do not fall into that category. However, these accusations only add to my frustration. Moreover, your mom is spreading rumors to my family that I am abusive and an alcoholic, and they are beginning to believe her. I've seen what abusive people and alcoholics are like, and I know I am neither. This situation is new to me, and I am unsure how to handle it. I try to apologize to your mom and tell her that I love her but she isn't really receptive of it.

Understanding what your mother desires has been a challenging task for me. Despite her continuous harsh criticisms of me to my family and direct insults, she accuses me of being verbally abusive. She persistently labels me as a bad father and husband, dismissing my efforts as inadequate. At the same moment, she claims that I don't support her enough in caring for you, yet she often refuses my attempts to help with you. I love her but I just cannot understand.

I acknowledge that initially, I was apprehensive about caring for you and it took me some time to adapt to this new responsibility. However, my intention has always been to support your mother and to provide her some help from the constant demands of childcare, because I love her. I really want to help and be a part of your upbringing. I do hope she changes her mind about giving me more responsibility.

I vividly remember the day you resisted your afternoon nap – napping is never your thing. On that day, as I held you in my arms, I created some music on my keyboard, while cradling you gently. I recorded the melody and played it back to you, and to my amazement, you fell asleep. This wasn't just a one-time miracle; it happened several times. However, instead of sharing my astonishment and joy, your mother seemed envious of this bond and success.

We attempted to see a marriage counselor, but your mom accused him of being sexist, so I had to find another counselor. During the many sessions with the second counselor, your mom just sat there, often accusing me of wrongdoing, without admitting any faults of her own. Sometimes, she would sit silently while I poured my heart out for the entire session. The counselor acknowledged that I've made significant efforts to work on our marriage, but she has not said the same about your mom. In our last session with this counselor, I expressed my frustration that your mom never contributes to the discussions. When the counselor confronted her, she began to list numerous complaints about me, calling me a bad father, a bad husband, and a drunk. She said I was useless and that she hated me. Despite this, after the session, your mom still wanted me to go out for sushi with her. I initially declined, preferring to go home, but she pleaded and begged, so I agreed, thinking she might have had second thoughts. However, at the restaurant, she showed total disinterest in any conversation, making me wonder why we had even gone there. The place wasn't very crowded. I noticed a couple entering the restaurant as we were leaving; your mom gave them a strange look, and then they looked at me nervously. It was an extremely awkward situation that I can't fully explain

My reflections on those counseling sessions are that I truly poured my heart into them. I took the blame for things that, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have. I even admitted to things that weren't entirely true, just to appease your mother. At the time, I thought that's what men should sometimes do: take the blame to make peace. However, I now believe that adopting that mentality was a mistake.

It would break my heart to see this marriage fall apart, especially at your age, depriving you of the chance to fully experience what a family is all about. Such an outcome would cause me great emotional pain and distress. I'm unsure how much longer I can endure what is happening. I love your mom but the unfortunate truth is that our marriage may be nearing its end.

Love,
Your Dad