egotism
egotism
Is it normal to feel/become so much more egotistic/self-absorbed (maybe become more aware about how egotistical you already are?) on acid? Is it possible to minimise or outright prevent those tendencies, during trips (or even just in day to day life)? I love almost everything about acid experiences except those ones that make me confront how sad, lonely and terrible of a person I am lol.
I guess, in some ways, bad trips are also good in that they can be really quite sobering and prevent me from outright abusing the stuff.
Similarly, if it weren't for the fact that ayahuasca tastes so fucking terrible and causes me to puke my guts out literally every single time, I reckon I'd probably consume it on the reg as I love the way it makes me feel like I'm one with everything and makes me forget who I am as an individual (not to mention all the pretty images of course). But unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), it tastes like what I imagine Satan's bunghole probably tastes like.
There are several schools of thought on the ego, one of the more prominent ones being the conquering or killing of the ego. I personally found a lot more clarity in understanding and accepting the ego, seeing it as a part of my mental and emotional landscape that focuses on meeting my basic needs. I definitely agree however that it can be aggressive and loud, drowning out higher order of thought and interfering with oneness mentality.
It sounds like your ego is trying to communicate something, like an unhappiness or discontent with your present situation. If you're in a good spot to do so, I advise listening to what it has to say even if it is very uncomfortable and sobering and unsettling. Make a list too if it helps. I've done this and as wildly uncomfortable and downright depressing it can get, it can also offer unparalleled clarity into what needs are not being met. And we humans are no strangers to neglect.
Above all else, trust your gut. And throw away any and all parts of this advice/feedback as needed. It's the advice I wish I had when I was in a similar situation
There are a couple things in your post that gives me pause. It sounds like you’re having a pretty tough time with how you feel about yourself. You say you recognize that it’s probably good to have the sobering effects but are still seeking use without that constraint.
Like mentioned by someone else, it may be a good idea to look at what the trip is telling you.
You might consider that working on why it is you feel that way could be the best way to remove it from your experience.
I think it’s entirely likely to become more introspective about your behavior on a trip. You might consider what “egotistical” even means and if the traits you see in yourself are worth changing. Thinking of one’s self positively is not inherently wrong.