Any adoption experiences? Especially if you have both your own kid and an adopted kid.
Any adoption experiences? Especially if you have both your own kid and an adopted kid.
I am pretty against having a kid of my own for many reasons (scared of pregnancies, scared of babies, awful genepool, etc.) but I do like kids, and am not against adopting a kid. It's just rare to see many parents with adopted kids, so I'm always curious about the process. I'm getting a tubal in a few months, so I guess I'm just asking all my questions early lol
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I was adopted as an infant via a closed process (Mormon) in the late 70s, as was my adoptive sister (technically she was a fully private adoption, but it was all very Mormony too), have several other adopted friends and acquaintances, and I have been active in seeking out adoption communities to process things.
First things first, in the US there’s something like ten nominally qualified adoptive couples in the system for each healthy infant not in foster care. If nothing else, that should put you off of any notions that you have some calling or obligation to adopt. Frankly, I like your stated reasons better than the ill-informed people with savior complexes. The demand also feeds some unsavory practices that indirectly apply market forces to a process that should not be within a hundred miles of them. Basically, when it comes to American infants, get in line, pressure no one, and painful as it might be, find the silver lining to a birth mother changing her mind.
Second, something that was ignored in my day, and is still a struggle today even with things being much better, is recognition of the fact that adopting is creating a non-traditional family. There is a larger constellation of stakeholders and a different set of challenges at every phase of life. While it can be oversimplified to ignore that it may still be the best choice, the fact remains that adoption necessarily means that a trauma has occurred and a natural bond has been broken, and you will also be raising a child who doesn’t share your genes, which is a double edged sword.
If you’re up for the challenge, and there’s no shame if you’re not, fostering with an openness to adopt is the most socially healthy way to proceed, but going in with an open mind and an open heart can make “regular” adoption perfectly viable. You just have to accept that you would be raising a child who has a story, however brief, that involves people who aren’t you, and that your child owes you no more than any natural born child would.
for each healthy infant not in foster care.
Those are two huge qualifiers though. There are nowhere near enough people who want (or are able) to adopt kids who have special needs or are in foster care. And from what I understand, just a foster parent adopting a kid they are fostering is a massive hill to climb.
You’re not wrong at all, but people interested in fostering older and/or special needs kids generally come into the process more clear-eyed, or if not then they get there before long.
I have nothing but respect for the big hearted people who take that on, and adoption when the bio-family constellation is irretrievably broken is perfectly sensible and loving.
The “market” for healthy infants just puts a lot of perverse incentives into the US system, from “pay to play,” to pressuring and deceiving birth mothers, to pushing it all onto foreign countries with even fewer guardrails. Not that this reflects ill intent on the part of adoptive parents, but that part of the system has definitely got a dark side.
thank you for the insight! honestly, I think I lean more towards the fostering side than the infant side. I am definitely wary of the challenge, though, so I think thats what inspired me to ask here. Lots of stuff to keep in mind.