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I was diagnosed late, two years ago at 26, exactly like a couple of these women! It took me 8 years of on/off college to earn my B.S. I could never keep my apartment clean and felt so ashamed of how gross I was compared to my peers. I could never finish projects, stick with hobbies, I couldn’t even finish video games (except Nancy Drew lol). My diagnosis was such a relief, a burden lifted.
I still experience bouts of grief, imagining the life I could have led if I was diagnosed at a young age. My younger brother is autistic, and my parents weren’t aware of ADHD symptoms, so they never recognized that I was also neurodivergent. My needs took the backseat every time, because I wasn’t diagnosed with autism I was always expected to defer to whatever my brother needed/wanted. My relationship with my mother was severely impacted by her only caring about what happened to my brother, she didn’t care about my needs.
I remember sobbing in my room at the age of 7, because I realized that my mom loved my brother more than me. She came in and comforted me, reassured me that it wasn’t true, and I thought things would change. They didn’t. Every issue, no matter how small, she would side with him, never me, not once. It led to a lot of resentment towards my mom and brother, me and my dad would “team up” because my mom did the same thing to my dad (who was also later found out has ADHD, among other things). My mom now thinks she might be autistic as well, but my parents don’t have the means to get her tested atm.
My relationship with my mom has improved a lot now that I’m an adult, am diagnosed, and have moved out. My mom has realized a lot of the harm she did, apologized, and is working to change it. My brother, not so much.
I find it extremely difficult to be back home for too long, because my brother doesn’t know how to grow out of this dynamic. He still expects his every desire to be fulfilled no matter how I feel. We have discussed this so many times, each time he says he understands and things do get better for a week or two, then we’re back to square one. I’m tired. I grieve a relationship I wish I had with my brother, I wish we could be close and rely on each other, but I am the only one that gives.
Sorry, wow, this really turned into an outpouring of emotion. I’m really tempted to just delete it all but I’m trying not to do that as often. I typed this all up, I must want to share, I just feel ashamed for some reason.
I wanted to let you know that your story resonated deeply with me. We had a similar family dynamic in parts (esp. the teaming up by apparent neurotypes), only nobody is officially diagnosed (I'm still waiting for results), which made it even harder to make sense of for a long time. So I feel for you!
During my university years especially, I also struggled heavily with keeping up with household stuff, which made me quite the unpopular flat mate... it's a huge source of shame for me, and still affects me to this day (though I'd like to believe I've gotten better).
Thank you for sharing, even if it is uncomfortable, it made me feel less alone with these experiences - so please don't feel like you have to apologize :)
I relate to so much of what you wrote. Especially bouts of grief about what could have been had I been diagnosed earlier. Please know you are not alone, and your sharing made a difference in my day as I feel less alone, too.