You have five minutes to talk to your pets where they can fully understand every word you tell them. What do you say?

When I point with my finger at something, look where I point, not at the fucking finger!

Please don’t bite or scratch hard enough to draw blood when we’re playing. I wouldn’t even clip your claws if you were a bit more gentle!

When you want to play, bring a toy to me that you want to play with instead of just roaming the house shouting, ffs.

And of course, I love you and you’re a good cat.