I Am Not Always Very Attached To Being Alive: Living With Passive Suicidal Ideation
I Am Not Always Very Attached To Being Alive: Living With Passive Suicidal Ideation
Chronic, passive suicidal ideation is like living in the ocean. Let’s start talking about how to tread water.
At 27, I’ve settled into a comfortable coexistence with my suicidality. We’ve made peace, or at least a temporary accord negotiated by therapy and medication. It’s still hard sometimes, but not as hard as you might think. What makes it harder is being unable to talk about it freely: the weightiness of the confession, the impossibility of explaining that it both is and isn’t as serious as it sounds. I don’t always want to be alive. Yes, I mean it. No, you shouldn’t be afraid for me. No, I’m not in danger of killing myself right now. Yes, I really mean it.
How do you explain that?
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It is so amazing to read an article I can relate to so well. Because as someone who feels very similarly and constantly about the pointlessness of life but not always an active suicide plan, it also feels lonely. Not lonely as in having no one around me but lonely as in that there's no one else who truly understands how I feel about life. Because when I mention it, my therapists get worried and want to talk about a safety plan. I’m glad I have a safety plan but that’s not what I’m going through. I just don’t know what’s the purpose of my life in this world sliding toward doom and so i keep getting automatic thoughts that I’d be better off dead. Which is different than I want to kill myself. And so I don’t talk about it most of the time.
I’m grateful for the bravery of the author to write about this feeling so well and put this article out into the world. It made me feel a little less alone.
Nihilism is a bitch.
Nihilism can be incredibly liberating—IF one is willing to put in the hard work of self-actualization. Finding meaning in an apathetic universe is inherently difficult. Way easier, but less fulfilling, to just float on wherever.
Recognizing life’s inherent meaninglessness not as a source of despair but as an opportunity to live more fully and freely allows one to create their own meaning, focus on the present, and find joy in the experiences and relationships that life offers.
I mean, it’s also not permission to be a completely selfish narcissist asshole either—what we do and say does matter to others; but the universe is billions of years old and will continue to exist for gazillions more. Might as well make the best of it while you can.
Ah, good ol' optimistic nihilism. Other animals don't give a shit about whether or not there's a meaning to life - they just do it. We humans have the power to create meaning, enough that our emotions can be affected by mere sounds, words, or the presence of others. Make life mean what you want it to and don't worry about intrinsic meaning - it doesn't matter. What matters is what we believe matters.
Funnily enough South Park really drilled this in to me with their imagination land series lol
I never considered Imagination Land to be optimistic nihilism, but I can see it!
I’ve never pondered or looked into optimistic nihilism. but your description hit me right in the face with it 😆
One of my favorite quotes is Nihilists with a good imagination so maybe that’s what tied it all together for me