It's a problem that's comes up surprisingly often for many of us, I'm sure. Just last night, I mistook a false column for a large animal, and only after charging the beast multiple times with my trusty umbrella did I come to realize I'd been duped yet again by big column.
You’re not alone in that my good chap. In my time I’ve had a series of rows with false columns. The things tend to loom quite suddenly when one least expects them.
Apologies for the late response, old bean, but I've only just returned from hospital.
I'm afraid it's my wife, you see; she was diagnosed with false column disease. We grieved in the waiting room, and by the time we made it back home, it'd already begun to take effect. She's gone now.
I will miss her company, but I must say the structural integrity of my domicile, in particular the patio that she tended to favor, appears to have increased precipitously, at least on a surface level.