Spouse having trouble adjusting [transfem]
Spouse having trouble adjusting [transfem]
She acknowledged that I did talk to her about it beforehand, but hasn't been able to properly process it yet.
We're OK, I'm just venting.
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I want to ask a genuine question and I am sorry in advance if it comes as rude, this is not my goal.
When coming out to your partner (if you've done it or plan to do it), what were/are your expectations of your partner?
I am asking because I absolutely love my GF (we've been together for 13 years and have kids), but sexuality is a big part of the relationship and if she told me she was trans, I could not be in a relationship with a man. I am simply not sexually attracted to men, and I am a monogamist, and that particular scenario would be a no go for me.
I really want to iterate that I am genuinely interested in hearing your stories, good or bad, if you want to share.
Thanks
No problem. I wondered about the same thing until it turned out I was the trans one :P
There are lots of ways coming out could have gone horribly wrong, but I figured there were three "right" options.
- Wife isn't interested in being married to a woman. Fair enough; result is an amicable split, presumably sharing child-raising responsibilities.
- Wife not attracted to women but wants to stay together. Continue to cohabit as some kind of non-sexual family unit, possibly seeing other people on the side.
- Wife realizes she's bi / willing to make an exception. Lesbian partners!
I guess I was prepared for 1, expecting 2, and hoping for 3. Currently at 2, but it could go either way.
In any event, I think it's unreasonable to expect someone who needs to transition to put it off for the sake of their partner, although not every trans person needs to transition.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
When i read stories like that, it feels like women are much more accepting that their husband/boyfriend is trans than the flip side. This is totally unsubstantiated though, so take it for what it is : an uneducated opinion.
I absolutely agree with you that a trans person shouldn't put it off for their partner, but it must feel scary as fuck to come to term with that and telling your partner. It's a big leap and I have nothing but admiration for people being this honest with themselves.
Kudos to you and I wish you the best.
Thanks!
I suspect the difficulty some men may have with accepting a trans partner is due to internalized homophobia / toxic masculinity. It's very easy to think "of course I'm not bi / trans / whatever" without ever actually considering the possibility (at least it was in my case). The same can apply to women, of course, but perhaps women culturally face a little less pressure in that respect at least?
And you are exactly right: coming out, even just to myself at first, was scary as fuck. But worth it!