cross-posted from: https://lemmygrad.ml/post/1157580

> I used the webapp version to browse, never registered. I find seeing photos of others, makes me jealous and self conscious, not saying bad about myself, just that I feel jealous of what features others have. Not healthy mindset for sure. I like it, more conversation focused, not "look what I have". Congrats to mastodon for being better community wise over fb or twitter.

• Usual: voices have no meaning, no voice, repetitions of certain phrases, few seconds, Idling. The following are special recent cases that stood out.
• Encounter one: unintelligible conversation with an inanimate object (Tomato), thoughts, whispering voice, meaning: sabotage of someone I know, few minutes, Idling.
• Encounter two: stapler in right hand, pin in left backhand hand, no memory, Idling.
• Encounter three: conversation with mirror(?) reflection(?), rhythmic beat tapping with nails, nonsensical, meaning: fight(?), few minutes, Idling.
• Encounter four: unintelligible voices, a need for isolation, emotional weight with no link, 2 days, Idling.
• Recent encounter: unintelligible voices, attempts at detaching fingernails, few seconds, Reading a book.

I feel like help is an illusion.

Frankly, I need to start using this with deciding on "what to read next" and "what to study next."

I feel like I have been deteriorating for months. I haven't wanted to do anything and talk to anyone. Even playing video games feels like more work than I'm willing to do. I don't want to leave bed and just want to sleep permanently.

I'm lucky that I work from home and have a slow enough job that I can regularly shirk responsibility without anyone noticing. I'm also lucky that I still live with my parents and have some people around. But I can't keep living like this. Despite having a full time job, I'm living like a NEET.

I'm already seeing a therapist and getting medication from a shrink. That doesn't seem to be making a difference. Between support from professionals and family members and professionals, I'm getting more than enough help for most people to get back on their feet. Yet for some reason it's not enough for me.

I can only conclude at this point that the reason I'm continuing to get worse is that I refuse to take personal responsibility. I know "personal responsibility" isn't enough in most cases where systemic issues keep people down, but I'm ridiculously privileged, as in "has never faced anything resembling real hardship" privileged. The system is set up for shits like me to do well and I still can't pick myself up. It doesn't help that I have less self discipline than a teenage twitter anarchist who wants to abolish bedtime.

How do I get myself to stop being so lazy and do something? I'm tired of being little more than a parasitic slug.

i have biolar 1 with psychotic features. what illness you got from these people?

I’m very sorry for rambling and writing terribly. It’s very late where I am and I feel exhausted after spending all day fighting myself again. I’ve been putting off sending a post like this for a while, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Hopefully I make at least a little sense. I just started typing and wrote from my heart without looking back. Thank you for reading.

I’m just very confused and its destroying my mental health. Thinking of the future in general is soul sucking. I don’t have dreams of traveling anymore, or going out with friends, or having a family or a high paying job. All I have is stress and fear from the very idea of working 40+ hour weeks at a dead end capitalist job with no vacations, no benefits, no sick days, playing a capitalist rat race, not having enough money to save up and support myself, and not having enough time or money to do anything interesting or worthwhile. I feel like I’m trapped in a cruel hell.

I’m currently in the college hell of trying to determine what to major in, and more importantly pursue in the future as a career or field. I’m quite lost and extremely anxious going through this. I feel that most of my interests are laughable and/or translate to poorly paying jobs, or are social “negatives” that can only be rarely applied in a very niche collection of spaces in a capitalist system (i.e. Marxism). For example I was very interested in political sciences, but jobs are one in a million if I weren’t to pursue academia or law which I’m not particularly interested in. Even then what little jobs there are are pretty much all for neoliberal, conservative, and imperialist; corporations, thinktanks, and government institutions. Along with that, all my dreams of the future feel empty and impossible now, as I have a hard time finding any strength to fight back against the system alone. It’s hard to see the purpose is trying. I feel like I made a big mistake walking out Plato’s cave and seeing the world for what it is. I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance.

I can’t even decide what I like anymore, I don’t enjoy anything useful like Comp Sci or Medicine, and I don’t feel a particular strong passion or interest for any field, even ones that don’t pay well or are rare. For example I have a friend in art school, which while an unconventional and poorly respected path in the capitalist hellscape, they find great passion and interest in what they do and love every moment of it. Letting them pay little attention to the future.

Meanwhile I feel trapped thinking about the failure I will amount to as I am stuck paralyzed. All I can think about is the hellscape of the system I’m trapped in with no way to claw out of. Like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.

I’m very privileged to have been able to see a a very distinguished and well respected therapist and psychologist for what’s been going on in my life, but even they’re clueless. All they can give are sad platitudes, and depressing agreement to what I say. They are a wonderful person and try their best, but it seems like there’s little someone can do to help a problem like this.

I feel trapped and cursed.

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Hey Comrades,

First, I want to apologize for not being more active in developing this community, life became very hectic shortly after taking over moderating and hasn't really let up since. Will do my best to get these threads up weekly going forward to help grow the community.

With the current state of the world and general increase in negative feelings and emotions as a result of the current state of affairs, I wanted to start a community weekly vent post.

This will be for anything you need to talk about related to your mental health that is bothering you. If you feel overwhelmed, angry, scared, depressed, anxious, anything, write what you're feeling and why below. Let's use this as a place to help each other get through this awful shite.

I dont want to become like the #1 poster of long-winded rants about my life here, but I find it therapeutic. I am also wondering if this just my brain being checked out, a medical thing, or something everyone has.

I have this thing where my brain decides to think things that I would never do. Its also hard to talk about because then everyone would think I secretly want to do all the things described. Cookie cutter extreme example: it imagines me killing everyone around me or something. I would never want to kill anyone around me, at least usually lol. Most times it's my family which I care for deeply. Ill just be near something, or someone, and my brain imagines me doing the absolute worse thing someone could do in that situation. It fucks with me. Because I feel like there's a serial killer describing some really fucked shit in my head as I'm trying to exist. That odd force would never have any power, and it shares no desires with me, it just sits there and acts like I want to engage in horrible acts. Also, I dont see it as an actual entity in my brain, like another person, it's more like self-doubt but saying things that make me want to never talk to anyone again. Again, does this happen to any of you? Do any of you know what this is?

thanks.

(Also worth noting, much worse shit it imagines as compared to just killing people. Shit that makes not want to see anyone ever again.)

(Edit: I suppose this is relatively normal. I guess no one told me people have thoughts they may not agree with, maybe more of a comment on Amerikkkan education and parenting.)

Lately discussing politics with people is really doing my head in. Like, is it that hard to be a decent human being and care for eachother, nature and yourself? Is it that hard to understand that we're better off working together instead of being hyper competitive to benefit a few people at the top? Is it too much to ask if we want decent living standards for everyone?

Sometimes I internally ask myself why I bother this much. Not that I see myself as the next Jesus bringing world peace or something, I only want to make this world a better place in the ways that I can. But so many people over here seem to not care in the slightest and that gets me to be negative sometimes. Makes we want to buy a tiny house in nature somewhere and just piss off and let everyone go their own way.

Just wanted to rant, comrades. I know I need to remain calm, read my theory and keep on explaining to people. But my God if I need to keep hearing about the free market economy or how immigrants are to blame for everything for the next years I might go insane.

Anyone find this useful?

Ever since I've became a Marxist, I've been seeing the dark sides of liberalism, capitalism, etc. Now, all my passions and the capitalist/liberal desires that fueled them have died. I wanted to be a musician and become rich and famous, now that's an unrealistic kid story. I wanted to become a writer and spread my works to millions, not anymore. I wanted to do game development, but that's gone now. I wanted to become a legislator as a kid and spread good for society, proposing laws that would help the younger generation, but the US government is so fucking corrupt. I wanted to become an MMA fighter, but the industry in that is rigged. I wanted to become a business owner, and even learned the dark things needed to do to become "successful." But the thought of fucking over vulnerable people for personal gain makes me sick to my stomach.

I've recently found a major I could study in college for - Electrical engineering. But really I don't feel the slightest interested in that either. I had a quick blip of interest and then it died.

Every industry is so rigged, and people like me won't survive in it. I'm not a fake it till you make it type person. I'm never favored by anyone, not popular in any type of circle. I'm cold and concrete, I can't put on masks. And even the thought of manipulating people is tiring as hell. I'd rather be real and truthful, least bit of effort.

I have no money to travel to other countries where music might make me successful, and my passions for everything have died. I hate the word "hard work." I like work that's worthwhile and enjoyable, something I would spend hours on. But that doesn't exist in the US. I seriously feel like a wandering soul. The only thing that's keeping me alive is the desire to travel the world. If I didn't have that motive, I probably would have offed myself a long time ago. I feel like my life is nothing, and I am nothing.

I honestly don't know anymore. I might become a thief, stalking rich people's social medias then stealing from them. Or becoming a mercenary. Kid's fantasy, I know. I might have to face the disgusting truth and join the military to get the rest of my basic fucking human rights. Housing, money, college, I don't know.

I feel like I'm going no where.

I have been going through things because of what others might consider something insignificant, I feel like a giant baby even thinking about it, anyhow if you have something small or considered insignificant bothering feel free to comment it ig

**This post is fairly disturbing and also true, so if you are bothered by that maybe stray away. **

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I thought this was interesting. Initiatives like these, I feel, are more often than not at their core a band-aid to cover up the intrinsic socially atomizing and alienating facets of capitalist society.

However, I do think that the idea of a state-run agency that helps facilitate social interaction between people, especially people who realize that their loneliness is causing them great distress, is a good thing. It's hard to socialize as an adult I feel, and institutions like this could be an accessible way to meet new people. If they're implemented properly, of course.

Hey you, business owners

Are you so blinded by short term profits that you can't make a long term recruiting plan? Or have you given up on the future already and are just trying to live the life before it's all over? Why are you asking me for 1 year of experience and mastery of 8 different technologies on your entry level pre-employment listing? I've already got a degree, does that mean anything to you? Are degrees useless now? I'm willing to take any salary at this point just to get out of my room and do something with my life

Why do they call it a job market? A job is the only real source of income for the majority of the world population, are we trading people's lives now? Why is it that if I stay unemployed I'm treated as if I have an expired sticker on my face?

And you, state

Are you so pathetic to publish a document with all sorts of legal jargon for just one position? One position that will get you a 6 page list of candidates just so they can all move to the capital twice to pass your oral and written exams? For one position? Are you not ashamed in the slightest?

I'm so tired of you all

Hey Comrades,

With the current state of the world and general increase in negative feelings and emotions as a result of the current state of affairs, I wanted to start a community weekly vent post.

This will be for anything you need to talk about related to your mental health that is bothering you. If you feel overwhelmed, angry, scared, depressed, anxious, anything, write what you're feeling and why below. Let's use this as a place to help each other get through this awful shite.

Hey Comrades,

With the current state of the world and general increase in negative feelings and emotions as a result of the current state of affairs, I wanted to start a community weekly vent post.

This will be for anything you need to talk about related to your mental health that is bothering you. If you feel overwhelmed, angry, scared, depressed, anxious, anything, write what you're feeling and why below. Let's use this as a place to help each other get through this awful shite.

Quit nicotine two weeks ago, vaping, cigs, patches, everything, done with it. I'm going nuts if I'm being honest. It was fine the first week, which I guess was weird, but the this last week has been a nightmare, everything I do is difficult and annoying I'm itchy all over, can't focus on anything, I have cried like seven times since yesterday over the dumbest things. I dropped my chopsticks on the ground, and cried as I was cleaning them because they were dirty I guess?

Nicotine makes my anxiety way worse and I have known for years that I need to stop, but it helped me get off hard drugs so I was partial to it and always made excuses. Finally decided to do it with my partners support. It's been hard, but I'm gonna do it.

I literally fall asleep to the deprogram so that I don't get depressed. I feel like I'm going nuts.